Aging mum and autism?

[Facecream24]

I’ve wondered for years if I have autism, usual feelings of not fitting in, finding it hard to understand people and situations. Like I’m pretending all the time. I have a terrible memory too, I remember very few things from my childhood and the ones I do are usually bad memories. I feel like I’ve little connection with my mum. She’s always been kind, looked after me well, generous but I just feel like as with most people in my life that I have no strong relationship with her. I don’t know how to communicate with her and I’m not sure if she does with me. So we’ve got by over the years with me making all the effort and her responding to that level of effort.

So now, she’s old and had an operation that she hasn’t communicated about properly beforehand and it turns out she’s not really able to look after herself without help. I also think she might be starting with dementia l. My sibling has stepped in as had some a/l and was due to visit anyway but now has to go home and wants to know what I’m going to do. Additional context I work full time with 2 primary aged kids, have no a/l due to working pattern, live an hour away and have a big work event this week so I’ve said I can go when that’s done later in the week. I’ve been shouted at, told I don’t care at all and generally made to feel terrible about my lack of effort but I feel at a loss as to what else to do. I don’t really like spending time with her or in her house and have this lack of feeling of connection with her but at the same time do feel guilt like I should be doing more. Is this an indication of autism or am I just a terrible person or narcissistic or whatever that I don’t feel differently?

Dad died a while ago, I was very upset despite not being particularly close to him and think I’ve just buried the feelings really. I don’t know if my decreasing relationship with my mum is almost one of protecting myself of more hurt too?

Any insights would be helpful

You say that she is kind, but I'm wondering if there are parts of the relationship that are very tricky? What do you mean by you "making all the effort"? And was it her shouting at you, or was it your sister?

She can be very stubborn and determined, I just find the relationship awkward but then that’s how I feel about the vast majority of relationships even the one with my husband some times.
I do make all the effort. I asked her once, I was pretty upset, about 5 years ago why she never called me or contacted me and her answer was that I’m always so busy. So unless she has an emergency or a message she really wants to pass on there is no contact made by her. I call/FaceTime once a week prior to this operation and message a bit in between and make every single arrangement to see her like inviting her to lunch or meeting out. It has been like this for a long time now since she started to get older. She’s always happy to say yes to my suggestions.

It was my sibling shouting, apparently I don’t give a shit and they’re doing everything. But I honestly feel like I don’t know what to do. When I don’t get told anything or asked to do anything other than apparently disappear my own life without notice for a week.

Sorry just to add. My sibling has felt very poorly of me for a while. I’ve never been able to meet the high expectations of how they think I should behave and act. Again I think because I just don’t see relationships and understand them in the same way as they do.

It sounds like you are being scapegoated tbh. It’s not ok to shout at people even if they disappoint you.

It sounds as if your sibling shouted because they felt overloaded and worried. Tbh they may have been pressured by the hospital or by your mother to support her going home, and feel you have got off lightly. But as you've said, it isn't easy to drop everything at no notice when you have a life!

It sounds to me as if the poor communication in your family is not just yours. Do you think your mother is autistic? Perhaps she didn't realise how affected she would be by the surgery and didn't think to find out more. It sounds as if the need for support should have been realised much earlier.

I also do wonder how much support your mother needs right now, and what with. Meals? Showering/personal care? Or more like getting out and about? If it's essential stuff, she might be eligible for short term care from Adult Social Services. Slmetimes you can get crisis care if nobody is going yo be available. But it also sounds as if she might be able to call them herself. I would try to ring her and ask her what help she needs.

The thing is, regardless of whether or not you have autism and, if so, it's impacting your feelings...your feelings matter. It doesn't matter why you feel what you feel, no explanation is needed.

You sound slightly overwhelmed by your standard life anyway (FT job, little children, no flexible leave), it's possible you simply won't be able to provide your mum with any sort of care. That's okay. You might want to talk to your sibling and/or your Mum about Power of Attorney and helping with life admin stuff from a distance. But if you can't or don't want to do anything, that's your choice to make and you should feel free to ignore your sibling who is not your boss.

