Does anyone have experience of moving an elderly parent with high care needs to a different part of the country?

[Whiskeyandkittens]

PILs currently live 70 miles away from us, MIL has advanced Parkinsons and we finally managed to get her into a nursing home as FIL was struggling to cope.

FIL has a history of mental health issues which improved significantly when MIL went into the home, however recently he's had a couple of physical issues too - pneumonia and a water infection, resulting in two hospital stays which seem to have exacerbated his mental health issues again. He was discharged from the hospital most recently with hardly any care package in place( he lives in a 3 storey house by himself and has no idea how to do even basic cooking as MIL used to do it all) and spiralled very quickly - we managed to get him a place in a different local care home to MIL so he can recover properly and thankfully he now seems to be in a better place again!
He is there for another week then the plan is for him to return home with a better care package than before, but it really isn't ideal as he just can't cope with the size of the house.

Ideally we would like FIL to move closer to us - in some form of supported living due to his physical and mental issues, but closer to us so there's someone on hand to get there quickly in times of crisis like there has been recently, and also hopefully with him having us nearby it will give him a bit of a boost.

We are going down there for a meeting on Tuesday with his social worker and care manager, and having never been in this position before we just have no idea how it works or what to expect.

Is it easy to transfer care between areas or is it going to be a pain in the arse?

Any previous experience very welcome!

Mmmmm. I'm writing this clearly as someone who has read a couple of paragraphs about your life and doesnt know the detail. But I just wonder. If he spiralled downhill that fast, is he really someone who still needs more care...?

Just reading your post I am seeing that he had multiple health crises both mental and physical while living alone. I wonder if the house is a bit of a red herring and the reason he's doing better in the nursing home is because he needs that level of care? Or possibly a step down to a residential home - but I do think actual nursing care where someone gets their medication regularly and frequent meals/snacks with no home care tasks to worry about may be better now?

You’ve not mentioned what your FIL thinks about this? I assume he has been asked?

It can be done, it would be helpful if you go to the meeting armed with some potential
locations that your FIL could move to. If he won’t be self funding, take information about the fees too. If he needs a social
worker in the new area that could delay things. Around us it can take months even for a social worker to be allocated, before anything more can happen.

How involved is he in his current community? Moving him away from friends, clubs, familiar shops, libraries etc could be detrimental but like a pp said, why do you think he’s improved so much in the care home? Is it the company and stimulation, regular meals and medication, less anxiety? It may be that supported living doesn’t offer enough of what’s helped him in the current care home.

There’s lots to unpick here

I had this with my grandma and it was complicated by grandma not having a clue what was going on. She was confused most of the time, thinking I was my dead aunt, etc. was unsettled by the thought of moving and saying she didn’t want to go and the social worker sitting there saying if she doesn’t want to go then she isn’t going. 🤷‍♀️. So we had to wait for a 90yo woman who had no idea about anything to say she’d move. And the social worker made me feel like I was some sort of granny stealing woman who wanted her closer to me for nefarious purposes .

How much support does he get to look after his home? Is he receiving Attendance Allowance and does he have a gardener and cleaner to help him to look after his home, and keep an eye on him?

Will the new care package be 4 visits a day to give medication, food and a drink? Does he get his medication delivered and in a Dosset Box?

Would an alternative be for you to move to live near your PILs? That way the both stay in a familiar area and your FIL can still go to familiar places and meet friends.

What is the plan for your MIl?? Will she stay there alone?
I’m sure what you’re suggesting is very common. Have you looked around for where he might go?
Is he on board cos that could be you biggest sticking point.

Thanks for replies and sorry for the delay in getting back!

@PermanentTemporary I think you may well be right that he does need that level of care now, social services are very difficult to persuade though. His current placement is fully funded however he could afford to self fund - money is a bit of a sticking point with him though! We think FIL himself could be persuaded to move closer. I personally think a nursing home may be the best option however DH would prefer some sort of warden assisted flat or bungalow with carers.
DH has power of attorney, however currently FIL has capacity so it is his decision at the end of the day.

The new care package would be 4 visits a day yes, and honestly I am not entirely sure what they did when he had this in place after being discharged from hospital. His regular carer who he knows provides one of these visits and on the two occasions she came after the new ones they had not sorted out any meals for him.

He would outright refuse to pay for a gardener or cleaner.

DH is arranging meals on wheels and other support aside from the care visits for when his respite placement is up as there will likely be a gap between that and us being able to move him closer.

The situation with MIL is a difficult one. To summarise- she has always had a high level of control over FIL even when she was unable to move from her chair. At one point before she went into the nursing home FIL was spending his whole day standing by her chair waiting for her to tell him what to do. DH also has two sisters who are NC with both parents and not involved at all. DH would take FIL to visit MIL regularly however him being in the same place as her would be very detrimental to his mental health.

@OldJohn us moving closer to them is not an option.

@Muchtoomuchtodo he is not currently involved in any clubs or hobbies, if there is no-one to sort of chivvy him along a bit he would just not bother to go to anything, although if he can actually be persuaded out of the house he always enjoys himself. This is one of the many reasons DH wants him to be closer so we can facilitate this - get him a bit of a social life, help him to rediscover his hobbies etc

I know of an absolutely fantastic place through my work (tbh I would happily move in there myself) and I find it's categorised as 'extra care housing'. Have a look at your local council website for things in that category. It's not a residential home BUT it will have 24 hour on site support in some form.

There's a major problem though if he won't spend any money. There isn't such a thing as a cheap option at this stage imo. And if his priority is to be in his own place even if life is miserable, isolated and punctuated by emergency hospital admissions, there may not be much you can do.

Yes, with a family member who moved from north wales to the midlands. Completely with their consent. Things had to change, they acknowledged that. It was the best thing that could have happened. As per their wishes, they were buried in north wales.

In a turn up for the books FIL has decided he likes the care home where he is now and wants to stay there! Not quite sure if that will change when he finds out he has to pay for it in a week, but I think it's positive at least!

Great news!