Supporting a bereaved elderly parent

[Earlydarkdays]

Hi All,

I wondered if anyone else is in the stages of supporting their parent through the loss of their spouse and wanted to have somewhere to talk?

My DF died last week, quite suddenly. I’m an only child with a young family of my own and DM relied very heavily on DF. We have a very long way to go to navigate this. I am still just feeling numb and exhausted rather than anything else re losing my DF. DM wants to be with me all the time and I am craving space to think, whilst also organising the funeral and trying to complete all of the usual admin required.

I thought it might be useful to have somewhere to chat if anyone else is going through the same, whatever stage you are at.

After a few months, I've noticed a pattern in how I feel I'm dealing with grief, and, unsurprisingly, it's hormone related.
The week before my period is the worst in terms of feeling low, lots of tears about losing mum, spiralling, just feeling very, very emotionally vulnerable. The rest of the month isn't as bad.
I guess what I'm saying is when we feel like we're 'not coping' and like there's no escape, there are often other gremlins at play.
I'm perimenopausal (nearly 50) and dealing with the fluctuations is interesting. HRT has definitely helped, but it's still a rollercoaster.

That’s interesting. I can imagine when other life factors or hormones are throwing more at us that this is a very common thing. Very useful to note as well, thanks! I hope HRT helps a bit at least.

I think we have mainly sorted the service now. Thank you for your very helpful ideas, we have managed to incorporate those to make it work which is really helpful.

I’ve been trying to start the process of informing banks etc and working out pension entitlement/benefits for DM but am completely overwhelmed by it. I am happy to take on any admin, and to be honest, need to as DM isn’t taking much in anyway but the slow progress with anything along with a need to start getting back to normal with the kids etc has got to me today. DH travels with work regularly and needs to start again, we are trying to move house, have both DC’s birthdays in the next three weeks and DM needs a huge amount of handholding but still cannot work out how to get the bus to my house so I am having to drive to her everyday. It’s only about 30 mins away but just feels like too much just now.

I know in time I’ll look back and we will have made it through all of this. Wish we could just do that now!

How are the rest of you getting on

Coming back to this to ask how everyone is getting on?

Somehow, we are coming up to 7 months since we lost my Dad. I don’t really know how that time has passed. I went back to work after 6 weeks, and life is busy around the kids and work, so we’ve just muddled along. I’m finding it easier to function but still get the waves of grief, I always will I imagine.

DMum is in some ways doing better than I expected. She’s started volunteering a bit and is still going to her walking group and something else. She’s lonely though, that is obvious. She struggles with her mental health anyway and tells me some days she feels like there is nothing to get up for. It’s hard to know what to say to that. I always see her on one of my days off during the week, and she comes to us and spends the day with us and our young DC for one day at the weekend but if she doensn’t do that at the weekend, she is often home with no plans from Thurs-Sun which I struggle not to feel guilty about. It’s hard to balance supporting her and needing space to ourselves for our own family unit.

How does everyone else handle this?

I’m quite a few years down the road on this one. The weekends were particularly hard, especially bank holiday weekends where she’d potentially be on her own for longer. Ultimately I didn’t want her to be dependent on my company (I ended up moving five hours away several years later!) as it wouldn’t help her in the long run. So made sure I wasn’t available every weekend, encouraged her to arrange to meet up with people then. She did gradually build a network. The bereavement group via the local hospice was great as it meant people in the same boat who were often also at a loose end at weekends.

It gets harder when your children get bigger as regular weekend activities, parties and playdates happen more often and it’s then harder to meet the needs of everyone (elderly person who wants to sit and chat vs chauffeuring children to often loud venues the elderly person would hate!). So starting to encourage her to spend time with others at weekends will help.

Thanks for starting this thread. My DM passed away suddenly in March and I'm supporting DF 88. He stayed with us for a good few weeks and returned home a couple weeks ago. He seems to be doing well. Some good advice upthread about sleeping on the other side of the bed. I had suggested to Dad he moved Mum's chair so he could sit in that instead of his own. I think I will raise this again otherwise he looks at the empty chair from his own

I feel like I'm just supporting everyone always. I have a teenager, partner who works long hours, a busy job and my DB is often out of work and needs financial support which is very draining emotionally also. (It transpires DM helped him more than we knew).

It's all quite exhausting but I appreciate things could be more challenging. I guess we have to remember to look after ourselves to make us able to look after the others!

I’m sorry for your loss @Channellingsophistication. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate with supporting your Dad as well as general life at the moment. Does he have much other support around him?

I find I swivel between impatience for my DMum’s needs for what feels like constant hand holding, to feeling sympathy for her suddenly finding herself having to navigate life alone without my Dad. She is only in her early 70s, but relied heavily on him for many things, partially driving and getting around and I find she wants me to basically take that over. I’ve taken over management of her finances and household admin which needed to happen anyway, but it always feels like there is something else to be done. At times I would very much like to just close the door to everyone and sleep for a week.
However, I am aware that in comparison to many, this is actually an easy stage. My DH is very good at compartmentalising things and not letting one area of life annoy him in another, a strategy I realise I need to employ in this stage of life I think.

