Negative mindset - tell me your positive solutions please

[DutifulLark]

Has anyone had any success getting an older relative to be more positive and not just focus on the negative?

My MIL (who I love very much) only seems to be happy if she is regaling us with tales of sadness, illness and death She's always had a tendency to revel in other people's misfortune but since she was widowed 2 years ago this has essentially become her entire personality. DH and I are finding it increasingly wearing and now we don't tell her anything going on in our lives that is even vaguely difficult as she latches on to it and tries to blow it all out of proportion. For example we told her in passing that it rained (for 2 hours) on a short break to Spain and this morphed into her telling everyone that our holiday was ruined and constantly saying to us it was a pity our holiday was terrible. All she wants to talk about is who in the extended family is having medical procedures (in frequently graphic detail - I know more about her 2nd cousins catheter than he does) and how terrible it all is. Making conversation is increasingly difficult as she sucks the joy out of everything. I know from this board that this is not uncommon behaviour. I feel so sorry for her but am at a loss how to try and get her to at least recognise not everything is shit. She's early 80s and relatively fit and well. DH sees her at least once a month (it's a 250m round trip) and she has a lot of family local to her who she sees as well. I don't think she is lonely but I do think she is probably depressed but she will not discuss this.

Has anyone got any examples of helping someone to be more positive or are we now doomed to endure the misery fest forever?

Watching with interest

Have you told her she is like this?

Yes but gently as she's not a hateful person - she just responds with an apology and then launches into the next tale of woe. It's like she didn't think she has any right to be happy.

How old is she? My SIL was the same and looking back it was an early sign of cognitive decline.

She also constantly told us we were all going to hell because we hadn't accepted Jesus into our hearts.

It is an age thing I'm afraid. As they age, their world shrinks and small things become catastrophic. Everything is a disaster. I live with aged parent and there's a lot of tutting too, most things are prefaced with "I can't do / shan't be able to ...".

You have to learn to ignore it as you cannot change it. You can try applying logic and explaining (repeatedly), but you will get sick of repeating yourself. Lots of non committal noises and words are useful, as it not sharing info that trigger the responses. So 'hmm', 'quite', 'indeed' etc. Take the path of least resistance.

@unsync i think you are right but being a glass half full person I was hopeful someone might have at least one positive example 🤣. It makes me so sad that she can't find joy in anything except the misery of others. It makes conversations with her exceptionally dull and frustrating.

@GinForBreakfast she's 83 and also religious (not telling us we're going to hell though). There is a definite element of life needs to miserable because then you'll get your reward in heaven. I am not concerned about her cognitive abilities.

If she is cognitively ok then I think you need to show her the respect of being honest.

set it out as you have done here. Tell her it is putting you off including her and why it is bad for you.

Can you find something more impersonal and enjoyable to moan about together? My mum is a bit like this and I hate it when she’s talking about the neighbours but if we can get onto Trump then it just becomes an enjoyable bitching session for all. Or encourage her to get a kitten? Cat chat is our main positive topic.

Sympathies OP, I’ve had experience of this. In the likely event that you can’t change her attitude, can you change your own? So you and your DH have to laugh at it a bit -

Have a MIL Doom Bingo and tick things off mentally as she trots them out.

Have a competition to see how relentlessly Pollyanna-ish you can both be - “oh I love the rain, it just helps me connect with nature, don’t you find that?”

Or channel your inner Sybil Fawlty, let her go on and interject only with sharp intakes of breath, sad head shakes and vehement “ooh I knows”.

and in the meantime tell her only positive things about you even if you have to ham up how AMAZING and WONDERFUL the trip to the supermarket was.

I have a very grumpy neighbour who recently came to tell me that he would be away, but he wasn’t looking forward to it and for every problem he trotted out I just responded with a “oh but this thing is nice” and “no matter if it rains as there are so many interesting things to do” and in the end he threw his hands in the air, rolled his eyes and stomped off! He just wanted to moan and was disappointed I wouldn’t indulge him. I found the whole conversation much more enjoyable than the usual whinge-fest he tries to draw me into.

My (admittedly limited) experience is that older people will not admit to any sort of cognitive decline in fear of losing their autonomy. My SIL hid hers for a very, very long time, only after she was belatedly diagnosed could we recognise the signs from many years before.

Picking up on social/conversational cues and being inhibited enough by them to stop with the doom-mongering was an early one.

Does she have other "eccentricities"?

You say your MIL has always had a tendency to be like this, and age and bereavement have just exaggerated it. You won't be able to change her, so you just have to change your response which you have already started to do. I agree it's very draining.

You're all being so helpful and it's made me feel less despondent - she won't have pets ( dirty and might bring mice in). But i do love the idea of finding something we want to moan about. We've tried the MIL bingo but even that has lost its humour. I think it's because we have quite a bit going on that we can't share with her because it will set her off. She's had a lifetime of servitude to others and now there is no one to look after I think she's lost herself. It's like she lives vicariously through others misery. Ultimately I feel sad because it seems such a waste of a life when she's mobile and mentally fit.

I’ve started doing this, but it sucks the life out of you at times. I end up exhausted after a few days together.
I do believe positive or negative mindset has an element of choice and as a positive person it’s hard to do the grey rock thing when faced with continuous pessimism. Then I feel horribly guilty because they probably can’t help it.
The same tales of woe are repeated over and over again and it makes me wonder if there’s also an element of cognitive decline. 😕

@DutifulLark If she has no-one to look after and you think that's what she's pining for, how about some sort of sponsored gift? Do you have a donkey/horse/seal sanctuary or wildlife park locally? Or maybe one of the charities where you sponsor a child's education overseas? Something that gives regular updates might give her a bit of a fillip.

It's lovely that you're worried about it, but she's probably quite content to carry on like this. You need to find a way to cope with it and build resilience, I'm sorry to say it will likely get worse.

Much sympathy op but you won’t change her. Protection(of yourself) and distraction as she slides into the vortex of doom are the only strategies(in my long experience)
Lots of us on the long running cockroach cafe threads talked of coating ourselves in metaphorical Teflon before any encounter.
Distraction- could she make/ knit cards/ scarves for charities? I regularly took a distraction item- magazine/ article/ YouTube clip to try and distract… other veterans refer to the toddler tactic- “ oooh look a squirrel! “ …..