Supporting a bereaved elderly parent

[Earlydarkdays]

Hi All,

I wondered if anyone else is in the stages of supporting their parent through the loss of their spouse and wanted to have somewhere to talk?

My DF died last week, quite suddenly. I’m an only child with a young family of my own and DM relied very heavily on DF. We have a very long way to go to navigate this. I am still just feeling numb and exhausted rather than anything else re losing my DF. DM wants to be with me all the time and I am craving space to think, whilst also organising the funeral and trying to complete all of the usual admin required.

I thought it might be useful to have somewhere to chat if anyone else is going through the same, whatever stage you are at.

Condolences . I went through this albeit a while ago.

I would say make sure you take time for yourself, you're grieving too. I ended up doing some counselling. Don't try and be all things to all people- you've got parent, child, probably job too.

Losing a life partner is huge, especially if they've been very dependent on them. But be aware of how much support you're committing to long term and what you can feasibly give. The first few weeks are very intense and admin heavy. And a bit of a blur to be honest.
There are other sources of support out there eg the local hospice ran a bereavement group which my surviving parent found helpful (needed some persuasion to go!) and longterm gave a group of new friends in the same position.

@Earlydarkdays oh much love to you and condolences on the death of your father.

Your user name is spot on because it is a horrible horrible horrible time. I've been through this a while back and I would say

-the death of your parent is one of the toughest emotional experiences you will go through in your life. People often say grief is the price paid for love and there is a lot in that. Do try to hang on to that sense - the pain is a reflection of your love. Even if it is expected, its a shock. if it was unexpected, the shock will be multiplied a gazzilion-fold. So first thing is don't expect too much of yourself (or your mother) for at least 12 months and possibly longer.

-Do NOT make any big decisions (her selling the house/moving etc) for at least 12 months because you aren't functioning normally.

-You are in the worst of it. It's all raw and the pain is so searing and you are in shock. This time will seem like a blur in a year or so because of the shock but you will remember the kindness and the friends who stuck by you. Grief makes many people disappear.

-You and your mother are in the same boat - having lost the same person you both loved - so you can help each other in your grief. BUT your grief will be different because you were a daughter and she was a spouse AND because everyone grieves differently. There is no hierachy or judgment in grief. It all hurts, its all different.

-If she wants to be with you but you need space, my advice would be to manage that as best you can to give her what she wants at the same time as getting what you need. If her grief means she wants to be with you all the time, honour that and do that as much as you can because it will comfort her short term and long term she will remember it and you won't judge yourself adversely/feel guilty later (not that you would have a reason to but we all have capacity to feel irrational guilt). HOWEVER, your grief is important too so if you need some space, manage it as best and as gently as you can. So for example rather than saying to her 'go back to your own house for the afternoon', I need time to sort out the funeral' find an alternative - can you contact a friend of hers or another relative and get them to sit with her for a bit or do something of low engagement and intensity - like go for a walk with a dog.

-A very useful piece of grieving advice I was given for spouses/people who live together is to get the spouse to move into the deceased's usual spaces in the house - by which I mean if DF had a favorite chair, DM should now sit in his chair and if he had a particular side of the bed, she should sleep on his side of the bed. This has two massive benefits, it avoids the discomfort and upset of sitting there just looking at an empty chair or waking up and looking the direction they've always looked to the empty side of the bed. Secondly, it can allow them to feel closer to the deaceased.

-Don't forget yourself. A book I'd highly recommend is

Coping with Grief 5th Edition (Paperback)
Dianne McKissock (author), Mal McKissock (author)
https://www.waterstones.com/book/coping-with-grief-5th-edition/dianne-mckissock/mal-mckissock/9780733339578

I'm so sorry.

Are there any people supporting you? Your dh, your GP? Anyone your mother is able to spend time with - vicar, cousin, neighbour? Do try and take those breaks.

I'd say get more time than you think you need on the fit note from your GP. Maybe a month? More? It sounds as if you need a significant chunk.

I’m in a rush so a very brief message @Earlydarkdays .

It’s crude but having been, and still going, through it, it’s completely and utterly shit and awful, and you have my deepest sympathies.

My wonderful amazing DF died completely unexpectedly of a heart attack (12 days after his annual check up that said everything was fine) this summer. I feel like my whole world is in ruins.

Not only have I lost ‘my person’, I’ve gained the responsibility of looking after my mum who is in poor physical health and now mentally struggling. It’s really really rough. Like your situation my mum relied on my dad for everything. She doesn’t drive. He was the sociable one, he was her everything. Her world has become very small. We are quite different people. I love her, she’s my mum, but I don’t find her easy tbh.

