I don't want to go to care home

[Dementiadad]

I know, this is awful but I just can't face going to visit my dad.
I hate seeing him in the home, I hate the smell, the noise, everything. I feel so guilty that I have moved him in there, it was for his own safety but he has deteriorated so much. He doesn't always recognise me, sometimes he just tells me to go away.
I am so tired. Worn out from years of stress trying to manage him at his home with the help of carers. Worn out from the battle to get him into a home and now...
I need to sell his house to pay the care home fees, his money will run out around Easter time. He was a hoarder. I spend one day each weekend trying to clear it - I have done for 5 months and it still feels like I have a mountain to climb - I wish I could just hand the keys over to the council and be done with it.

I don't expect replies, I just needed to get it out somewhere where I wouldn't be judged.

OP I really feel for you.

I had years of this, first with my father then with my mother. I hated going. Both had dementia. As you say, the noise, the heat, the sense of decay. Awful.

Lockdown was a blessing as it relieved me of the obligation to go. When it was lifted I went once a fortnight for about half an hour. I often wondered why I bothered. As I know for absolute certainty my mother would not visit me at all if I were to become very ill. It would upset her too much, you see.

Other people visited but they understandably dropped away.

It's an absolute mother lode ( forgive the pun) of stress, and I think you are right about it re opening old wounds. Then there is the endless paperwork, the hospital appointments and visits, the arrangement of practicalities.... on and on and on. My mother was incredibly self centred and strange and we were never close. So there was simmering resentment in the mix also.

She died in January last year and the relief was immense. I think only now am I experiencing the true physical and emotional effects of it all.

Do go for a cup of coffee in the cockroach cafe in elderly parents. So much support, friendliness advice and understanding there. The cake is great, too. :)

@Tittat50 . I wrote my post before reading yours. I understand completely and am so sorry you went through that hospital experience in that way.

@Words ah bless you. I just read what you said. There is /was likely similar personality traits there with our mum's.

You sound another good soul like OP 💐

How I survived, and my relative wasn’t a parent and was only “delightfully dotty” rather than a full blown dementia sufferer, was to treat it like a job.
So - anything of value, get the local auction house to collect. Clearance firm in to remove everything else from the house, keys to estate agent and advertised for a realistic price so its sold quickly.
Visit the home twice a month so that you can check everything ticking along, this may well go on for years yet, so pace yourself, particularly if there are other people visiting.

Definitly take out the stuff you want to keep or sell. No much and then get in a company to sort it all out.

My PIL are hopefully far from this stage (hopefully) but I will certainly need to do this with there stuff.

It is indeed a very difficult time for you. I would put aside one day a week when you go to visit your dad in the home and speak to him about general things, the weather, food, what you have been up to. Spend time with him while he is alive as you will have memories to look back on. Can you take him for a walk around the grounds in a wheel chair? I think you will need to step up to that for yours and his sake. Get a company to clear the house and get it sold PDQ. You will look back and know that you have done the right thing by him, by you and keeping him safe is the most important word on the agenda. Good luck! I've been there and it is no easy feet. Be strong and take courage.

Hugs. You are almost at the end of a long and exhausting process so are already tired.
House, use his trade contacts as much as you can. Try to arrange a day when you and sister and other half can all be there for a few hours, one person does tip runs while the others bag stuff up. Split the stuff for charity shops between you and your sister so it doesn’t all fall on you. Then clearance company and cleaning company and estate agent.
Visiting, I sympathise so much, we established a pattern of visiting once a fortnight (reasonably long drive), arrived about forty minutes before lunch so there was a natural end to the visit and then tried to do something on the way home, coffee, lunch, shop, walk to get some of the images and feelings out the way before going home.

Mad cat woman (I am one too).

I think there is something about the reversal of roles when children become their parents' caters that is substantially difficult emotionally as well as practically. Especially if the relationship was dysfunctional to start with.

I am really pleased you worked through it so positively but for some of us from 'stately homes' families, it can be extremely challenging.

This may or may not apply to the OP but I wanted to just point that out for anyone reading this thread.

Excellent advice @eatreadsleeprepeat . That was my strategy also. There just happened to be an excellent farm shop next to the care home.I used to go in there after and blow loads of money on nice things to eat.

You’re burning out.
Step back, take some time off from visiting. You really don’t have to go several times a week if you’re feeling no benefit from it and neither is your Dad.

My DH went once a week, sometimes once a fortnight - it was enough to check in and make sure his Mum was being looked after. There was little if any social benefit to either of them.
Emptying the house contents in a way that’s reasonable and efficient is not deprivation of assets - you do not have to maximise every little thing.
This is a tough and emotionally wringing time of your life, so make sure it doesn’t take all of your energy and time.
Big hugs.

i barely drink , I’m embarrassed to admit that after a care home visit , is the one time I buy a drink to have on the train .

Re the house sale, why are you against the council putting a charge on it? They pay the bulk of the fees, charge a bit of interest and expect the balance to be repaid when either the owner dies or the fees exceed the value of the property. Even when the owner dies they won't expect a sale within a year.
About the contents, no one will consider the sale of antiques as deprivation of assets. Who will know?

That's great advice.

I hate going too - my DF is like a vegetable now and mostly sleeps through visits. When he was a bit more alert I'd try things like music but sometimes he'd get upset so it was impossible to know what to do.

The care home is about an hour away from where I live in the middle of nowhere (thanks DM!). I had a bad mental health episode a few months ago when I'd driven myself down and back and he seemed really distressed. So you're not alone. There's bugger all around the home too although I normally go an hour before lunch, although that's partly because of fitting it around school.

If your sister will do visits and not the clear out I'd focus on the clear out.

Is there anyone in your Dad's old professional circuit who could help identify any valued items, get them priced and removed at once?

Also, can you take a holiday and just get away for a bit?

Quite.
if the council are so keen to recover all his valuables towards his care they can come and clear it can't they.

Do you have financial deputyship or LPOA? You shouldn't actually be selling or disposing of anything (including the house) if you don't.

Local Authorities deal with this kind of situation all the time, it's really common. Often the house and its contents sit there until the person dies or deputyship has been obtained by the family.

If you have LPOA /deputyship already then you are taking the correct course of action. It's enough for you to do for him, don't feel guilty for not visiting as much, let your sister take that share of things if you are doing the bulk of the house stuff.