I don't want to go to care home

[Dementiadad]

I know, this is awful but I just can't face going to visit my dad.
I hate seeing him in the home, I hate the smell, the noise, everything. I feel so guilty that I have moved him in there, it was for his own safety but he has deteriorated so much. He doesn't always recognise me, sometimes he just tells me to go away.
I am so tired. Worn out from years of stress trying to manage him at his home with the help of carers. Worn out from the battle to get him into a home and now...
I need to sell his house to pay the care home fees, his money will run out around Easter time. He was a hoarder. I spend one day each weekend trying to clear it - I have done for 5 months and it still feels like I have a mountain to climb - I wish I could just hand the keys over to the council and be done with it.

I don't expect replies, I just needed to get it out somewhere where I wouldn't be judged.

Practically - can you get a company in to clear the house? BHF do this.

Can you take in a news paper to read to him?

Have you spoken to the home about what happens at Easter time? If you need to sold by then you need to get it in the market ASAP and it can easily take at least 6 months for a sale to go through. If the care home is willing to wait then Easter would be the best time to sell it.

No judgement here but a plea to put your oxygen mask on first. You’ve been through a lot and you need to prioritise some self care.

I would just pay someone at this point to clear the house and take the cost of this out of the proceeds of sale. You don’t need to do this yourself to maximise the amount going to the state so go back one last time to do a walk through and take anything you can see that you might want to keep and let the rest go.

Then take a break from the visits. Does your dad have dementia? If yes he will not have a good sense of time so whether you go every week or once a year honestly means more to you than it does to him at this point. You can still ensure his wellbeing by calling the home regularly to check on him and if he is up to it by FaceTiming for a few minutes at a frequency which works for you.

Do you have other family members who can help share the mental load? Lean on them if so.

Might you need some medical help yourself if you are exhausted or possibly depressed or anxious? You could consider this or some counselling to resolve conflicting feelings. If you work, your employer may have an Employee Assistance Programme which offers this free of charge?

For today though, resolve you aren’t going to his home this weekend and you are going to try to have a nice weekend with no guilt and no obligation to recharge your batteries and take stock.

I'm so sorry. You've done the right thing for your dad. It got to a point where he’s not safe and I don't think anyone can really manage to give that level of care.
Can you step back a little from things? Visit once a week or what ever you find manageable ? Is he able to go out of the home maybe for lunch or something with you ?
I’m guessing the local authority are forcing the sale of the house so could you put it on the market as is ?

Don't try and clear the house by yourself, it's too much! When my Mum's house needed clearing we used a company who sorted everything into Skip, Charity and Auction and they actually sent the auctionable items and listed them for us, sending us the proceeds a few months later.

My Mum's house was uncluttered and in good nick and it cost us £1500 which was of course offset in part by the proceeds from the auction.

So it might be a little more expensive for you, I don't know, but it relieves you of a huge headache!

As for your Dad, look for another care home. There are some really nice ones. No one should have to live in a place that smells!

Just here to offer a hug and support. Please remind yourself every day that you are doing the very best you can in extremely difficult circumstances.
Your dad is being looked after. Yes, it's still hard for you but he is kept safe. And you aren't destroying your own health by trying to care for him.
On a practical note re the house. My husband was a hoarder and when he died it took me a year to clear his stuff from the house. If I could return and do it differently I would pay someone to come and sell what was valuable, as some was. Then I would get a company in to just clear what wasn't valuable, or anything I could use or want.
Please, don't be hard on yourself. You really are doing your best. Take care.

Hugs, OP xx
We are at the start of this with my mum and the house is crammed full of stuff to be sorted out.

I get it. I have a parent in home who is doubly incontinent, can only eat when prompted and barely verbal. They have had no idea who I am for a good few years now.

Their spouse goes, but I don't. I hate it. I hate nursing homes anyway- the heat, the smell, the decay, but I just don't see the point. I know I'm probably judged by people too polite to tell me how awful I am, but if I go to the home, who am I doing for? Not my parent. Not for me. For appearances.

And yes, there are times the guilt and grief hits me; I had to stop mid run this morning because it came out of its box and overwhelmed me. I honestly wish they would die, so it could be over. Dementia takes far too long to finally take people.

I understand, we had to clear my parents house once they'd both died. Mum went into a home in 2019, I started clearing her stuff then, dad died a year later in 2021. House finally sold in June 23. Was more or less empty by Christmas 22. I've still got boxes to sort through even though I was ruthless about what came back to mine. I'm still traumatised frankly!

Thank you - your comments have made me cry! I don't think I had realised what a toll this is taking,

Clearing his house - he had an antiques business/ hobby and so there is a lot of stuff left over from that, I don't think I am allowed to just have someone take it? I am selling things to his old trade contacts - one came and took a load of stuff today - it would be deprivation of assets? I am concentrating on digging out valuable things and shoving worthless stuff in another room which I will just leave to a clearance firm. I should be done by Christmas and I am aiming to put it on the market in January as a renovation job - the estate agent said not to bother trying to tart it up.
The home said they would give us a couple of months grace and the LA said if we couldn't sell the house they would take a charge over it. Tbh what can they do? Deliver him to my house? If there isn't cash there isn't cash.

I have a sister but she has washed her hands if it all. She will visit him once a week but that's it. I invite her to help every weekend, she has been a couple of times but there are always reasons why she can't and I have just given up trying to get her to help.

