Can't cope with mother's decisions

[brookby]

Hi all, I have found this board so insightful recently and would really appreciate some feedback on my current situation.
My dad has undiagnosed dementia - undiagnosed because my mum is scared he will lose his driving license so won't get him help. Well, someone reported him to the dvla, the gp did a report and now he has lost his license on account of his heart which is a separate long term condition, good in my opinion.
The problem is that she won't accept any of this and is becoming more erratic in her denial. I feel like I am expected to help her as the dutiful daughter but I disagree with everything that she says or does and she won't listen to reason (Dad is still driving btw, they are on holiday right now so I can't take the keys away - I have told my aunt who is with them and she is stepping in to stop Mum - Dad isn't even lucid enough to understand in my opinion, Mum is pulling all the strings).
Mum always has to be right, even when everyone is telling her that she is wrong. She complains to me about how hard it is and how depressed she is but won't do anything to help herself, won't accept advice and is now even knowingly breaking the law to suit herself but making excuses (as she doesn't drive).
I'm torn between leaving her to deal with her own mess as she won't listen anyway and the guilt of abandoning her when she most needs help. Do I leave her to sink on her own or just bang my head against the wall and hope she will eventually listen (which is destroying me)? I have a teen with MH issues who is under CAMHS to look after right now so I my capacity is already limited.

Can you write her a letter? She’ll know how you feel, will probably re-read and some of it may eventually sink in.
In the meantime, personally I’d keep my distance.

@MrsSkylerWhite thank you for your response, that's actually reminded me that she wrote letters in the past of that nature to other family members so it could be a good way forward.

@brookby feel for you. We had a similar start to our parents journey into this difficult part of life. My reflection is that we got far too involved and now it’s hard to extricate ourselves from. We, three adult siblings are bickering about what to do. Our Dad is settled in a good home. Our mother is impossible. If I had my time again I’d step right back and let the crisis happen. My mother does and always has known better than everyone combined with her controlling behaviour she buried her head in the sand rather than accepting they needed help. We are now in a complete mess with her. The only good thing is Dad is well cared for where he is. You’ll get some good advice on here - please consider yourself first. It will not be an easy path but enabling her is just putting a band aid over a serious problem.

Did they go on holiday knowing his license had been revoked ( and therefore insurance invalid), or has it happened while they were away?
Do you think your mum might also have some cognitive issues?

I think you need to intervene forcefully. Tell them you need a meeting, invite siblings and the aunt, and make it clear the car must go, take it and sell it for them if you can. At the same time research a local taxi firm for them and make sure they have the number.

@BlueLegume thank you and I'm sorry you've experienced similar. My gut feeling is to pull away as you say but the guilt makes it very hard.

@brookby https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt
brilliant website. It won’t fix anything but it’ll help you navigate with proper language that will teach you guilt is an emotion you may ‘feel’ but you are not guilty. Better to have a bit of guilt than burning resentment.

@Poffy no this happened while they were away, I have POA and opened the letter at their request. When I told Mum she was giving off vibes of not listening and at the same time saying that they will be housebound and their lives are over - very, very far from the truth, they have excellent free transport links and could afford cabs if she didn't spoof their money on rubbish. This is why I told my aunt and I have no doubt that she will not allow him to drive, she is as disgusted as I am with my mum.
I just don't know what to do when they get back. Will confiscate the car keys here at home but there is a bigger battle to be had.

The shit sandwich technique might help. Mixed with a bit of spin!

Mum, you do so much for Dad. It must be so difficult for you.
(Pause for half an hour while she confirms this. At length).

I know it's hard that you don't drive, but I could never forgive myself if you or some innocent child came to harm (insert reference to recent case where a driver with a similar age related issue killed someone, there are usually a few cases a year).
And Mum, the insurance claim would bankrupt you!

Then move to, I've set up an account with a taxi firm that (someone she might respect) recommended, and you'll save thousands a year (tell her how much the car costs all in).

And pray!!