I’m trying to juggle all the balls and it’s really tough.

I don’t have any answers for you I’m afraid but sending some very unmumsnetty hugs.

Thank you all. I can’t tell you how much it has helped to read of others’ experiences of this.

I’m sorry to hear of your losses of DParents. I don’t think it is ever easy however it happens. @CompletelyLost24, I’m sorry you are walking through the early months of this. I hope you are getting some time to process things where you can.

I do have a wonderful DH who is immensely supportive, and am surrounded my dear friends who know my family situation well (DM has some significant mental health difficulties, not dementia, which have caused quite a few challenges for us over the years) so that is good support. I have been signed off until mid Dec and will take more time if I need it. I only work part time but in a role that requires full involvement with people all day so I know I simply couldn’t cope just now.

Your practical suggestions to call on others to sit with or do things with DM, and take this as a chance for a break is excellent advice. Thank you. I have reached out to a couple of people to see if they can do that in the next week or two so I can try and sort funeral arrangements and try to start putting POA in place etc. Thank you for the suggestions.

Sending love to all of you dealing with this just now.

@Earlydarkdays and everyone, thank you so much for setting up this thread. I'm so sorry others are going through this hideous time, but am also reassured by the lovely people here who want to support their parents through the darkest days.
My beloved mum died in June, six weeks after being diagnosed with a brain tumour, completely unexpected. My brother and I moved in to their house to care for mum and support dad, which was the right thing to do, we wouldn't do anything different if we had to again, but it was physically, mentally and emotionally challenging.
Dad's 80 and in good health, now facing life without his rock. Mum was the glue, the do-er, the organiser, social secretary, house-manager, finances, the lot. Dad is smart, proud, kind, sociable, very capable, but mum was the energy in their relationship if that makes sense?
I've been supporting him practically and emotionally and he is trying, by keeping busy at home, seeing friends once or twice a week, food shopping, looking after our dog, but he's struggling, he's lonely and he's just terribly sad.
He and my brother have a habit of bundling all their grief up and dumping it at my feet, so I've learnt to set some boundaries and we've had some tricky but productive conversation about it. I've also come to the realisation that I'm not responsible for dad's happiness. I can help him and give him ideas, but I can't make things better. He's making the right noises about counselling and joining bereavement groups but he's not actually done that yet.
I've moved to compressed hours so I can support him one day a week if needed, but not a weekly commitment.
I feel like I'm unravelling a bit emotionally as I try to manage my own grief and I know I need to get some help. I will make enquiries this week. I have a great support network but I feel like I need something different to try and help me work through stuff.
Thank you to everyone for your advice, there are some excellent suggestions which I'm going to take forward.

@MargaritaPracticallyCan, I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your DM.

Well done for starting to look at some bereavement support for yourself this week. That sounds like a very good idea.

Like your DM, my DF did pretty much everything for DM so it’s a massive lifestyle change as well as everything else thrown at them. You’ve done well to put some boundaries in place whilst supporting your DF.

I honestly feel like I could just sleepwalk through the coming weeks.

Here to chat when you need to.

@Earlydarkdays thank you, and same goes, am here for you. I don't know if you'd come across this, but when it comes to informing any government-related services about your DF's death, you can register with 'tell us once' via the gov.uk website and it will contact lots of agencies on your behalf, so you don't need to call/email them all.
I found organising the funeral kind of cathartic, and actually, it was a beautiful day, despite being cloaked in sadness, it was just right for mum, and for us. I hope you can take the time you need to make time for yourself in coming days, and if you can, be gently honest with your mum when you need space. I've found that if I explain things to my dad in terms of 'it would really help me if...' then he understands, as he really doesn't want to burden me, though of course, that happens. We've had some really nice days together recently when we've been able to be just dad and daughter, but it's taken time to get here.

How are you doing @Earlydarkdays ?

How is sorting out the funeral going?

I know many posters talk about the importance of putting boundaries in place. I'm not yet in a position that I can do that yet, my mum is having major surgery in less than 2 weeks, but it is something I think I am going to have to broach in the new year, when she has recovered. Boundaries is quite a strong word, I suppose it is more saying I'm sorry, but I cannot be your everything. Like you mentioned in your first post, my mum (whom I didn't spend that much time with on a weekly basis previously), needs more company and over the past few months I've been it, pretty much. For the first 2 and a half months I went over every day, but with the kids back at school, and myself back at work I can't manage it and it dropped down to 3 or so times a week. But it's still difficult juggling everything and feeling guilty all the time.

