AIBU to be stressed about elderly parent

[irishchick93]

Hi. Long story short. My elderly mother well early 70s not very elderly. Sold her house 8years ago to live with me. She lives in a little pre-fab in my garden. I generally spend a lot of time with her she needs help with say doing groceries or deep cleaning but still drives etc. I hated the thought of my mum living alone and so did she so this suited us all very well. However, 6weeks ago she told very ill and as a result of being bedbound for 6weeks has mobility issues.

She is now finished all treatment in the hospital and now has to complete rehab in a specialist unit or at home.

Aibu to feel stressed at the thought of her coming home? She is immobile although the PTs think with work she will be able to make a full recovery.

My siblings all want her to come home. One commented that they wouldn't want to run to the rehab centre for another 6 weeks.

Aibu to feel like this as I knew a day like this would come, options were never really discussed. I have a young family and no job so I think it's expected that I just do everything.

Advice please.

Solidarity... do consider getting your thread moved to the Elderly Parents board.

The rehab unit sounds good. I would ring the physiotherapists early doors and make it clear that you have a young family and that although you are on site, there are big limits to the amount of care you can do. Ask them what the goals your DM has set are. Basically get it clear to them that you aren't going to be able to care full time.

If your siblings want to give 24 hour care, tell them to be your guest.

Agree with @PermanentTemporary .
You need to get a better handle on what her needs will be and what you can cope with in discussion with the PTs. It doesn't have to be a full 6 weeks of either/or - maybe 3 weeks in rehabilitation unit then home when she has some mobility but still needs furthet work.
It's unreasonable for your siblings to give an opinion on what's convenient for them for occasional visits, but it would probably help in your discussions with them if you could say that the PT recommended a given course of action.

Oh thank you both. This is great advice and made me feel a lot better already

Did you benefit financially from her moving in?
If so government funding for rehab could be tricky due to deprivation of assets and your moral high ground with siblings is lost.
If not yes I would insist on rehab.

That sounded a bit harsh, having just finished end of life care at home with no government support you have my sympathy either way.

Sounds like your siblings do not have your mother's best interests at heart.
If she goes home then they don't have to do anything and it is all down to you.
I would go with the advice of the health care professionals

It’s best for your mum to be in special mist rehab, surely?!

No not at all. Infact the house sale was divided by 6 for all siblings.

The rehab is NHS funded isn't it (continuing care) so has nothing to do with deprivation of assets

Thank you. It isn't means tested here in Ireland thankfully. 6weeks for free.

Wow, your siblings are being completely unreasonable.

Good to know rehab is funded for longer in Ireland.

I hope it works out for you.

There is a really excellent Elderly Parents board on Mumsnet. Why not ask for your thread to be moved? You will get all the compassion and knowledge and advice you need.

Thank you how do I do this

Report one of your own posts, tick “other” and ask for it to be moved. I’ve already done it, but if it hasn’t happened by Tues morning, report and ask again

We've done this for you now.

Surely it's better for her to go into rehab where she will get specialist physiotherapy and occupational therapy assessments before being discharged home once she is mobile. If she comes straight home, chances are she'd get very little by way of therapy.

Thanks so much

Thanks so much

Just to say, rehab in Ireland isn't free. It's subject to RSSMAC charges

Now it's not extortionate...but not free

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/health/health-services/health-services-for-people-with-disabilities/long-stay-contributions/

And absolutely to echo advice here, get in touch with the PT and OTs and ask to be involved in goal setting. Best to have a conversation, including your mum, about what it means if you don't reach those independent goals. I.e. you might take her hone with support of a walking frame and home care package. But you can't take her hone if it's assistance of 2 and no HCP etc.

My wife is 77 and in hospital. We have been offered the choice of a rehab unit or a care package at home. We have said we want carers coming to our home twice a day to see how it goes. It was made clear to us that this can increase up to five visits a day if we want. The community physio will also visit once a day (I think this is only Monday to Friday).
Would that work for your mum? Lots of carers coming to look after her and a community physio visiting daily?

Ignore your siblings. If they don't want the hassle of travel, that's their problem - they can suck it up or not go.

What matters here is your mother's best interests - which means the best and most intensive rehab possible; and what you can cope with - because it's your house.

Both of these mean residential rehab, where she will get more attention, is the better option.