Feel so guilty....

[parababe]

This is really just a way for me the get off my chest how I'm feeling.... Not really expecting any advice as I'm not sure there really is anything that would make a difference to how I'm feeling....
Mum is 88, I am the youngest of 6 and Father died suddenly when i was 2 (50 years ago), so never really known anything other than Mum. She has been, and is, a great Mum. Has had her own issues: strict catholic upbringing, not very sociable, difficult to have a discussion with as doesn't really 'talk'. But I love her to bits and especially with me being the youngest, I feel that she put her life on hold to raise me and my siblings. We had no money, but she gave/did the best she could. My Dad invested well before he died and Mum has kept those investments going (more by chance that purposefully) so is actually a pretty wealth lady now, by all accounts. But she still lives life like she has no money, and is very careful with spending.
She has always been extremely independent and there was never any other men in my/our life apart from a couple of acquaintances who were lovely from what I remember, but she never wanted to remarry and is therefore alone at 88, still in the family home.
More recently she has become unwell. Nothing that the doctors can specify, but a pretty severe decline in her health, both physically and mentally. I am really struggling. I have a professional job and have always been able to 'cope' with most things. Am practical and am able to take on a lot of pressure which I have always dealt with well. (I am single and happy being so, and never wanted my own children)
I'm not coping with this. I am constantly thinking about her and how she is, is she OK, as I know that she feels alone and lonely - She is depressed and lonely. I feel so sad for her. But I know she sometimes is her own worst enemy.
She cant do any of the things she used to do, gardening, driving, getting out and about, even as recently as a few months ago. She wont have any help in the house, I do that for her and my Sisters also help a bit. But it has become clear to me that they don't think about Mum the way that I do.
I just seem to be consumed by feeling that as she (in my eyes) gave up her life in order to bring us (but mainly me as the youngest) up, I feel a level of responsibility to her now that I am struggling to cope with.
It starting to affect my work - I am considering moving back in with her, even through I know this will not do my MH any good at all and will mean I have to given up work to a certain extent. I just feel so sad all the time and I worry about her constantly.
I know there is no easy answer, My Sisters say that she would be better to move to a care home as she would have company etc. But i know that she would hate that and I would feel so much guilt that we did that.
Does anyone else feel this level of responsibility for their parent....? Sometimes I feel like its just me and I need to think about it differently and look after myself first, but I find that so hard to do.
Anyway, If you have got to the end of this, thank you. Its a little cathartic just writing it down as I would never say any of the above to my siblings or Mum (siblings wouldn't understand) and would never want Mum to know that her situation is making me feel like this as I feel that would make her feel worse than she already does!
If anyone does have any advice, similar situations or even just a ' I know how you feel' I think that would be good to hear.
Thanks for reading xx

I know how you feel . Our Mum brought us up after our Dad left and my DB and me have always been close and protective towards her. DB and I have done everything we can think of to help and support her as her dementia symptoms set in . We have tried to make her life as happy as possible yet after four years we’ve had to give in and she’s recently gone into residential care. It’s really really hard to care for someone with dementia. If it had just been me I think I would have given uo work and moved to look after her ( I live a three hour journey away) which in hindsight would have probably given me a nervous breakdown and resentment. Thankfully DB and my husband kept insisting I couldn’t give uo my life and our Mum before dementia would never have wanted that. If I imagine her as she was I can actually hear her shouting at me telling me not to . but I still get the huge urge just to drop everything and go like you are feeling. Every time she sounds a little down on the phone etc. I know I absolutely wouldn’t be able to cope though. So we’ve found her the kindest most homely carehome possible Thankfully she can afford to self fund. We’re doing our best , i still feel terrible guilt but at the end of the day I can hear my mothers voice telling me I have my life to live .

My Dad has just gone in to a care home on discharge from hospital while we assess what happens next.
I totally get the all consuming thoughts of it. I get angry when I can't get health professionals, my sibling, or even my mother to see how cruel the whole system is for him. I just can't get it out of my mind.

