How has this changed how you will approach it?

[Orangesandlemons77]

Getting old, I mean. I see a lot of people hear struggling (me too) mainly with elderly parents in denial / who won't accept help / depend on their children etc

I've teenage children / young adults and menopausal. In a time of reflection about the future. dealing with my own elderly parents (divorced, dysfunctional, difficult) is making me think about the future.

So I just wondered if anyone had thought about this and if dealing with their own parents or in laws had had any impact on how they intend to plan for the future themselves?

Yes to sorting out stuff and not having loads of things hanging around that needs sorting out! Not equipment for still-active hobbies or similar but the I amount of tat and junk shoved in cupboards that hadn't been opened in years - clothes with holes in, ragged bedsheets.

And getting paperwork in order. Why my elderly thinks I've got time to lovingly go through mounds of paperwork then try and work out which bank accounts are still active when it could have been sorted and obsolete information destroyed years ago! Mortgage they paid off decades ago?! Payslips from a job in the 1970s?!

If you own your house then keep all the paperwork related to that together, it makes it so much easier when selling. I have it divided up into things that belong with the house (eg FENSA certificates and boiler information) and other things that could be removed.

I tried maybe three times or more to tell both parents that they needed the Dr or to get a cleaner, a gardener etc then I had to find peace that they had every excuse why they couldn't. Then the next phone call saying "I can't mow the lawn, I can't lift the lawn mower" I'd reply with "that's a shame, but it would cost me £30 in petrol to get down to you" and change the topic. I think mum wanted me to use my time and money to do what she could have easily paid for. I was 2 hours away with 4 young kids. I just could not do it. Impossible and that was that

We're both in our late 50s. I retired in June to look after my wife who had a SCI 4 years ago. Her mobility is ok, but, she needs a mobility scooter for longer distances and a few other medical issues. These aren't massive problems at the moment and may get worse as we age. The last few years have been an eye opener and have made us to really think hard about the future.

We have just moved to the coast. We've bought a bungalow that has been completely refurbished. Access is good. Bathroom has a walk in shower and the bath can be removed if my wife needs a carer to help in the future. There is a bus stop 50yds away. A few shops literally around the corner. A doctors less than 10mins walk. Town centre with lots of amenities is 1/2 mile away. I can walk to the beach in 10mins. There is a big retirement community where we've moved with lots of things going on. We researched many different areas and took our time to consider what we need now and what our needs maybe in the future. Nothing is certain, but, we've tried to future proof the move.

We are lucky to not have had to sell our old house about 50 miles away at the moment. My wife gets tired so there wasn't the rush and panic to sell and move quickly. Our old house will go up for sale in the next month.

Our children are grown up and moved out. We have lived in our old house for over 30 years. If we didn't move now then we would probably struggle to move away if my wifes condition deteriorated. It's a big move for us, but, we are sure it's for the best.

We have wills and POA for health and wealth.

My parents are in their late 70s. Did wills about 35 years ago. No POAs. Live in a house that has living accommodation upstairs and bathroom downstairs. Talked about moving about 15 years ago, but, banged heads about what they each wanted so nothing was done. Dad only retired about 5 years ago ( got caught in the ' one more year and I'll retire ' cycle ). His health has declined quite rapidly over the last 12 months and now mum is his carer. They can't have a stair lift as the stairs have 2 turns and are narrow. House isn't really working for them now and I fear things will get no better. They don't really do anything as dad isn't well enough.

They were my example of what not to do.

We've had a rough time with my wifes health over the last few years and that has made us focus. We are doing all we can to enjoy our golden years. Don't wait until your health declines and think you'll be able to act then ( move house etc ). If you have a dream start to make it happen. Have no regrets.

My parents are mid sixties but my mother in particular is a huge concern. Constantly exhausted despite not working, dizzy a lot and has had a few falls. Refuses to see a GP despite there being a strong history of high cholesterol and diabetes in our family. If she's like this now, I dread to think what she will be like in 10 years time. Unfortunately I still live with them and I have my own chronic health issues. My mother says she would never expect me to become a carer but she would point blank refuse to go into a home and says she hates the idea of carers so I think she's just lying to me. I see a lot of colleagues who are helping to care for elderly parents and they are constantly stressed and one, on the verge of tears all the time as constantly having to deal with their elderly mum falling, not making it to the loo on time, juggling their hospital appointments etc.
I wish I could have an honest discussion with my mother about future care needs but she would just laugh it off.
I have as I say my own health issues so this really worries me to the point of keeping me up at night.

Oh my goodness, so many things!

Only keeping what we need and use. Simplifying the finances. Will move somewhere with GP, dentist, optician, bus, train, supermarket, post office all within easy reach. Will also make sure we are near a day centre and care home should the need arise. Will also choose a property on one level with a level access shower.

