Mum obsessed with her health

[Primmyhill]

My mum is 73, so not old, old. She’s fit and healthy but for the last 3 years or so she has become obsessed with every ache and pain. She had numerous tests, heart monitors etc and always seems to be at the docs but they have found nothing wrong with her, Then when I think she’s over one thing, she moves onto another mystery ailment. I speak to her a few times a week and 90% of every conversation is about her health or a blow by blow account of every Drs appt, what her blood pressure reading is or how many steps she’s done that day. It’s just really wearing me down. I have my own health problems but if I mention anything about myself, she just glosses over it and moves the conversation back to her. I just don’t understand why she is always trying to look for problems or maybe she likes the attention from the medical professionals. Has anyone else experienced this and can give me any advice? I always listen to her, am kind and patient but it’s getting to the stage now where I dread every phone call and the topic is always the same. She’s ultra sensitive and tends to takes things the wrong way, so I need to tread carefully.

I think it’s loneliness, a fear of dying, a need for attention.
Not a topic you’d tackle head on, if you live in your head for any length of time you tend to have a very warped perception of reality.

I’d try to see if she still has any interests. If the only excitement in your life is the bloody doctor’s appointment or who parked where, it’s hard to move on.

I’m acutely aware a lot of elderly get to this point, so I’m trying very hard to keep a common, fun, engaging and somewhat neutral ground with my own daughter, because I don’t want her to dread seeing me. So we have these little road trips, we drive somewhere we haven’t been before for the day, or we do a city break, or I call and say: I have no idea what to wear anymore, come with me and choose some bits for me that you think would suit me. We also have a bit of a pact, we don’t play martyr: if I’m feeling like shit and I need some drugs/to be driven somewhere/some food, I just say it, the deal is we both drop what we’re doing and look after each other. She’d send me pics of her new nails or whatever, I send her pics of the dog being stupid. I suppose like you’d do with a friend.

Would something like that work for you two?

This was the first signs of dementia with my dad sadly anxiety about his health as he couldn't cope with the fact he was forgetting things.
Not sure if this is the case but he was investigated lots of times for chest pain and other issues.

@Primmyhill has she had any close friends or relatives very ill or die recently - I've definitely become more aware health wise since several people I know had big issues ( and I'm only 62) it can kind of make you a bit obsessed/ultra conscious to an unhealthy degree

Being obsessed with health is common. The elderly cannot accept that ailments and aches can only be managed, not ‘fixed’. Further, in the absence of other things to do, health becomes their raison d’etre. It’s a way of gaining attention and support, too.

We have an elderly relative like this. Her disposition must cost the NHS an absolute bomb.

Does she live alone and does she get out and do things? If they've got an active social life actually doing something (sport, volunteering, U3A?) then that becomes the focus. Otherwise health niggles start taking over. Does she mix with a range of people? Or one or two and have they had health concerns recently?

In mine it's also a way of seeking attention.

She does live alone but she has a very active social life, is in a walking and am dram group, has a good group of close friends who holiday together and she’s always visiting our relatives up north.
A couple of people in her social circle have had some illness and they call her the ‘healthy one’. She only lays on her health troubles to me which is part of the issue.

It struck me, reading this, that it sounds as though 'the elderly' are a different species. That can't help when trying to empathise.

"As we get older it's harder for us to accept that we can't be fixed any more" -- that somehow has a different implication.

My "elderly" is a difference species but to be fair was when she wasn't elderly! It's a fair point though that you make but I think we do it to distance ourselves from the thought that this may be us.

I know. But the age is creeping up on me!

And also “manage” is far too active a verb - it usually means “put up with with no treatment or advice”.

When I was younger I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to live with daily pain.

My sincere sympathy. I've got off fairly lightly so far but DH is struggling with daily pain and looks ten years older.

Thanks. I wouldn't want to overstate. I have pain somewhere sometime during every day, but it's not all the time. You poor DH! My sympathy to him.

My parent is the same and I really sympathise as it’s incredibly wearing to manage the very long phone calls filled with the blow by blow from every appointment - often repeated stories as well. I try and stay positive and upbeat and change the subject, but as you say often anything you say is quickly glossed over to return to the health topic. Sometimes my parent remembers at the end of the conversation to ask how I or other members of the family are, just as we are signing off. Having written this it’s time for me to do the phone call now .. I end up dreading the 45 minutes tbh.