You are not alone.

I think you will find this in most families. Caring for an elderly person is not deemed necessary by all members and they do push for nursing home option. The one who ends up most invested is because they are able and willing to do so. No easy solution to this . Even your mother wouldn't want you to move and sacrifice your job , etc. but perhaps weekends ? Ideally with 5 siblings each could spend a Sunday once a month with her . At 88 her time is precious.

Weekends or even whole weeks using holiday leave and working from home are easily managed but what happens when the person can no longer be left alone at all ? For their own safety or because they are lonely or nervous at night or not taking daily medication as they should and no longer even able to heat up a ready prepared meal. Sometimes full time care is the only option.

@Soonenough sometimes the desire to care for a relative at home is taken out of your hands -for example a deprivation of liberty (DoLs) is put in place. Often families have just gone along with hospitalisations not really thinking about the next step. If it takes a team of health care professionals to support a person then unqualified family members even with outside help will probably struggle. Exhausted family are not necessarily about pushing loved ones into nursing or care facilities it’s just simply the only option.

@BlueLegume @Flowerydresses I am not against the care home facility at all. The OP didn't indicate that her mother needed that yet .

I completely hear you and am going through the exact same situation at the moment.
As an only child living overseas I am throwing all sorts of scenarios around about what I am
going to do.
Just today my mum has had a funny turn and is sat on a trolley in A&E waiting for a bed. I rely massively on her friends and neighbours but I know they are getting to the end of their goodwill and I will have to make some decisions. She has no money and doesn’t own her home.
I just don’t know what to do
I totally understand 💐

Thank you all. I am feeling a little less overwhelmed today.
What slightly complicates this is that I am medical, and don't feel she is getting the care she should be getting from her GP surgery (Surprise!) I feel I would given her better care, both personal and medical, if I just did it myself.
I think we may have moved forward in that she has agreed to have some respite care in a local home for a week/fortnight which I think may help. I think a permanent move to a care home would not be good for her - She has all her faculties, just about, and loves her home (she has lived there for 60 plus years) and I think the change of moving and the escalation of depression would be too much. If I'm honest, I would rather move back home with her and care for her rather than moving her to a care home. unless she really likes it there and wants to go, but I feel that's unlikely.
I am considering counselling for myself to try and alleviate the guilty feeling, as I know if she thought I was feeling like this, she would be devastated,
Just a bit of a 'no win' at the moment.
But I keep plodding on - Life has its ups and downs and maybe this is just one of those times where I need to just keep doing what I'm doing and hope for the best.
It helps just knowing I am not the only one that feels like I do.
Thank you all for responding! xx

I hope your Mum is OK Youvebeenframed xx

I know how you feel.

Dad (81)cares for mum (78) plus she has 4 x daily visits from carers. Dad in hospital atm and I've had to ask SS to step in and arrange a 2 week care home stint for mum. When Dad was taken into hospital, I dropped everything and stayed with mum for 6 days before SS got funding sorted. (That was extremely traumatic!)

I am heart broken that I've done this to my mum but she is disabled and hoisted from bed to wheelchair to sofa and back again, doubly incontinent, type 1 diabetic and has early signs of dementia (telling me when she gets home she can get about and get meals for dad and look after him 😔). She absolutely hated the idea of a carehome and tells me she needs to come home when I speak with her. I cry every day because I feel like I've let her down.

Dad seems 'meh' about mum being in a care home despite knowing she has always said she wouldn't go into one but I guess he's feeling crap about himself and doesn't want to think about the responsibility he faces when she's back home after the respite.

She's been a good mum to me (apart from bad emotional blackmail over the years! I.e. I've had the 'well, I'd have done it for MY mum if I had to...' 😑) I feel like you do, immense guilt but she knows I can't give up my life to live with her/them as I'm married, have 2 kids and a job! She said over the last few days 'you must go back home tonight/you must go to work tmrw; ill cope on my own..' but she attempts to get out of bed or get up from the sofa etc so she can't be left alone, hence the care home.

