Grandmother weak,dizzy and unhappy

[Sunflowervase]

My grandmother is 87 she has been in a care home for 2 years. She has had periods of illness but she has been generally ok. The last few weeks she seems to be getting weaker. She now so tired she can barely keep her eyes open and she is dizzy when she is standing or sitting up. The gp has been she has had blood tests etc - the doctor told me that it would be upsetting to send her to hospital so they are trying to keep her there. They think she may have a bleed from some ulcers.

Today when i visited she was very upset - sad, she wanted to lie on my chest and hug and said she thinks shes lived to long and she had had enough. She moans like shes in pain but when you ask her why she says shes in no pain. She has a lot of memory loss so she doesnt remember whats happened 5 minutes before and she has no idea where she is but she is still aware of her surroundings and ahe knows her family etc.

my dad lives abroad and he keeps asking me if i think he should come over meaning is she dying. I have no idea what to say.

has anyone else had this sort of thing ? Today i felt like just putting her in the car and taking her to hospital but tbh im not sure if they can do anything anyway.

any advice appreciated!

I'm angry on your behalf. Your dad should be over looking after your GM, not leaving it to you. My mum left her mum to me, like that, and now she's unwell herself 30 years later I find it almost impossible to care for her, knowing she abandoned her own mother to me.

More practically, I think you should tell your dad to come over and have a care/needs review with the care home where she is.

It's very hard to tell if she's dying. Some people feel like they want to go long before the body has properly given up. She's probably more comfortable where she is. I'm sorry I don't have more advice. My own grandmother was in a care home but we were separated for months by the first Covid lockdown and I was called by the staff two days before she died, they knew the signs. Maybe speak to some of the staff or the nursing manager?

I am so sorry you and your grandmother are going through this. However, if you put her in your car and go to A&E the likehood is you would be waiting for hours and then she could be on a trolley waiting to be admitted, in a corridor, for even more hours. She is far better where she is with the staff and the doctor monitoring her.

I think the time has come for you to tell your Dad to come back. Look after yourself too, OP.

my dad lives abroad and he keeps asking me if i think he should come over meaning is she dying. I have no idea what to say. What one of our nursing home nurses said to me was he always tended to get people in “early” because it was important to say anything that needed to be said when the person was still able to hear and respond. So you could suggest to your dad that he come now, and “settle his accounts” and if she isn’t near death, then it’s less important that he be there when she dies.

Your dad should be over looking after your GM, not leaving it to you. So you would be saying to posters on this thread that they should sell their homes and move hundreds of miles or to a different country to care for their elderly parents?

She is far better where she is with the staff and the doctor monitoring her. Agree with this.

Maybe have a conversation with your Dad and tell him you do think he should come, your grandmother is not well and she and you need him to come over and support you both. Wishing you both all the very best and I hope things get better very soon.