MiL (dementia) being taken to court but thinks she's being scammed

[Waterlogged]

Hi,

I'm posting on behalf of my partner, whose mum was diagnosed with dementia earlier this year.

My mother-in-law, who owns a leasehold flat, has been ignoring letters from her housing association about service charges and other fees. My partner recently discovered a letter saying she’s being taken to court for unpaid charges.

The issue is that due to her dementia, she’s become highly suspicious of scams and believes these letters are fake. Despite living there for over 20 years and paying service charges annually, she doesn’t remember this or understand the housing association’s role.

She refuses any explanations from my partner and has warned she’ll be angry if he makes any payments on her behalf (he has power of attorney). Regardless, he plans to cover the payments to prevent legal issues.

I understand that challenging her beliefs isn’t helpful, as it only increases her frustration and distrust.

Any advice on how to approach this or help her feel more comfortable with the situation would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

I presume you have spoken to the housing association. ? If not call them .

She won't be the first person to have done this

Have you got poa and can access her money? If you pay what she owes then surely it will be sorted

I'm in the same boat but we are in owned housing and my mum has cost us so much money doing shit like this so I get it 🙄🙈

It sounds like it might be time to think about some sort of care arrangement. I'd suggest the first step is to talk to her GP about carrying out some sort of capacity assessment; also have a discussion with social services about keeping her safe.

@kaos2 Thanks for your reply. Yes he's spoken to the HA and they have explained if he pays now, there will be no further problems. My partner also has PoA.

My question is more around how to make MIL more comfortable with the money leaving her account to what she believes are scammers. We've tried "I've spoken to the bank who say it's a legitimate transaction" but she's adamant it's a scam.

@GoldenPheasant Thank you - we've been looking into this

Hi OP. DH suffers from LBD which sounds like the type of dementia your MIL has? I sympathise it is very difficult. There is no easy answer here. For POA do you have both financial and welfare POAs? HA will be quite sympathetic as them to deal with you rather than with your MIL and then ask to have a meeting with the HA and your Mil to explain the charge. Write it down as you go and them check it with her. Unfortunately you will do this a number of times as her memory is fading and she will repeatedly not understand where the cash has gone to. Quite important that the paranoia is controlled well and medication can help. DH is on a range of tablets including quetrapine which seems to control the paranoia quite well. So advice is deal direct, explain and keep explaining and get your GP/other medicals to review medication.

That's a really difficult one Op. Could you convince her to pass over all money matters to your DH so that she's not worrying about scams but her bills are being paid? As the dementia developed I found the things that worried/upset my DM changed, so it may be that in a while your MIL will forget all about this.

Given the POA, I would to start with writing to the HA and make sure that letters about her tenancy get directed to you rather than to her. I would do this bit without telling her since she is already upset about this.

How much money is involved? Could you make the payments yourselves now and pay yourselves back once she is less focused on this? Keep a record of what you've done of course.

I'd talk to her about whether she would be OK with you redirecting all her post to you tbh 'to make things less stressful' but I get that she may not agree to this and that it could reduce her trust further. I wouldn't at this stage do it for all post without her permission

Ironically she is very vulnerable to scams now. Age UK have good advice on reducing the risk.

Is your husband the sole beneficiary of her will? If he is, could he pay what is owed from his own funds?

This is so difficult OP and I really empathise, having been through situations like this with my DF who had dementia.

There isn’t really any particular way of telling her what the situation is, or what you have done. You just have to calmly tell her the truth and fix the problem. She may well not believe you and she may well forget what you have explained to her over and over again. That’s the nature of dementia. It’s really very hard to accept that someone you love is no longer rational but the sooner you do, the better it is for all of you. It’s much easier to be patient and decisive when you know there is no longer any point in arguing or explaining at length.

The time has come to fully exercise the POA role. Tell her kindly that is what is happening and of course do everything with her best interests at heart but don’t get bogged down in any arguments with her . It will cause her anxiety and frustrate and upset you and your DH,

Helpful, practical advice here. I'm making a to-do list based on all your points. Thank you so much

@Waterlogged I have poa and do all mum mums finances. I just don't tell her as money is a trigger for her

I document every transaction so that if there is any question at any point I can prove where it's gone

You can take your poa to the bank and take over the banking

I would not engage with her about it, I would just pay the money.

Trying to apply logic in a conversation with someone who has dementia is completely pointless, they will not accept they are wrong, and even if they did, they would forget within hours and you would be back to square one. You know you're right but you aren't going to persuade her of that.

So in your partner's position I would simply pay the money, and not discuss it. Remove all the paperwork and hopefully she'll forget about it and move on. When my mother became unable to pay her own bills I took over completely, paid the bills and monitored the bank accounts to ensure nothing was awry. That's what the LPA is for, to act in her best interests when she's lost sight of what they are.

I remember my mum telling me that she followed Benjamin Spock’s advice when dealing with children to do everything with ‘an air of cheerful certainty’ and that’s great advice for dealing with dementia too.

Keep really good records of everything you do for your MIL and always do what’s best for her but never argue or try to convince her that your way is best. Just do it kindly, calmly and firmly.

How does she check how much her bank account has in it? If it's paper statements I'd get your DH to arrange that these stop. Has he taken the Financial POA to the bank? If so, he should be able to set up telephone banking on his phone.

This is very good advice imo

You can take your POA to the post office to change her address to yours. If she does not see her bills and statements she will have less to worry about. How bad is her Dementia, could you do this without her knowing

I treat my Mum like a toddler so definitely good advice to be assertive .

Honestly be there and done that. For your own health and well being just pay it especially as you have POA. Lots of people dont. Its a properly paid bill. No one is going to question it.

Otherwise you will go round and round in circles trying to explain, you might even get some acceptance and then the next day you start all over again.

And as PP say, get the post directed to you. Sorry to be rather aprupt but you will run yourself ragged. Mum used to make a big fuss about getting something. Talk about it all the time i.e a special shower gel and then I got it she would be very grateful and then it would go into the bathroom cabinet never to be used.

Can your partner set up direct debits to pay regular bills like this one from your mother's account? If she supervises the set up then it might help her paranoia and stop situations like this one from recurring.

Thank you for the replies. Forwarding her mail is a great idea. My partner does have POA for finance so his next step is to take this to the bank. MiL does know how to check her mobile banking app, which makes it a bit more difficult as she is vigilant with checking transactions.

All the advice has been great, thank you

My mother had a direct debit for her rent (and utilities), the problem was that she forgot to transfer money over from her savings accounts to cover it, so the DDs went unpaid. Even when she remembered it needed doing, she couldn't remember how to access her savings. So I had to take over to ensure there was enough money in the account at the right time.

Getting the post redirected to your address is a good idea. As far as I remember a letter confirming gets sent to the original address, which his mother would probably think was another scam! But worth doing for sure.