I don't know how to accept my parents are getting older and neither do they

[Dogmam9273]

My parents are both approaching 80.

I'm 40. I have been hit by a huge fear and terror that probably in the next ten years I am going to lose one if not both of them. It doesn't seem real that this could happen when they are such a strong presence in my life.
How do people cope with this? My dad is much the same as he's always been physically, mentally and the way he looks. He goes to the the pub to socialise with friends twice a week, has just brought a brand new bmw, likes to go out somewhere every day, hates
sitting around doing nothing.
But my mum is starting to age and I can see that she will soon be a frail old lady like my nana was. It breaks my heart.
She's got arthritis and is struggling now with her mobility, she tries so hard to still do everything as normal but I can see she is in pain.my dad gets moody if they dont go out so she tries to carry on as normal for him. She has always done absolutely everything in the house and garden, my dad does nothing. But i can just tell shes knackered. She also doesn't seem the same mentally. She's always been a strong woman who's cared for a lot of family members. She is now very quiet, extremely anxious , worries about everything and gets emotional easily. That is not the mum I knew.
My teenage kids are noticing the same and it makes them sad as she was always such an involved grandparent.
How do I support them in their final stage of life , when none of us seem to be able to accept what's happening? I have chatted to my dad about it and he denies there's any issue with my mum and that there's nothing wrong with her , he's in completely denial.
And for himself at the moment he's alright but won't accept he's ageing and will talk about the future as if he has another 50 years to live such as taking out mortgages, a brand new car , signing a 10 year lease on a caravan when he will be 90 then. Why do we have to age?

Your dad sounds a selfish git. If he's got money to splash on a new BMW he should be prepared to shell out for a cleaner, gardener etc at least. Sounds like he's treated your poor mother like a maid of all work for years.

In my experience, men are actually the ones who deteriorate fastest in their 80s, he may be in for unpleasant shocks when his own health starts to fail, especially if he's drinking etc.

You could look into Attendance Allowance for your mum if you haven't done so already, it would enable her to pay for a bit of help round the house which he clearly isn't assisting with. And I'd also recommend you get enduring POA drawn up now for both of them while they are both of sound mind, though from the description of your dad, that won't be easy.

Make sure they have POAs set up.
Suggest things but let them go at their own pace.

What do you do? You tell your dad he's a selfish shit and to start doing more than his share of the work or he'll be a widower soon.

Fgs, don't let your mum run herself into the ground doing everything.

Your parents should use some money to pay for a cleaner. Your dad should listen to your mum and do what she'd like to do, not sulk like a brat if she doesn't want to go out.

Jesus. Your poor mum.

I absolutely dread the time if my mum gets really bad because I know with absolute certainty that he won't look after her properly and he will not pay for a carer , cleaner etc.
He is extremely mean with money but will pay for things for himself.i know without me she will suffer greatly. (I'm an only child)
I've mentioned about the money and POA etc before and he has flatly refused to talk to me about it. He has advised and helped many others in that area but because of his complete denial of his own mortality he will not allow me to do anything

Your poor mother. Why is he not helping her? This might be where you start, by advocating for her.

It's hard to shift the parent/child dynamic as an adult, but the sooner you start, the better. You need to aim for a conversation amongst equals, that takes time.

Have they got their legals sorted? PoAs, Wills etc? Are their affairs in order? You need to avoid a reactive situation where something catastrophic happens and you have to pick up the pieces. AgeUK has a lot of resources available, maybe start there.

Your could try to engage with your mother and arrange POA for her in your name. Selfish Dad does not need to be involved with it. This would be a start.

I'll have a look into POA for mum.

Regarding the conversion as equals , that's where the difficulty lies. He has always felt like he is the most important person in the world. It's his way or no way. His opinion on everything is always right. He knows best. My mother just shuts up and goes along with it.
I've always pushed back.left home at 21 as couldn't put up with it anymore.
He has tried to dictate to my husband and I throughout our lives , tries to control our finances

Maybe this isn't her aging, maybe this is her physiology responding to being married to a lazy oik most her life?!

Sounds to me that the burden of your father has finally caught up with her.

It is hard. I am retired and a number of recent health scares have suddenly forced me to contemplate my mortality. It is tough. I am happy for my life to end as and when, but the limitations caused by health problems are deeply unappealing.

Your Dad can bury his head in the sand to his heart's content, but he does not have the right to dictate about your Mum. If she needs help, she needs help. It could be him who has the heart attack or stroke tomorrow and is need of help. I doubt he even thinks about that.

TBH, I do not know what you can do. It sounds as though selfish piggery is his modus operandi and has been for 80 years - the chances of changing that are vanishingly small. All you can do is support your Mum in every way you can. If this spills over into frank abuse, she can be referred to SSD for help as a Vulnerable Adult.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

Aspects of his behaviour sound coercive; financial abuse is a recognised thing. Maybe speak to Women's Aid OP, they might be able to suggest something. He is deeply unreasonable and not just old age to blame either, sounds like he's always been a controlling nightmare.

What does your mum want?
Does she have money of her own?

This.

I feel so sorry for your mum - it's very easy to do anything for a quiet life with men like this and then realise you've got to 70 and your options to getting out of it aren't easy ones and you are stuck with a lot of time spent with a belligerent unhelpful arse , albeit one you may still care about.

I would take your mum out for a day somewhere nice and just have a chat, say your piece about what you are noticing and ask if some help at home would be welcome as you aren't liking what you are seeing.