No children so we will downsize and buy in help as needed. If you have a support network you've got people keeping an eye on you. It's almost like you need a surrogate daughter to manage it. Do they exist?!

Could someone get help from e.g. social services in this situation? I have also seen something about giving POA to e.g. a family lawyer so that could be an option? I expect there must be stuff available for people in this situation but you might need to pay for it.

Do you think something happens to our thought pattern as we get older that makes us more selfish? The amount of elderly people I have known who won’t accept any care unless it’s from their DC or won’t sign POA’s even though it can cause a nightmare if they don’t. I’d love to know more about what happens to our brains, I wonder if the current older people thought they’d be less of a burden as they got older and then over time they either don’t realise they are or just become selfish or is it a survival instinct or something else?

My mum, caring for her mum, used to trot out that line about shooting herself when she got to that stage (people say go to Dignitas now but it didn’t exist then). Now, at the age of 93, she’s fighting tooth & nail for every extra day.

So, the difference it’s made to me is not to make any assumptions about how I’ll really feel when it comes to the crunch.

I think it might be a mix of denial and control- it seems out of control getting older with health problems and other people dying and asking for outside help shows they need it and giving POA is like giving up control of that too.

Will has been done since I was early 40s (needs updating) and will set up both POAs once my kids are over 21.

Have a conversation with both of them about 'putting me in a home' if I'm not coping at home.

Simplify bills and bank accounts. Or at least keep an up to date record of what's what.

Swedish death cleaning. I don't want my kids to have to deal with all my crap once I'm gone. All I want to leave in the loft is a Christmas tree not the 50 boxes of crap I've still got from my parent's house

I am going to dignitas if I get terminally ill. I couldn't bear my sons watching me die by inches . I'm really struggling right now with arthritis and mobility problems. They have done enough

I'm old and now frail. I've got every aid known to humankind. Including, but not limited to, three rollators (one upstairs, one down, one for going out), mobility scooter, chair lift, large walk in shower with shower chair. You get the idea.

I'm lucky that I can afford it, but I've done it to play my part. My adult child and their partner do so much for me. It seems the least I can do, to take advantage of all the things that can help me, thereby helping them.

Power of attorney and Will done, I've had the discussion with family about what I would way 're end of life care and funeral ect.

One of my aims now is to keep my estate, such as it is, below the threshold so adult child doesn't need to go to probate.

I've done this for one reason. Because I love my child.

My mother died suddenly and unexpectedly at 80 . My father who was 85 quickly realised how unprepared they had been regarding finances , etc. Both of them had been very capable and independent and my father continued to do so . The only thing he needed help with was food as he had never really cooked but he was so cooperative and grateful. His finances had always been his private business but he was then more forthcoming and involved me in joint accounts, POA . He even talked about his desired funeral. They never burdened us at all but they both had good health and very quick medical issues that they both died of .
I see so many of my contemporaries aged 50 - 60 juggling still maybe working and elderly parents coupled and also wanting to help out with childcare. I have already had these conversations with my DCs and I am OK with carers or nursing home and money situations have been explained. Currently doing a Swedish death cleaning type thing and looking to downsize.

@BlueLegume thank you got your kind words. Like you we are just expected to sort it out. It’s strangely cathartic writing it down

I’m dealing with my mother’s failing health right now and it’s just awful - she’s so needy, so sad, so difficult, so unreasonable and I’m so exhausted.

So yes, I’ve already told my daughter that I will carry on by myself (I’m happily on my own already) until I can’t manage anymore and then get myself off to a care home. I’ve told her that she & her brothers can visit me a maximum of once a month each) and not have any of this awful faffing about.

I think people start struggling then actually lose awareness. They lose awareness of how much they are struggling and the impact it has when it all falls on the children. Looking after an elderly parent could literally be a full time job if you let it.

I plan to do a Living will at some point

My in laws moved in their 70s from a house that was in a town to one more rural and further away from shops/transport/facilities. They had their full faculties but seemed unwilling to consider what would happen as they reached very old age.

Now my FIL is unable to drive and neither can walk far so they are completely reliant on others, mainly paid carers but also family to do everything for them. They were selfish people when younger and still are completely self absorbed. We see a lot of self pity from them and zero reflection that they have made poor choices that have negatively impacted them and others, especially my SIL who is in the unfortunate position of living closest to them so being the primary carer.

So they have shown us what not to do. We will be moving in our 70s too but into a house that is within better walking distance of everything we will need so that we can access shops/doctors/chemist etc even if we are no longer able to drive.

I am in my late 50s and have had to pick up the pieces and shoulder the burden of many of my parents' poor life choices, so I am already doing things to avoid repeating their mistakes.

I am in the middle of downsizing and massively decluttering.

I will continue to live in an area where I can do everything on foot within a 5-10 minute walk.