Thank you, I will have a good read

I feel for everyone in this situation. What plan has been put in place to make sure that your parents can still get about and not become isolated, even if your Dad can no longer drive? This is what scares so many proud old people and makes them stubborn. If they saw it laid out and understood that they wouldn’t be forced to give up what they enjoy and need, they may become more receptive.
My sympathies - this is hard to navigate.

Thank you, this is what I tried but all I got was 'life is over' in return.
The car is on motability so costs them nothing but petrol unfortunately.

No plan in place which is what's so frustrating, she is absolutely head in the sand carrying on as if they are in their 50s still (they are 70s and 80s). They have excellent transport links and family that is willing to drive them but any suggestion of that gets met with pure pig headed 'that won’t work for us'.

Oh and she keeps saying that he is a perfectly safe driver which he absolutely not, she is totally delusional!

You can’t do anything while they are away, but once back I’d report to the police if you know he is driving with no licence. Your mum is an adult and needs to take responsibility like an adult

Just to say, thank you to everyone for taking the time to reply. All your replies are very helpful and I feel a lot better already that I'm not just a selfish daughter! She actually is behaving badly right now.

@brookby familiar with the “that won’t work for us/me” or in response to a very sensible option- that helps everyone “I/we don’t want that”. No regard that we have anything going on in our lives. If I do anything it is to try and prevent you getting in the pickle we are in.

This was exactly how my sister and I approached it with mum who while no suffering any cognitive decline was frail and prone to passing out. The emphasis on how she would never forgive herself if she hurt someone in an accident.
I signed her up with an account at a taxi firm where they would use a female driver for her. She got a mobility scooter which was great for popping to the shops.
years later she still complained that she was a perfectly good driver and had given up driving far too soon.

If there is family willing to drive them I would start with some definate plans. X will come on Wednesday and take you to y.

Let motability know that your dad's driving licence has been revoked and the will arrange to collect the car. He will then have an extra £350 per month that they can use for taxis

If they are on holiday in this country I would report to the police immediately, he is breaking the law by driving while disqualified and uninsured, that it still the case even though your DM is the one pushing for him to continue driving.

Is anyone able to collect them and bring them home?

Can they travel back from your Aunt's on public transport? I would notify Motability and they will take the car back. https://www.motability.co.uk/get-support/faqs/what-if-my-driver-cannot-drive/

Once the car has gone, it should be a lot easier to work out a routine to cope without it. You can only do so much, present ways for her to cope, it's up to her whether she takes it on board. Do they get AA, as that will help towards transport? Find a local car and driver service you can open an account with to ferry them around. That way she won't have to deal with payments or the cost of it.

You do need to put yourself first, it's the 'put your oxygen mask on first before helping others' analogy when looking after elderly parents.

Re the driving, I would take severe action. I would tell DM that if DF ever drives again, even once, I will personally report him to the police immediately. I would mention the recent case of the toddler mown down and killed on the pavement in Edinburgh by an elderly driver who should not have been driving.

On the general situation I would probably also take a step back. I'd say I'd be there when they were ready to discuss options and that I always loved them, but there was nothing I could do to help until they actually wanted constructive help.

This is not something you can ignore or wait until they return from holiday to address. If he is still driving then you need to contact the local police near to where they are staying and arrange for them to visit him.
How would you feel knowing this if he caused an accident either whilst away on on the way home and you had done nothing? Think about the recent accident on M6 where an accident took the lives of virtually a whole family with only a young son as sole survivor.
Take action now before it's too late.

A very long time ago now my Mum was threatening to drive car when we deemed was nolonger able to. My sister said to her if you go out the the car with me and can perform an emergency stop in the required time then fine. She refused. A few days later she went to go in the car, I was still living at home and just in my late teens. I told her if she got in the car I would call the police. It was awful situation but I meant it. She didn’t return her license, or ask for a medical assessment, just never drove again.

Been there

ring your non emergency police to get in touch with there local pcso explain about the driving

tbh from experience it get to crisis point before anything he sorted

Thank you for all of your replies but I must reiterate that my aunt and I have taken care of the driving, the problem is getting my mum to see the severity of the situation or stepping away.