I do get very impatient with that attitude though. Early 70s isn’t too old to learn how to do some things or find alternatives. I know some (particularly) women didn’t have much choice if their husband always insisted on managing the money or doing the driving, but surely it’s everyone’s responsibility to think about how they’d manage if their partner was no longer there or even if botb of them were unable to drive?

Mine was very keen for me to take over some aspects of her life (and widowed far younger than yours was) but I’m very glad now I put my foot down and insisted on showing her how to do things rather than doing it for her. Otherwise she’d have driven me mad by now!

Thanks, this is really helpful to read. Ironically, my DM was the driving force in the relationship generally and my DDad was a bit of a pushover with her. She can be quite dominant. So I think it was a case that he did the driving and many other things to keep the peace to be honest, although she does actually drive but has lost a lot of confidence now. She has however, had huge difficulties with her mental health in the last 5 years or so, which lead to far more reliance on him (and me whenever she could) I think. Managing her finances (albeit with her making decisions etc) etc is something we agreed on when my DDad was alive thankfully, which was necessary after what had happened with her mental health and the resulting impacts so I would probably be doing more of that now even if my Dad was still here. However, I think what you have reminded me of is that she is actually capable of learning to do new things and it will help both of us in the long run if I support her to learn rather than just doing it all myself.
I’ve organised a gardener and cleaner in the last few months because that was another thing she was starting to rely on me for which I simply didn’t want to happen. It’s been interesting to see that she is now talking about doing the gardening herself as she doesn’t want to pay for it- and she is actually capable of this I think.

I think I need to learn to not react to every text and phone call and let her work things out for herself more. There has been so many crises in recent years with my Dad’s physical health and her mental health, that it feels like I have been on constant alert and if I wasn’t, something awful would happen. However, she now has good support for her mental health and is in a much better place. Remembering the long game here, that I could be doing this for a good 20+ years still, is a very useful reminder of not trying to do it all! Thank you for that!!

I'm glad it was helpful! I think the research shows that learning new skills helps, rather than doing, say, a crossword every day. Ie the same thing on repeat. It’s the doing something new and learning from it that encourages brain plasticity and helps ward off cognitive decline?

I’ve seen my elderlies decline in ability and confidence from about 75 onwards, and dramatically so after 85, so if you can encourage her to get to a higher level of ability and independence now, that’ll make it easier in the longterm for both you and her. That doesn’t mean she has to drive where she doesn’t want to, it could be encouraging her to get used to buses, patient transport or using a local taxi firm. More skills, she’ll see more people and also help future-proof herself.

Hi, my mum passed away on the 11th April this year. She was diagnosed with liver cancer the cancer had spread and was at stage 4. From the day of diagnosis to the day she passed was just 3 weeks.
Obviously me and my dad are grieving but we are not grieving differently.
I think he may be going through an anger stage, he seems to be irritated with everything I say and do and we just end up arguing which is not what I want.
I try to explain to him that I'm grieving as well and there is no right or wrong way and there is no timeline.
He always seems so impatient, like everything needs to happen right away.
I can't seem to get him to realize that I need my space.
Has anyone else experienced this with their father?

@Alister45, I’m very sorry to hear about the loss of your DM. It is never easy, but to have happened so quickly must have been very difficult for you and your Dad to get your head around.

Do you and your Dad live together? Do you have any siblings?

I’m a year down the line now since we lost my DD, and my DM and I have definitely had our ups and downs as we grieve. I’ve really had to bite my tongue at times and make space for myself whilst remembering her whole world has turned upside with the loss and that must be so hard to get used to.

Do you have support from elsewhere or anyone else you can talk to about your grief apart from your Dad? I didn’t go to bereavement counselling but will admit I have learnt very heavily on my best friend over the last year and my DM went to a bereavement group which she found helpful. Sometimes just having an outside person to listen can be really helpful.

@Alister45 I am in exactly the same situation as you.
My DM passed away in hospital 2 weeks ago of Motor Neurone Disease. We got the diagnosis 2 days before she died.
I live 3 hours away from my parents so have been staying with Dad for a month now. I was going with him to the hospital 2 weeks before Mum died and I am here another 2 weeks to arrange the funeral & all the other admin that needs sorting out.
Dad & I have probably been with each other for too long now. He is starting to get cross with me & at the moment any suggestion I make about anything gets rejected so I am now really afraid to speak or have any opinion about anything and we seem to be arguing or disagreeing all the time.
It makes me feel sad as I have supported him above any of my own needs but then the guilt sets in and I understand it is grief that is causing this and I am the one to take it out on.
My brother seems to get on better but he has only stayed for one week out of the month and I have been the main one supporting my Dad.