How has this changed how you will approach it?

[Orangesandlemons77]

Getting old, I mean. I see a lot of people hear struggling (me too) mainly with elderly parents in denial / who won't accept help / depend on their children etc

I've teenage children / young adults and menopausal. In a time of reflection about the future. dealing with my own elderly parents (divorced, dysfunctional, difficult) is making me think about the future.

So I just wondered if anyone had thought about this and if dealing with their own parents or in laws had had any impact on how they intend to plan for the future themselves?

Yes. In my case really my parents did a lot of things 'right' but my mother refusing to give us POA for health has been a continuing nightmare. Thank goodness she did POA for finances. I won't give POA to my son right now because he's under 21 and i think it's too much but I'm getting ready to do it then! Likewise I have written a letter of Advanced Refusal of Treatment aiming to get myself straight onto palliative care as soon as I lose mental capacity. It's in my GP notes. This is to try and prevent the sort of overtreatment I deplore.

I also am quite cynical about people moving once they are over 80 or cognitively impaired. I know it does work for some, but it emphatically didn't work for my mum. So I have got plans to make this house work for us in frail old age.

My MIL lives in retirement accommodation now, and things are so much easier for me and DH than if she was trying to cope in her own house, as many of my friends' parents are (while insisting that they want to stay in their own homes). So I hope that when the time comes I'll be open to that as an option.

Yes but in all parts of being older. I see my parents who are highly overweight and still eat badly. That has made me take up the gym and keep a track of what I’m eating. I don’t want to be like that when I’m older. I want to be as strong and as fit as I can going into later life. Lots of their problems are caused by a bad life style and I mean really bad and it has caught up with them.

I am more careful with my money as they have ended up with nothing after a life time of being well paid but frittered it away on tosh.

after watching what level of care my grandparents needed and now my parents I worry about being left on my own. So I’m trying to make sure that if that happens I’m okay.

Having visited DD in a nursing home for 8 years and looked after DM who died at 102 I think I go with The Who ‘hope I die before I get old’. In a nutshell, I will use Dignitas. I can’t bear the thought of my DC going through it all for a third time.

I'm still relatively young (child at primary school) heading into menopause but DH is older. We've already put a number of measures in place.

Chosen to live somewhere we aren't car-dependent. Yes, we have a car. But we can easily walk to doctor, dentist, hospital, shops, library, cafes. Bus stop close by. That means we won't have the problems I've experienced with elderly relatives insisting on living somewhere remote without public transport and then really struggling once they can no longer drive. House could easily become ground-floor living only.

Healthy living. Related to the above, a lot of my relatives' problems have been caused by being car-dependent, so not taking exercise, then not eating healthily, not being a healthy weight causing strain on joints, diabetes etc. It was already happening at the age I am now. Living where we do means it's easy to incorporate exercise into my life despite being very busy. Social life isn't dependent on using a car - staying socially active seems to reduce the risk too.

Got POA and wills sorted. Including our wishes after death and who would
care for our child (I still can't believe my parents didn't plan for this!). Will doubtless need to be revised at some point!

We've sorted out POA and Wills.

The house is fine for both of us. It's all on one level but we'd would likely need help with the garden if not mobile in future. We've a main bathroom with bath but the on-suite has a walk in shower so sorted that way.

We've shops, GP, dentist etc locally but these are 1-2km away and getting a cab might be hard as we're not in a massive town. Right now we walk, cycle or drive to these places but accept that might need a rethink if both of us were less mobile.

We've plenty of activities locally, leisure centre, library, various community centre type things, swimming pool etc but all that is 1-2 km away. Quite heartened to see folks on mobility scooters going too and from town from where we live. We do also have a bus service past the house but that's relatively recent so not relying on that in case the route changes again.

Personally if I'm the last one left I'll likely look for a smaller place closer to a slightly bigger town. We may do that anyways especially if one of us couldn't drive.

Both of us will pay for whatever help we need. We've no kids and even if we had we'd never ever ask them to support us in old age.

We're both very fit, do lots of exercise, daily walk whilst WFH, monster hill walks at weekends. I do some strength training - being at the age where the hormones go wonky I want to keep what bone mass as strong as possible. We've lots of mates a lot older that are still very active and we can see very much the benefits of use it or lose it.