I am staying active, not becoming car-dependent, and actually taking deliberate exercise.

I have never smoked.

If I end up needing a knee or hip replacement, I will get one, rather than sticking my head in the sand and becoming completely disabled.

I will simplify my finances, keep my records in good order and make sure my partner/children know where to find things.

I already have a will, and sorting out POA is on my list for next year.

There was some research reported on this, I seem to remember reading earlier this year. But I also think it's related generally to ageing, having constant aches and pains, not being able to do the things they used to do, and the world getting smaller as they go out less and harder to see friends so everything becoming focussed on their own needs.

But I too think they also forget, or never knew, what it's like working now. Mine hasn't worked in 25 years, never had a computer at work and never commuted. She cannot comprehend my working life in the slightest and isn't interested in finding out. In her day they still had a staff room and everyone got a lunch hour and tea breaks. Refusal to accept the different role of women now. Mine earned a bit of extra money for the household whereas I'm the breadwinner and responsible for paying the mortgage. She can't see that mine and my DH's set up is very different to hers - I suspect she sees him as a bit of a failure for not "providing" for me so I was then free to run around after her!

Previously more generous attitudes at work - eg people seemed to be granted time off for the funerals of all sorts of random people. Now I'm entitled to one day for a select list of relatives. She was shocked when I refused to go to her friend's funeral (not someone I even knew) and couldn't comprehend that I'd have had to use up a day of annual leave to do that.

My DPs are very elderly and in a big 4 bed house that is completely beyond them (ex council house in deprived area). We made them out in a stairlift and re did their bathroom to have a walk in shower two years ago, both of which have been a success. But my mother hoards and Dad enables so the house is full of crap. It’s a mess.

Our plan is to get DS off to Uni then declutter, move and downsize. We have a town by the sea in mind that’s not remote, it has all amenities and transport connections and DS could get there easily.

Then looking further ahead, if/ when he has children, we’ll move again to be close to grandchildren. 10 mins walk would be ideal, close enough to pop round but far enough away to give him privacy.

We’ve done wills and will give him POA as soon as he’s old enough.

Our main resolution is all the crap though - we’re not going to make him clear a house, it’s just too much. DH has already done his parents’ house and I will have to do mine.

My father kept all the important stuff in one drawer and let us know about it - thank God he did. My mother on the other hand was a complete nightmare, not really her fault but as the dementia progressed she tended to 'relocate' things. I'm not sure if there's a solution to that as people live for a long time in denial of the condition. But if the house hadn't been stuffed to the rafters with crap it wouldn't have been quite so bad.

Move into town (from a village), get paperwork in order, Swedish death cleaning, and an advance directive should they become legal, or a one way trip to Belgium. I will not do this to my own children.

My mum is 88…..lives alone ……still drives…..fit and active….no health issues…..we encouraged her to downsize at 80 into a bungalow where she is very settled…..me and my DD have POA for health and finances…..im trustee of her trust ( her house) ……I’ve sorted a gardener to come in and do ‘one off’ jobs…..,I have the telephone numbers of 3 of her neighbours in case I can’t get hold of her ( I live 1.5 hrs away) …..Mums fine with WhatsApp and YouTube and bbc layer……but has never taken an interest in the internet……hence I sort all her online bills now …….since she moved and we got rid of years of clutter ( she had been in her home 47 years), I encourage her to have regular clear outs when I visit and do tip and charity shop trips for her……I encourage her to make a running to do list of jobs for me and my partner when we visit…..I phone her every other evening……sometimes just a very quick, are you ok? …..and on the nights I don’t phone I check her WhatsApp, when she was last on…..I take her away 2 or 3 times a year because I’m mindful that many of her friends have died or not mobile enough to go on holiday anymore ……if the time comes when she is not as mobile and struggling to live alone, she can come live with if she wants ……we have the front lounge that we rarely use that would make into a bedroom and we have a downstairs bathroom…..mum has made a will and I am executor

I don't want my children to have to care for me. At least one of them definitely won't because of career choice. Equally I don't want to mind their children FT. When I finally get to retire, that time's for me.

My parents were actually very uncomplicated. Mum diagnosed with terminal cancer at 62, dad died suddenly 9 days later and my mum was gone within 5 months. House is still full of shit in the teens of years later, although we did do a lot of decluttering, because a sibling still lives there.

I'm decluttering our house as I go along. None of the kids is remotely sentimental but I still have things like the 6th form party invitations I received 40 years ago!! I threw out a lot of stuff I found recently, including letters from 35ish years ago from friends when I was living in London. One friend's was very difficult to dispose of, because she took her life 12-15 years ago, and she'd been the life and soul of the party. I could hear her voice reading her letters. I was ruthless though once I'd read them. I kinda regret it but I'd not read them in over 30 years anyway.