You don't need to have autism to feel like this. Many people feel like this but they help their parents out of a sense of duty. I read about people here who are NC with parents but don't know any in real life. It's up to you as to whether you lend a hand but you could also look at what care your Mum might be entitled to.

I don't think this is connected with whether or not you're autistic (and if you are it runs in families so it could be your mum and sister both are too).

Like many of us, you're suddenly being faced with caring responsibilities whilst juggling the rest of your life. Your mum should have communicated better what was needed, although maybe she misunderstood or wasn't capable of understanding. Or maybe the hospital's instructions were poor. Often people seem to get told they must have someone with them for 24/48 hours afterwards but nobody mentions how they'll manage to get meals for the next few weeks whilst recovering from whatever it is - was it planned or emergency surgery?

Sounds like your sibling stepped in to do the 24/48 hours thing, then got landed with far more than that. If they felt overwhelmed they should have talked to the hospital about what the care plan was after that, not shouted at you.

At least you are clear you can't offer physical care from 90 mins away with a full time job and young children. If you did want to help (and that's up to you, same as it's up to your sibling what they agree to) you could offer to organise a supermarket shop, or look into meals on wheels or similar?

Thank you to everyone who has replied so far. She is generally capable - has had supermarket deliveries for years, cleaner in place for the last year and a gardener in the summer. All organised by herself including POA. I think she has completely underestimated how her mobility would be reduced in the short term and adaptations she might need and these are now in place.

I do feel like the shouting (and swearing, which was in front of my young kids) was out of order. You’re right even if they’re disappointed in me, this was incredibly upsetting and uncalled for and if I’m honest I feel like it’s just put a further wedge in. I haven’t really been eating or sleeping well since. I do feel guilty I can’t do more currently but as I’ve already said I don’t even feel like I know when something needs doing.

I really appreciate all your insights.

Having just had to support a parent through an operation and juggle my own young children I can tell you it's exhausting and stressful and probably contributing to her shouting. Not that shouting is fair.

Ultimately you had no notice you would be needed and no time to plan how you can help. You have your own small children and are not local. What else could you do?

I'm autistic and my NY sibling was an absolute arse supporting our parent so it's can't solely be blamed on autism. Sounds like you have been making a good amount of effort to maintain the relationship with your mother. So from my autistic point of view I don't think you did anything wrong.

OP it might help you to know that in a similar situation, except the surgery was planned and discussed in advance, it was really obvious I couldn't do much to help as I was at a distance, had a preschool child and a job. So relative had to go into residential care for a couple of weeks once out of hospital.

Wasn't happy about it, but there wasn't a family member able to be around for two weeks to do it.

You have said this several times now.

" but as I’ve already said I don’t even feel like I know when something needs doing."

You've managed to raise a family so you understand the basics of life. It's the emotional aspect you possibly don't get? This usually manifests itself in ways like not asking how someone is and being focussed on what YOU feel. Having just spent several days with an AHDH family member I realise she is the same. No thoughts for others but can go through the motions if necessary.

yes it is the emotional aspect I don’t understand. I don’t feel close to them, I don’t remember my childhood. There’s an age gap with sibling so we have no time in history where we’ve spent time together or had things in common. This is why I question whether I’m autistic and if I am what do I do about it? I can’t fix it and make myself feel things differently? I have felt exhausted from pretending and trying and still getting it wrong.

i wonder if another PP is also right in that it runs in families. At no time in recent history can has my mum or sibling asked how I am or anything about me. They know very little about my life.

Honestly OP, it sounds like a really tricky situation, like you try hard to have a relationship with your mum, and as if your family aren't being reasonable (which often happens in times like this). You sound thoughtful and kind, and I'm not convinced that you did anything wrong.