I'm also quite determined that if given a diagnosis of dementia or similar that I will (assuming I'm capable) take steps to ensure I won't be around too long - a long walk some place I won't be found perhaps. Dignitas or similar might be an option if I'm diagnosed with something terminal or insufferable but unless things changed I don't think you can yet go to Dignitas with dementia. My biggest fear is I develop some cognitive impairment and I'm no longer able to take action or decide for myself what I want.

My DH is aware of my wishes with regards to medical treatment in such circumstances or anything else where quality of life is gone - basically pain relief and nothing else. I do really need to write something to give to the GP on this.

@macdui brilliant response. Especially the part relating to the fact you do not have children BUt even if you did you would not ask them to support you in old age.

As someone with a high risk of dementia (I’m currently watching a close relative go down that path), this is such a depressing thread 😔. I won’t be walking off into the wilderness to die slowly - that sounds very unpleasant. And I hope my relative stays (mostly) content and isn’t tempted to do anything similar.

Currently moving my 87 year old mother in with me to live. If I’m honest I feel angry that she has refused to downsize 10 years ago when we were all a bit younger and fitter. It feels a lot at this late stage and her stubbornness has impacted myself and my sister significantly. At 60 years of age I am forced into the role of carer and it feels too much. I have four sons and I will make early provision for downsizing and life admin. As a previous poster said Dignitas is also something I give serious consideration to.

I might try doing something like this if I get older.

https://twogenerations.co.uk/?gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAC5PptC9ARPE1glKK_fz8QVIVoTgY&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIwuH-jLDFiQMVEYBQBh1HegNkEAAYASAAEgKXI_D_BwE

I have a risk gene for alzheimers too and that has made me think more about this as well.

My biggest takeaway from caring for my DM is to really make the most of life. Shes’s early 70’s and has advanced Alzheimer’s, she’s lived in a nursing home for two years. I’m only about 10 years younger than the age she was when started to notice something wasn’t quite right.

@lateSeptember1964 oh I am so sorry this is happening. I can completely understand your anger. There are so many of us in this age bracket who didn’t have the lifestyles of our parents having to press pause to take care of them. My grandparents all died well before my parents were in their 60s. They weren’t ill for long so did not require too much assistance. We have medicalised ailments in the elderly to a point now where they are existing when in the past they wouldn’t. We are currently at an impasse with our mother. She won’t accept external help such as cleaners, meals on wheels or carers. She won’t accept considering a care home as she is not physically ill and has full capacity but has gradually become selectively incompetent about tasks which mean we have to be physically present. We tried to get them as it was to move years ago by suggesting they prepare for later life and they dismissed us. When they did try to a few years ago but far too late it was clear they had no idea about purchasing houses and seemed to find fault in every place we showed them. We are now in the mess they created but we are meant to lap it up according to our brother - even though he has been barely present in their lives over the years. It is horrible but our mother seems to think we should all pander after her.

Yes - sorted out wills and will sort out POA at Christmas when kids are back from uni. Chucking out stuff - getting rid of the excess and unnecessary. I am not leaving my kids with rooms of tat to get rid of. I know we won't need a 4 bed house in the future but whilst kids still at uni it is still there home for now. I would like to downsize in the future.

@Orangesandlemons77 , my parents are both now gone. 😔
Trying to care for them was really, really tough. We’ve moved to a property which is set up for us getting old, there are no changes of level on the ground floor; falls are to be avoided at all costs. I should have enough money to pay for help in and around the house including carers. Most of all I want my children to be able to be my family not my carers.

@Icanthinkformyselfthanks great post. We cannot actually spend any nice time with our mother as we have to be ‘doing’ all the time. I wont use the term carers as she is perfectly capable she has just decided she doesn’t like her life so wants us miserable as well. Always been the same to be honest.

I care for my Dad who has dementia. He lives with us. In part, because we can as it fits our circumstances and we want to but also, in part, because he and Mum cared for my Grandparents (one at home).