I suggested joining things like university of the third age etc, and researched local groups etc but she said she wasn't ready/wasn't interested. But its tough knowing that you're the only person they speak to on a daily basis and if you can't pop over then they won't see anyone at all for days on end. She doesn't have any local friends really. But I think, once she is mobile and feeling physically better after surgery, then I need to try and encourage her to make new connections with others.

I'm starting to appreciate self care is important, like @MargaritaPracticallyCan said. I spoke to my GP finally yesterday as I have a minor ongoing health issue and I ran out of meds just before my dad died and never got round to getting my blood tested and making sure levels were ok and getting a new prescription. I think feeling physically a bit crap has made things harder mentally.

I have had to drop the things that give me joy, mainly my time intensive sport/hobby, and the friends that came with it, because I just couldn't fit everything in. It's been a carousel of looking after the immediate needs of my nuclear family (my DH was incredibly supportive and did the heavy lifting over the summer but is now back at work full time and very busy), working 3/4 days a week, and my in any free chunk of time visiting my mum. But I don't want this to be 'it' forever more. I think logically I know that, but the guilt is very hard to deal with.

I've also come to the realisation that I'm not responsible for dad's happiness. I can help him and give him ideas, but I can't make things better.
This is a really important point. I felt that I was so responsible for my mother, widowed just before lockdown and living 75 miles from us, and in a temporary remission from incurable blood cancer. In fact, she was a tough and resilient person, in a way I couldn't have predicted.

She wasn't my child. It took me some time to become aware of this and to understand that by limiting my own life too much to worry about her I was, in a sense, letting my parents down, being less than I could be, not experiencing life in the fullest way. I still did a lot for her but emotionally I kept in mind the fact that the only person whose state of mind I could really influence was mine.

When I have doubts I think of my own children. Would I want them to live life less fully than they could because of me? Is that what I brought them into the world for?

Tough days, OP. You'll get through it, but let yourself feel the emotions as they come. I have had days after my mother died when I felt like a fountain. I was actually thirsty from the tears. That stage passed for me fairly quickly but this week I have been feeling the dull, pressing kind of sadness for my parents, missing them. I don't think November is my best month, anyway!

Sorry for your loss OP. We lost dad summer 2023 after a short and sudden illness
Mum is in good health but is broken with grief still. They were together since 16, over 60 years and she fell apart.
She is fine with the house side of things, she did bulk of the domestic chores but still doesn't go anywhere alone. She only goes out if we go with her. She doesn't drive either which makes things harder.
We all try to see her as much as possible. I see her two full days a week. One of my siblings is further away so barely sees her.
It's hard going we all work and have children and I feel like I don't get a second to myself. But it is what it is and we won't abandon her. It's just part and parcel of life

I’m so sorry for your loss. I have experienced this a few months ago. I am slightly further down the line than you although I don’t particularly have words of wisdom.

The main thing I’d say is definitely make time for yourself. Put your oxygen mask on first. I feel much calmer when I have had some space.

I felt like I’d lost both parents because DM was so lost she wasn’t and still isn’t herself. She’s quite snappy and isn’t interested in anyone else. It’s really sad.

It is one of the toughest most emotional things to go through in life. Unless friends have experience of losing a parent it’s unlikely they will fully understand how it’s affecting you.

CRUSE has a great helpline for support. They are a fantastic bereavement charity. I’ve called them a few times and their understanding and advice has always been spot on. Definitely use them, they are such kind people.

@CompletelyLost24 Is your Mum expected to be in hospital for a while after surgery? Will she need help when she gets home?
I know that where we are, they offer 6 weeks of funded carer support on discharge from hospital if someone needs it so just mentioning that in case it helps for your DM.

We are slowly wading through the funeral planning. DM keeps crying whenever we speak about it, which is understandable but I haven’t cried at all since the day DF died so feels quite stark a contrast from both of us. I’m just utterly exhausted, no doubt from the grief. I’m doing most of the funeral planning and will need to enact POA for DM once I have the death registered. Thanks for the tip about Tell us Once, I am registering the death today (you have 8 days to register here) so I will ask about that as it sounds very helpful.

That is very difficult for you that your DM hasn’t felt ready to join U3A or similar yet. I imagine it would make such a difference. Hopefully once she has had her surgery and recovered, that might enable her to see more people and alleviate the pressure on you.

