I don't know what is best for my mum, housing, dementia and so on

[Busywithsomething]

Sorry in advance. I think this could be long.

My mum seems to have good days and then she has days when she is quite confused. I managed to get an appointment with her GP recently, they ran a quick set of tests which she passed fantastically well and the doc announced that she doesn't have dementia. A few days later she went into town, got confused and then approached a policeman about feeling unwell and an ambulance was called. Nothing really wrong with her. Lots of other odd examples. She loses her keys and thinks someone has broken into her flat and stolen them and the next day she finds them. I don't know what to do.

Physically, she's quite well and can walk into town most days, getting a bus or a taxi home again. Her GP has no concerns that she has dementia - despite numerous concerns about it that I have.

I suppose my question is, at what point does a person need to think about needing more help? I work 4 days a week and live about 40 minutes away. She has a limited range of people she could ask for help. In spring this year I somehow arranged for a really nice lady to come and talk about visiting her a couple of times a week for an hour or so . Money isn't a big issue. My mum hated the idea and was polite in front of her but won't entertain the idea.

Any ideas of how to deal with things please? The GP, as I say, isn't worried but I think she could do with some help. She is confused with her meds and barely eats anything but sandwiches these days. I don't know when or how, it is best to tackle the housing issue. Sorry for the essay.

It's not an essay and sorry you are going through this, My mum had dementia for 7 years, I feel for you.

Get back to her GP? I don't live in UK so have no practical help, sorry.

What's the housing issue?

My mum has dementia and it can suddenly hit you how much they can no longer do. It sounds like she does have some cognitive impairment, and some people are very good at putting on a front for tests, medical people, friends and even family for a while, but eventually the truth of their needs will come out.

If she's getting confused with her meds, perhaps start there, and frame it as a temporary thing? Say you need someone to help make sure she's taking them, and then once she's back on track perhaps she won't need someone anymore (although in reality it will be...). Once the door is open to help, it's easier to increase it, it's just getting things started in the first place that's hard.

Would she have someone to help her do housework ? It could still be a carer… or someone to ‘drive her to town’ ( a carer)
Good luck. Maybe get back in touch with the GP and tell them she’s not eating and is confused with meds?

Do you have all the legal stuff in place? If not, you should do it ASAP. It makes managing things easier later on.

Thanks to everyone who has read my question and answered.

Power of attorneys- yes all in place. Financial ones now up and running and the GPs are talking to me.

In a sense she is coping ok. She has a cleaner come in and she can clean herself and make herself some kind of meal, although it's generally sandwiches from her local M&S. I don't know what are the alarming or warning signs. We have a bit of a system with her pill box but she still sometimes forgets even if I've called her and reminded her that night.

Not too sure what my exact question is but should I be thinking about a residential home if she is adamantly against it? What are the signs that she needs better care? I see her most weeks and her flat is quite a pickle these days as she's having a major sort-out but presumably one day there will be nothing more for her to throw away.

Thanks, Bonbonnes, this is getting me thinking of a sneaky plan. Perhaps I could arrange someone to drive her into town, but just to get to her flat and check on her pills, have a cup of tea with her etc before she takes her into town. That would be helpful for me to know she's got someone she could ask if she ever needed something. Thanks Bonbonnes.

How many times a day does she take meds? Would something like a pivotell work? It has an alarm to remind and they can only get at one slot at a time. We got one for mum because she was forgetting she'd taken her meds and taking multiple doses in a day.

I'm sorry you're having to cope with this so alone.

I'm aware you can only give us a tiny snapshot of what worries you, but from what you've said I would try to avoid a residential home if you can. For someone like your mum the familiarity of her surroundings means she will be doing a lot better than she would somewhere new, and they really are quite restrictive. I do get the worry about eating and she undoubtedly would eat more regularly in a home, but to me at the moment it really doesn't sound as if that benefit would outweigh the loss right now. Earing less is unfortunately a feature of dementia - and to me it does sound as if she is probably heading that way even if it's not diagnosed.

What Id say is, don't worry too much about the diagnosis. Describe the problem - memory issues, lack of interest in food etc - and take action on that basis. The diagnosis will come eventually if it does but in a lot of areas it doesn't change very much.

I really hope she accepts some small supports like those suggested above. Do think about talking to the Age UK helpline with questions as well? And I would install a keysafe now if you can.

@PermanentTemporary thanks I really appreciate what you have said. You seem to understand what I'm saying and you've put it in perspective for me. Yes I think it could be a bit early to be thinking of a residential home even though strangely enough, ( given how independent minded she is), she has uttered something about some local almshouses that she's seen is advertising for new people. ( I did look into that but places are means tested and I don't think she'd be eligible). As you say I'm sure they are restrictive and the benefits right night wouldn't be sufficient for the loss in independence.

Yes I will call Age Uk helpline.

Thanks very much :)

Bless you, that's a fantastic idea. Yes she only takes them once a day but I think the alarm part of it sounds good. Going to read the reviews on Amazon now. Many thanks!

We got ours on loan from social services as mum wasn't coping. Worth an ask as they are over £100

We were sneaky like that. Mum would not have anyone, but the GP suddenly said no more driving and so we swooped in and said no worries we’ve found you someone to drive you around. They had nice outings, coffee s, shopping etc mum enjoyed it straight away and the ‘ driver’ also managed to make sure she’d eaten , check dates in fridge etc. It was very helpful for us because as you say they kept us up to speed on things and were an extra person to rely on. Just never mention the carer word.
For the pills you can get automatic pill dispensers. They ring loudly when it’s time to take tablets, you turn them over and correct dose of pills falls out .You can fill them monthly.