Interestingly though, I do not expect my children to do it for me. I doubt their lives would allow for it - in that we have a specific set of circumstances that makes it possible. I make sure they know that and that in most cases it wouldn't be possible and its OK to use a care home. Just so, if our actions have an impact on the way they feel in the future they understand that we do not expect the same.

Yes, we had a good think about the house layout and location before we started the current round of improvements, which have all been designed with our future, tottery, 80+ year old selves in mind.

Near to bus stops, surgery.

Can put in a stairlift.

Loos now fairly high up.

I was lucky enough to see DM doing things that did work for her (so we can follow her example!).

We live in a 3 bed flat in the city centre, so all on one level already apart from up some stairs. A neighbour below us is 86 and margin it OK. has a nice shared garden and ultra close to shops, park etc

I'm hoping we can stay here and if DC move out could get a lodger perhaps or one of the house share people mentioned upthread. maybe a cat too.

i am trying to save enough each month so that I can pay for things for myself in old age. So many people in old age refuse help because they want to be independent. By independent they mean relying entirely on a family member to take the whole burden. So what I take from my experience is to already have a chat with my kids about how I want my old age to feel like. Not that far in the future for me.
I continue to have a mass clear out of my home and am gradually persuading my reluctant other half to do the same. All of them have asked whether I would consider moving closer to them and I said. “No”. They laughed at the vehemence of that.

I'm live-in carer to my remaining parent. I'm using the opportunity to get fit and lose the weight I gained when I ate my way through an abusive marriage.

This winter I'm decluttering all my stuff. A bit of Swedish death cleaning is in order. I want to get my own affairs in order and work out my finances for when I'm eventually alone.

We accumulate so much stuff and don't really need much at all.

DH and I have both observed our parents and are using it as a blueprint of what not to do.

We sorted both health and finance POA a year or two ago, and gave each other and our DS POA. We also sorted out wills about 10 years ago and have updated them once already since then and will continue to update as our circumstances change.

We’re about to move house into somewhere we’ve completely renovated. The plan is to stay there for 20 years all being well, then we will do a huge downsize. At that point we’ll both be mid 60’s. We’ve realised the time to downsize is about 5-10 years before you feel you want or need to. Our parents left it too late and now don’t have the energy or ability or mental faculties to deal with a house move and are living in completely unsuitable homes.

As part of the downsize we will gift DS a good portion of the proceeds of the sale of our home. We’ve already told him there will be no inheritance other than a house and maybe some small amount of money left in a bank account. However we have paid for him to go through Uni, he has taken no loans and hasn’t needed to work, we will be giving him a sum of money towards a house purchase when he’s ready and plan to pay towards a wedding, family holidays, meals out, etc whenever we we can. We’re going to spend our money and enjoy watching DS and (hopefully) his family benefit from however we can help and spoil them now rather than him getting a lump of money when we’re dead.

We have no expectations of DS looking after us in any way, we will buy help in as soon as it’s needed. We already have a cleaner and gardener and don’t see it as any different to that. I cannot fathom why parents are sitting on pots of money and refusing to pay for any outside help while expecting their children to run themselves ragged for them, it’s utterly selfish and it baffles me.

@Lytlethings yes my mother really thinks her and Dad were ‘fiercely independent’ for years . Reality is for around 15 years all of us have sorted utilities, phones, car, handymen etc because they refused to address the fact their home was unsuitable. I have posted this elsewhere but as things deteriorated over the past 2 years our brother sent my DSis and I a very hoity message about the state of the storage shed being full. It literally is stuffed with storage boxes of toiletries cleaning products paint etc etc. I immediately responded with - ‘really? The kids used to want to go and play in grannies shop when they were little.’.

A childhood memory from the 70s was an airing cupboard so rammed with sets of towels you needed a step ladder to reach.

This is a house stuffed with stuff. Not messy but every wardrobe and drawer full. It is interesting because I am the absolute opposite. I have what I need plus a very few luxuries and it works.

I'm already on PIP for long term health problems so presumably that will change to AA at retirement age- who knows, but I would save some of this and use it towards support needed. I also get cont based ESA which is not means tested.

I've just given DH and DS POA, it has just been processed.

And YY to not having too much stuff. In laws have masses and it has turned into a real problem.