@Earlydarkdays She is expected to be in hospital for 2 days after surgery. She is then going into a care home for respite care for at least 2 weeks. She (quite sensibly and understandably) doesn't feel safe being alone in her house after surgery due to the risk of falling (she has other health issues that generally make her unsteady on her feet). I cannot move in with her as she lives 30 min away (can be up to an hour in rush hour), and I've got to get the kids to school/after school sports etc and my husband has to leave home before 7 to commute to work and we have dogs at home. She doesn't have any washing facilities downstairs and so it's just not practical for her to go straight home. I did (rather hesitantly!) say she could come to stay with us, but we don't really have room and have quite a busy household so it wouldn't really be sensible. I think it would have been a disaster for both of us and she said the same. She is funding the respite care privately. Luckily she is in a position to be able to do so as it is going to cost £1500 a week. I'm not sure how things will pan out after the two weeks in care.

I didn't know about the care support package post surgery. No one has mentioned it. Do you know if the scheme has a name, I'd like to look into it. Thank you for telling me.

Good luck for registering the death today. I found that really hard (I had to do it, my mum wouldn't and there were rules about who could). Sounds ridiculous but it was making it official. There was something about it that made it more real, like there was no going back from it - which was obviously absurd, there was no going back from it no matter what. I suppose that was related to a lot of the 'what ifs' around his death, which could have been prevented if they had done more thorough testing.

Just a heads up, it may be completely different where you are, but I found the registrar, quite cold... or at least very abrupt and businesslike. I'm not sure how to describe it. I don't know if it's how all of them are, whether it's a method of trying to keep to time etc. But with everything else people started their interactions asking if you were ok/gave their condolences etc, asked how you were doing etc, polite pleasantries and a friendly vibe I guess... there was none of that. I wonder if it's perhaps because in asking that people often respond by breaking down? So in being very matter of fact there was less likely to have people cry (more) etc? I don't know. I just felt it very abrupt- come in, answer my questions, sign the form, get out.

I understand the exhaustion. I felt (and feel) the same. I have found the admin never ending. We are still in the thick of it. It doesn't help as there are multiple instances of banks/financial services saying 'yes we'll do x and be in touch' and then not, and having to chase them up. It is made extra complicated as they had recently bought a retirement home abroad so we have to deal with that too, which is like walking through treacle and we are barely started.

The only thing to note with 'tell us once' is it doesn't cover all providers. It does the main banks etc, but my dad had various savings accounts with other companies that weren't on the list so needed to be contacted individually and then they need all the documentation and have their own forms to fill in too. So it is worth double checking. You will get given a code at the registration to activate the tell us once service, the registrar should be able to give you the details.

@DobbyTheHouseElk That's interesting you found cruse helpful. After my conversation with the GP he sent me a link to their website and said I should call them. But I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know I am fairly likely to just burst into tears as soon as they answer the phone and just feel foolish.

Like you I am also finding that my mum is snappy on occasion. It's really difficult. Logically you know why, but it is hard to deal with and be on the receiving end.

@CompletelyLost24

It’s called reablement. This will guve you some more info: Sorry, stupid sized link!
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/care-services-equipment-and-care-homes/care-and-support-you-can-get-for-free/#:~:text=Help%20after%20you%20come%20home,independent%20as%20you%20were%20before.

That’s good your DM is going in for respite care afterwards for 2 weeks. It will hopefully give you a small bit of breathing space rather than her staying with you as you say. My DM had major surgery a few weeks before my DF fell ill and is still recovering from that I am with you in thinking how much it is to juggle when you have the kids, work and your own family life to juggle as well.

DH is thankfully off work this week so is helping with funeral planning here. He usually has to travel for work though so I am dreading that starting again next week but needs must. I suppose the routine of the school run etc will be good for me in some ways.

Thank you for the info re tell us once, I’ll make a list of what else to cover so that is helpful to know.

That sounds very complicated with your parents’ retirement home abroad and various bank accounts. It is a lot to untangle. I haven’t even begun to get my head around handling all of that yet.

This is so valid. I had some counselling last year which helped with getting me head around the fact I couldn’t solve all of her problems and actually reading this is a very good reminder that we can’t really manage anyone else’s emotions but our own.

Thank you all.

I am in this. Mum died 3 weeks ago and the funeral is this week. I know my dad needs company but I'm finding it so hard to process my own grief when his is so overwhelming. I'm sorry for your loss and all others on this thread.

@TheSilkWorm I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope the funeral goes as well as these things can and you have some space to process and grieve. Please feel free to come and vent away or just chat when in need of company on this awful journey.

@CompletelyLost24
. After my conversation with the GP he sent me a link to their website and said I should call them. But I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know I am fairly likely to just burst into tears as soon as they answer the phone and just feel foolish.

I had grief counselling and like you wasn't really sure about it but it does really help. Part of it is that you are talking to a person specialised in grief so they aren't shying away from it (as friends can do) and they have seen it all before. All grief is different but whatever strange things you think you are doing in your grief, some one else somewhere will be doing the same thing.