Tbh her relationship with my dad was never great, mine marginally better. He was AWOL for most of my teen years. I have been reading quite a lot of pop psychology - the body keeps the score etc - as I do think this situation is bringing out some old wounds from my childhood.

My DH is pretty supportive- he isn't happy about our lack of weekends but has never offered to go instead of me etc. he hasn't seen my dad in years/ has never offered practical help with him.

Thanks again everyone.

A few things that have helped us

Don't visit all the time, twice a week for maybe half an hour is plenty. If you have other family visiting try and create a rota so he gets a few visits each week.

We only visit MIL once per week now but we know a couple of others pop in too so it's not all on us.

House, can you grab what is to be kept and get house clearance in for the rest?

Have a supply of older photos in the care home and use them as a talking point, people in a home don't have any new tales to tell you so start trying to reminisce instead.

Don't worry about the care home fees too much, the council will put a charge the house while you're selling it and that's fine, it's pretty standard but just keep in contact with them, council staff are generally nice people if you engage with them in my experience anyway.

It is so difficult - I really feel for you. The additional burden of sorting out your dad's house is a huge sapper of time and energy.

One thing I found helped me, visiting my mum in her care home, which I also hated, was to get into a routine of turning up at bedtime when mum was already in bed and sleepy. I would sit and read her to sleep, give her a kiss and go when she dropped off. It made all my visits much nicer because there wasn't the additional stress of negotiating round other residents or meal times etc. Mum tended to go to bed about 7pm so that made it very manageable. Whether that routine works for you will depend very much on how far from the home you live and what your dad's bedtime routine is.

Sometimes, though, you just need to let yourself rest in your own home. Don't feel guilty when you do need this. It's the quality, not the quantity, of your time with your dad that matters. If you need to look after yourself at the moment to have the energy to keep doing what needs to be done for him, then look after yourself.

If your sister is visiting once a week then you can at least know that he is being seen regularly and the burden is not on you to do that side of things.

The antiques element does change things likely but could you for example check whether an auction house would come out and clear the whole house of valuable items and put them in next sale? Or advertise for someone knowledgeable to do this on the basis they get 5% of the proceeds. Reasonable expenses to clear the house won’t be seen as deprivation of assets so please don’t worry about that. If necessary you can always tell the LA what you are doing and give them a chance to comment on the expenses you will be incurring you enter into a commitment.

Ultimately, please don’t make yourself ill over any of this. You can only do what you can do and you have already given a lot of yourself to get this far. Take a leaf out of your sister’s book and scale things back to what is manageable for your own well being (by visiting once a week she is also doing loads by the way too).

Would it matter if you didn’t go? Would he be any the wiser? My friend’s dad was in a care home due to dementia. When it got really bad, she stopped going in and I didn’t blame her.

@Dementiadad I totally get this. My DF has advanced dementia and is in a care home about 10 minutes from our house. I feel so guilty if I don’t visit several times a week but sometimes I’m just so drained that I can’t face it. My DH reminds me that Dad has no idea if it’s 5 minutes or 5 weeks since I’ve been and I know he’s right but I still feel bad. It sucks but you are not alone.

I completely understand, I visited my mum yesterday and it was awful , she is bed bound and incontinent , but comparatively cognitively fine . It was an awful day .

If your sister is going once a week that's great.

The great thing about selling the house is that it WILL end one day. The weight off your shoulders at that point will be enormous. I think the system you are working to sounds very good.

Some house clearance companies will sort into what is valuable and can go to auction, what can be donated or recycled and what can be binned. They charge upfront, then any proceeds minus costs from the auction come back to you. The one we used would keep back things like photos and paperwork for us to go through. That makes the whole thing more manageable and you don't have to do any moving or sorting yourself.

If you can't find a house clearance company that does that, then try an auction house, they'll take and sell what they think will sell (minus their costs). Then you can get the likes of a local
charity shop or house clearance to deal with the rest.

Cut down on the visits, he probably doesn't know or understand how frequent they are! Have some weekends to yourself!

Bless you OP. I hope you keep some of the antiques money for yourself. Your dad is allowed to give 3k as a gift every year. Take some and do something nice for yourself.

Is he having dementia?

Buy him a good air purifier, a really good CD player or DAB radio, electric blanket, nothing to make it more comfortable.

anything not nothing

Another post to say engage a local auction house they will clear anything they can add to next sale - I have seen all sorts in our local ones that have obviously come from a clearance in similar circumstances. It won’t be viewed as deprivation of assets , it’s a perfectly normal thing to do

I'm all for truth and honesty but the first thing I'd do here is say you're away for 2 weeks. I don't know if he will comprehend this but you just need a break.

I am youngish, a decent, caring person, and my own mother would rarely visit me when seriously ill, almost died on one occasion and stuck in hospital for months one time and weeks another - with nothing. No clothes, no clean pants. I was bedridden.

What I'm trying to say is that you are a lovely caring daughter, even more so after him being AWOL.

Just don't be around for 2 weeks and come up with some excuse for anyone who needs to know. Have a break and block it out for a little while so you can re group.

Radio for him sounds a great idea. Is he allowed Alexa? You can get mini ones that display photos and all sorts on a tiny screen.

I was in your shoes regarding my mum.
In the end I only visited once a week.
Twice the week she died.

My friend who was in this position never visited her dad
when he went into a care home.

When I was speaking to mums care home they suggested that
I must think about my health as well so only visit when I want to
as mum didn't know me from Adam.
Fortunately mum only lasted 4 months.

Take care of yourself OP.