Elderly parents don't get on

[Infracat]

Anyone elses parents in their 70s not get on? Arguing and fighting. Both with memory problems. Its absolutely awful. Im heartbroken that things have become like this. Turns out mum has never been happy but kept it all hidden as didnt want to break up the family. Now shes old and unwell and has massive regrets and cant stand my dad. I feel like our whole family has been ripped apart. And feel like Im the only one this is happening to. There is nobody I can talk to that gets it.

@Infracat welcome and yes it’s quite an eye opener having a window into a parents long marriage as an adult. The regret is quite something to behold and frankly in our case or perhaps my case is being used as massive leverage for us to feel sorry for our mother and pander to her unreasonable behaviour. If you Google FOG , fear obligation and guilt there is a brilliant website https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

This is far more common than you think, especially as divorce used to be far more frowned upon. COVID brought a lot of relationships into sharp focus as couples were locked down together and stressed and not able to do the routines of life that allowed then to cope with life together. Unhappy women meet their friends for coffee, get their hair done, go shopping etc and suddenly were unable to. Add to that the fact that people stopped going out for walks to local shops to pick up paper/ buy odds and ends, and many older people got less mobile in that time too. My mum and dad quite like each other most of the time but definitely bickering more than I ever noticed.
They are still relatively young but could they go out to day centres/ lunch clubs where they are with others for some social contact?

I’ve seen this in MIL, as the dementia breaks down the filters she has no qualms about telling FIL he’s always been a boring ugly old tw*t. The learned behaviours that make us socially acceptable crumble away. Could you get carers in to give them time apart?

Y ep, they hated each other when I was 4 and they hated each other when i was 44. It's some going to be arguing that long (well longer as they were married for awhile before I was accidentally conceived). And that was even with them living completely separate lives. My mum then had an affair in her late 60's with a much younger man, moved out, younger man didn't leave his wife so she came back and they were stuck in the same rowing rut (she didn't tell my dad she was having an affair just that she wanted to move out but she told me thanks mum). Throw in my dad getting ill and her having to care for him and it just escalated, but why would you want to care for someone you resented. Just before he died he was admitted to hospital, she wouldn't go with him just expected me to sort it and then I phoned her with an update and she told me she didn't want him home and again just expected me to sort it.

Mine are late 70s and divorced some years back which is in a. way easier, although they have not met anyone else and because of course, they don't support each other it is more difficult for my brother and I in a way.

These types are always genius at making their problems your problem.

Not your circus, not your marriage.

Change the subject.