I was told that it isn't recommended until 6 months after the death because you need to be in a space to be able to talk about it. Crying during grief counselling is fine and to be expected. We all cry when grieving and bereaved but it you can't even talk about it all because of tears then it maybe too soon.

Bear in mind that many Cruse and bereavement counselling that is free are heavily over subscribed so there is usually a waiting list. Contact them now and get your name put down as it may be a couple of months before you get to the top of the list - by which time you will be ready.

@CompletelyLost24
I really would recommend CRUSE. I rang them on a really bad day, I’d been planning to call them and was worried about crying too. When they answered the call I burst into tears because the woman sounded so kind, she said don’t worry I’m here, don’t rush, I am not going to leave you. I spoke for an hour and mostly crying, sniffing and everything. I felt so much better for ringing them. They do listen, but also give great advice and support. Whenever I’ve spoke to them they are lovely older sounding women.

I’m on the waiting list for their support/counselling sessions. They are very friendly, kind and supportive people.

How are the rest of you getting on if navigating this at the moment?

We have been trying to plan the funeral this week. I thought we had most of it sorted but now we’ve been told the content will be too long for the crematorium booking. It’s taken hours to get to this point and I really don’t want to rehash it all again. Having to wait 3 weeks for a funeral gives far too much time for going over and over the same things again.

@Earlydarkdays is there any scope for being two crematorium slots? This was offered to us, if we didn’t want to feel rushed. Each slot was 45 min but that included people coming in and leaving, so really it gave about 35 min or so.

We couldn’t get two back to back slots because we had ten days to organise the funeral (which was a stress in and of itself), due to the clusterfuck caused by delays by the GP sending medical records to the coroner causing significant delays to the post mortem. We had family needing to come from far flung places and had booked flights for the week that we’d hoped the funeral would be (as it was summer holidays they were worried they’d be sold out as well as astronomical in terms of cost). In the end the funeral was about s month after the death.

But could it be an option for you?

Otherwise, the way we worked it out was to time each section and work out each bit was x min and we had y time left, and work it that way.

@CompletelyLost24, they offered us two slots when we first booked the funeral but because they are an hour, we thought we’d be fine but we have now been told it is actually 40 mins and the service can only be about 25 mins. I phoned the funeral director this morning to see if we could book another one on top of what we had booked, but it’s already been booked for another service so we need to shorten stuff.

That must have been such a wait for you with it being a month after the funeral. Sorry you had to deal with all of that! It’s hard when you have people from far away coming to liaise with as well. My parents spent most of their lives outside the UK so we have a lot of family and friends who want to attend who don’t live here but have thankfully managed to just get them to do it online. One good thing that has come from Covid I suppose!

Thank you for the ideas of working through each section and timing. That’s a good idea. I’m going to try and write that down today to work it out.

@Earlydarkdays if the content is a little too long, could you include some of it written in the order of service?
We had a poem which mum loved, and asked to be shared at her funeral, but rather than have someone read it out, I designed it into the order of service (we had a celebrant, I wrote mum's eulogy and my uncle, cousin and my sons wrote and read their own tributes.)
That way, people could read it and also take it away with them as a way to remember mum.
I ended up designing an 8 page order of service, filling in any extra space with photos.

@Earlydarkdays It was really awful to be honest, as the coroner was lovely and we’re really helpful (and disgusted with the GPs behaviour). He died on the Saturday, so we had to call the corner Monday morning and they said they’d contacted the GP but they couldn’t do anything till they got back to them, but it normally took 24 hours so don’t worry. The coroner contacted the GP at 945 Monday and again on Wednesday morning. I had to wait on hold for almost an hour Wednesday lunchtime to have the GP receptionist tell me they hadn’t received the details and the coroner was ‘lying’ about sending it (which was bollocks, they’d cced me in on the second request and forwarded the first. They denied they’d had it until we turned up at the surgery and refused to leave until they’d found it. Magically it reappeared but by this time it was too late so the coroner didn’t receive they response till Thursday morning. They were in touch Friday to say they needed a PM but there was nothing available in the coming week so it would be the week after that. Obviously that meant nothing else could move forward, no death certificate or being able to book the funeral until the results from the PM we’re done.

Good idea from @MargaritaPracticallyCan about written things in the OOS if you can’t fit them in as a reading.

I would also suggest you practice reading it over and over. I did the eulogy and the first few times couldn’t get through it (and so it took a lot longer). With a lot of practice, on the day it meant I only wobbled at the very end and finished with a few seconds to spare.

Yes, we had a lot of people viewing the livestream who couldn’t make it.