So I know that the decision I insisted on was the right one for my mums safety but it's extremely hard on an emotional and mental basis for me. I've also just had counselling to deal with all this guilt feeling I have before this all kicked off so I feel really really shit right now.

To top it off, dad coming out of hospital tmrw so mum thinks it's fine for her to go home!!! Gah!!!!

I think counselling might be very useful for you op.

From what you have written, there are some things that I'm wondering ( of course only you can say if it is true or not).

The natural course of things as children grow up is for them to individuate from their parents. They gradually separate from the merged relationship of early childhood into autonomous independent individuals. That is why toddlers have tantrums and a lot of teenagers go through a phase of thinking their parents are stupid and being awful to them! It is a way of working out that individuation.

Now, you have obviously developed a separate successful life from your mum, but I am wondering if there is some part of you that hasn't fully individuated. You were the youngest and your mother was widowed when you were small. She (subconsciously) may have "needed" to keep a part of you young and very attached to her.

Your mum is doing what many elderly people do in not accepting any help except from her children. I wonder if this is because they don't want to have to face the issues of growing old and only having family help, enables them to "pretend" things are better than they are.

She is not doing you any favours though in refusing other help and there may be a "pull" from her to try and make you responsible for all her needs. I don't think you can do it though I wonder if she has set up that expectation ( subconsciously again?).

You talk about an overwhelming feeling that she "gave up so much for you" and of course parents make all sorts of sacrifices for their children. I wonder though where the strength of this narrative comes from. Do you think it might have been a sentiment you heard al lot from her ( verbally or implied) while you were growing up.

If any of this resonates, it might be worth talking it over in counselling

i do know what this is like - the non-stop thinking about her and her needs, more or less 24/7. I spent extended times with my DM in her home when she needed care, but could not have moved in permanently because of DH, who was amazingly patient about me disappearing regularly. So, my sympathy. As you have siblings, could you call them together and spell out that your DM needs help and what will they do to step up? The trouble is that one or more of them won't want to be as heavily involved as you, and will suggest either care home, or you give up your home and life and move in with her - job done then for them!
A hybrid solution would be to find a really good care company that you can rely on to make visits for meals and other care at home, and you and your Dsis's spend some time there but not all your time. We are lucky to have such a fantastic, but expensive, care company looking after my FIL. As your DM can afford it, this would work, but her getting used to the idea is a hurdle. Good luck OP.

Thank you for your response. Honestly, Mum has encouraged me throughout the years to have an independent life. I just think now that she is in the situation she is in, she has reverted to almost child like thinking and would absolutely love it if I were to move back home without really thinking of the impact that would have on me.
I do think counselling would help me to come to terms mentally with the situation, but would also maybe/hopefully take me away from the overwhelming need in me to be present for her and be her carer....
Very difficult. I am working through in my own head and am very determined that she will not go into a care home.
I realise that this will in some way restrict my life somewhat, however, I am happy being single, and happy in my own life. I wonder would it really be that much of an issue for me to move back home to care for her, when in reality, its not going to change much about my life, it will just mean I'm not as independent as I would like to be....
Feel like I'm rambling now.
I would give up my independence in a heartbeat in order for her to feel she hasn't been abandoned by us/me
Goodness, this thread has certainly been a help, even if that is just to know I am not alone in how I am approaching/thinking about this.
Thank you all once again for your input - It really does help hearing from all you wonderful unknowns on the internet.... I very much appreciate all your input.
Life is hard sometimes, but I will say I wish I that I will have someone thinking about me in the way I think about my Mum when I get old and decrepit! ;-)
Sadly with no kids of my own and the youngest of 6 siblings, I think ill be left to cope with it myself! But I think I'm strong enough to do that!!
Thank you again xx