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Elderly parents

Just releasing emotions really

8 replies

tobee · 14/11/2024 01:36

Just wanted to post on this board as have found it useful in the past.

Today my dm (88) had another health scare/worry.
My dsis rang me this a.m to alert me to the fact my dm was unwell and what to do about it. Anyway, I rang my dm and persuaded her to ring 111 for help as she had done this successfully in the past. I then was ready to go down there if necessary and mean while had the phone by my side as you might imagine.

She rang 111 at 11.30 a.m and finally got a callback at 6.30 p.m. The doctor diagnosed dm over the phone and, if it's the correct diagnosis, should be treatable.

Dm sounded much better as you tend to after being diagnosed, mentally, if not yet physically. Naturally dsis and I were relieved. And could stand down for the evening to all intents and purposes.

But, in the last hour or so, I've just started feeling all doomy again. With a heavy weight on my chest metaphorically speaking. I know that at the age dm is there's going to be something else pretty soon. The tension is hard to deal with. It's all perfectly inevitable and understandable. I have a frail df too (89) and they live at home currently saying they don't need carers yet etc.

I'm obviously lucky that they are both still around and haven't had much illness prior to the last 10 years or so and have had rich and pretty comfortable lives yada yada.

But it's like some sort of pre grief; this inevitably of more illness and worry and potential accidents to occur at any time. Revving up to help but also being slightly paralysed by worry.

Anyone else relate?

Tia

OP posts:
tobee · 14/11/2024 01:39

And, of course, I know it's much worse for them.

OP posts:
Lovemybunnies · 14/11/2024 01:42

Yes I do completely. I also worry about what will happen when the first one goes as everything will change. I know it happens to everyone. I’m conscious with my DF and DM that they have reached the stage that they are not managing if one of them are ill and I know need to start stepping in with meals etc.

tobyj · 14/11/2024 07:06

Yup, totally there with you. My DPs are a decade younger, but DM is in a bad way and declining (suspected dementia plus other health issues), while DF is on pretty good form, but just starting to show the first signs of more problematic ageing. Meanwhile I've just restarted a full time plus career, after many years of full time or part time childcare. I want to support my parents, but I love my job and want to really throw myself into the last 10 or 15 years of my working life. I have very limited free time and my DPs don't live that close It worries me a lot. I feel like I'm just waiting for something to go wrong.

Earlydarkdays · 14/11/2024 08:10

Yes, I know the fear well. For a while after an incident like this, I used to jump whenever the phone rang and struggled to sleep at night in case it was a more pressing call. It’s an awful feeling to have lurking in the background. No words of wisdom here, we have recently stepped into the next stage here, but just wanted to say you aren’t alone.

tobee · 14/11/2024 22:20

Thanks for the replies! I've had a busy day catching up on the stuff I didn't do yesterday.

FWIW my dm seems better today. I told her any time she wants to ring, day or night, to not hesitate. I mean this but it's quite scary.

OP posts:
Mum5net · 15/11/2024 10:48

OP, google 'anticipatory grief' and you will see some helpful links

saltysquid · 15/11/2024 13:15

Yes absolutely. I feel on edge a lot of the time. Other mixed emotions like guilt, sadness, etc
I am not sure how to lead a normal life at the moment to be honest as so much of my thoughts and worries are about my mum.

tobee · 15/11/2024 20:27

Thank you @Mum5net

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