I don’t think my DM knows who I am anymore.

[WhitneyBaby]

My DM has quite advanced Alzheimer’s and in a nursing home. I don’t think she knows who I am anymore, fortunately she still likes me. I am finding this harder than I expected. Please share your experiences and ways of dealing with this.

It is so, so hard to deal with, but its great she still likes you so there is a positive association in her mind with you. All I can advise is to just go with it, name yourself when you visit but judge whether calling her mum works or not (mine didn't like it) so a cheery 'Hello, its CMOT just popping in for a chat and a cuppa' can be better than 'Hello mum its me'.
Don't push her to identify anyone, or use questions which push for a memory, so if you were showing her photos then say something like 'here's Denise at the fair yesterday, she couldn't stop laughing' rather than 'theres your granddaughter' and even old photos can be upsetting if she feels she should know people.
Be kind to yourself, I remember clearly the first day mum didn't know my name and I sobbed and sobbed. But it got easier over time to cope with

CMOTDibbler
Thank you that’s very helpful, she said to me the other day that WhitneyBaby hasn’t visited in a while. I wasn’t sure whether to say I’m WhitneyBaby or to just go along with it and that she’s been busy and will visit soon.

I know how you feel, my Dad is the same, he only recognises my elder sister when she speaks (not by sight anymore) and my mum by sight about half the time.
It is heartbreaking, he can either be high as kite, singing and dancing around or extremely aggressive, there is not much in between now, nothing like his real self.
The way I comfort myself is that if he has forgotten me, it means he can’t miss me, which at first I struggled with, but ultimately I just want his last thoughts to be happy ones if possible.

My mum had no idea who I was for several years. She thought I was her late sister who she absolutely hated. My heart goes out to you .

Nightshiftlightweight

This is so sad, my DM knows my voice but struggles with her vision. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for your DM.

My mother forgot who I was but happily still liked me and would introduce me to staff and residents as *my friend" Maybe on some level she does still know you or at least know you are important in her life. Long, long after Mother had forgotten who I was another resident came over during a visit and tried to touch my handbag. Mother instantly said sharply "Don't touch that, thats "Lands" bag. She never did it again but somewhere in there she DID know me. Like CMOTDibbler we learned not to use names when looking at photos but could still show them to her. It is horrible for you but if you can get her laughing at something silly and she enjoys your visits she will feel happy long after you have left and that is good for her

If she said Whitneybaby hadn't been in a while I would just go with the 'I'm sure she'll be in soon, she's got a busy life but she never forgets you' sort of line. Nothing that could leave upset in her mind, and unless you are sure she knows how old you are, nothing too specific - if she has you as 15 in her minds eye, talk of your children could upset her

I hate to say it, but I’m afraid it was something of a relief to me when my mother stopped recognising me - at least she wasn’t fretfully demanding to be taken home any more. (Home had long been sold anyway.). Visiting had often been difficult for a long time. It actually happened quite suddenly - one week her eyes would light up when she saw me coming - the next they were blank - I was just a ‘nice lady’ who made her cups of tea and brought her chocolate.
Should add that the care home was a lovely one, a specialist for dementia, very cosy and homely, with lovely staff.

I did feel sorry for adult dd2 who went to visit her on her birthday, though, bearing flowers and chocolates. ‘Happy Birthday, Granny!’

All she got was a very grumpy, ‘I’m not your granny!’ 🙁

Dementia truly is awful. I know it's difficult but turn it on its head and be thankful that she is no longer suffering or longing.
I found it a mourning period until mine passed. I longed for the mum I had, until I decided to just go with it and I was whatever person matched that day, I let go alittle as much as I felt guilt I was doing her no favours reminding her of who I was and then both of us feeling the pain.
My mum died 4months after... 2days prior to death she called my daughter my name. I was in there somewhere and I'll forever be greatful that.

@WhitneyBaby Your DM might not know your name this week, but next month, albeit fleetingly, it might come back to her.

My DSis and I had DM in various care homes for nine years. When she went in at first she could not hold conversation and at best had a few words but there was a sense of conversation. For instance if you a produced a home made scone and she'd reach out and take a bite then say 'Disappointing', you knew she was still inside as we would all start laughing.
In the final three years, visits were difficult as we knew DM would not want to be there and to be truthful neither did we. At best there would be a word like NO or she'd indicate she was cold if we'd taken her outside to the garden or a gesture with her hands. However, maybe for about a minute every two or three months, DM would have 'golden time' where she did have a momentary sparkle and be semi-alert to one of us being there. It might be her grabbing our hand a kissing it and saying 'love you' or just breaking out into a huge beam of recognition for a few seconds. You just got a bigger reaction that you'd thought she was capable of producing. It was rare, but it did keep happening.
I remember in DM's last month DM was in the corridor in her wheel chair with a carer. I walked in and DM held my gaze and smiled enormously. The care home staff member burst into tears witnessing a transformation in DM that she had thought was long gone.
I promise, there are still some little golden moments ahead.
What you are experiencing is not easy but in a sense you are starting the grieving process. This might sound a bit crass but going forward for you, it's so much easier to process your own sadness in increments while you can still hold your DM's hand.

My DM didn’t know I was her daughter - she thought I was her Mum.
She kept asking what had she done so bad that I’d sent her to the workhouse.

It was absolutely heartbreaking.

Strangley though, she was never abusive to my brother and he was totally shocked when we coincided our visit one day and he saw how irrationally nasty she was to me.

My last visit to her before her very rapid decline - I took her new shoes and slippers and she pranced round the lounge telling everyone her daughter had treat her.
I took a photo of her and remember thinking this was a special photo as she knew me and was happy to see me.

She died just days later. 😢

@Borntobeamum Thank goodness for the shoes and your presence of mind to get a photo.