Where do we go from here?

[GnomeDePlume]

Up until 4 weeks ago DM(85) was doing fine. Lived alone in a bungalow with family member close by calling in regularly (most days) for general chit chat.

Then she took a fall and broke her leg requiring surgery.

In these 4 weeks DM has declined so much. Her short-term memory is shot. She has stopped eating, she still chooses food but then just pushes it around a bit without managing more than a mouthful. She still drinks water but isn't interested in any other drink (she used to be a big tea drinker).

DM is now in a ward waiting for discharge to another hospital where she will do some physiotherapy.

It all seems too little, too late. She isn't getting out of bed. Her world has shrunk from bungalow, well tended garden, clubs, to the tray over her bed.

Is there any coming back?

I'm not sure what answers I'm looking for. It all feels a bit miserable at the moment.

I was going to say "make sure you check that family can visit easily" then saw your brother doesn't drive...

I can drive but still find the home my dad is in an absolute PITA. It's 45 minutes or more away, close to nothing, very little public transport so my Dad's friends can't ever just pop by, and visiting hours are a nightmare to fit in with the school run.

It suited my mum when he moved but if she gets ill (or when she has to give up driving) or the home has a covid/infectious disease outbreak then Dad is really isolated.

It is definitely worth thinking about how everyone will be able to visit easily.

Dad's now been in the home for 2.5 years and I honestly didn't expect him to get through his first winter there!

@WinterFrog thank you, that is reassuring. DM has to use the mo-lift (sometimes called a sack barrow) for moving between chair and bed.

Something I have noticed and mentioned yesterday is that after 3 months in bed DM has lost all core strength. To the point where she will slump to one side and won't be able to correct this.

DB has convinced himself that unless he is in control that it will all go to hell. He is very negative.

The care home I have been speaking with most does look really nice, purpose built with some nice gardens. Hoping they will have space for DM.

Only downside is that it will require DB to take 2 buses to land him at the entrance. The alternatives are one bus and a 20 minute uphill walk. Not quite sure what he is expecting me to do about that!

@HoraceGoesBonkers all the possible homes I am looking at are in DB's town.

My gripe (which I haven't expressed to DB in the interests of family harmony) is that he only considers his own convenience. He expects me to produce a care home within walking distance or on a convenient bus route.

I don't have that power!

Can he cycle there? If it's in the same town?

Finally managed to speak to the hospital today about dad’s appointments. Had a really unhelpful lady in the appointments office who said she couldn’t speak to me without my dad being there to confirm I could speak on his behalf. Apparently having POA doesn’t count 🙄🙄🙄

In the end I phoned the urology department direct and a very helpful nurse told me everything I needed to know and only asked me to confirm my dad’s name, DOB and hospital number.

Mum has been told by her consultant that she needs to start chemotherapy for her lymphoma now. She’s been given the option of either a regime of 4 tablets a day for, well pretty much forever, or 2x tablets a day plus monthly IV drugs for 1 year. Understandably mum is worried that if she has the IV treatment it will wipe her out for several days at a time meaning she can’t look after dad. Trying to convince them to look at increasing carers visits around this time will be a challenge…

@EmotionalBlackmail yes he can but that isnt what he wants!

Ho hum, families! I wont fall out with him. He is really doing a lot of heavy lifting so far as DM is concerned.

@CaveMum how frustrating dealing with the appointments department. I'm glad you managed to get sorted in the end.

So worrying for your DM. Difficult to know what to do for the best.

💐

@GnomeDePlume if he's got a few different options of getting there then that sounds fair enough!

A couple of visits a week to a nursing home wouldn't put your brother out too much @GnomeDePlume, even if it does mean two buses, unless he is exceptionally busy. It's not like hospital where family have to continually run back and forth with washing/clean laundry and so on, and it's certainly not like them being in their own home, which was a bloody nightmare now I think back on it, the continual checking-in and worrying and buying groceries and fetching meds. The person should settle into a routine where their basic needs are met by staff, and I don't think it's realistic to expect family to visit every single day. Judging by these boards, a lot of us still have quite young families of our own.

I recognise that dynamic @GnomeDePlume
Deeply frustrating!
I feel that @AInightingale has a good point about residential homes. So far someone has visited daily, but it's becoming clear that mum is being kept quite busy and we are slowly stepping back. We're having another calm period, but soon well be needing to consider a house sale and that will be hard.
I am really appreciating being able to visit mum and not be feeling responsible for groceries and laundry. Just enjoying her company..

@AInightingale I can't criticise DB's commitment to visiting. He has visited DM in hospital 6/7 for the last 3 months. He plans to continue this.

We are all older, DB is retired, though I'm still working FT. My DCs are all adults now.

My frustration is at DB wanting to control everything when that isn't possible. He can then be tricky to deal with without getting annoyed with him. He is very intelligent and remarkably idiotic at the same time!

@WinterFrog I understand, wanting to just visit without constantly thinking 'what do I have to deal with or sort out next?'

That is good about your DM being kept busy. That is something I am hoping for my DM.

We have good news! The care home I liked the look of has space for DM. DD and I are going for a look tomorrow.

Good luck with the care home visit.

Visited the care home today. It does seem very pleasant. A hotel-like atmosphere with residents rather than patients.

So now I need to set the process in motion.

That's great to hear. Sounds like the one my mum is in. Nothing like they used to be!

How does your brother feel about it?

That’s good news, I hope the process is easy for all of you.

@WinterFrog it was certainly a lot nicer than I was expecting. Like a golf spa hotel but without a golf course or swimming pool. I'll need to sort mum with some new clothes, she has lost a lot of weight.

@Weenurse I think DB is realising that he doesnt get a choice so is leaving it to me to sort.

Morning @GnomeDePlume I am glad you were pleasantly surprised by the home. Is it one of the big care home chains? Mum's really feels quite opulent. Grateful that she's able to self fund as it was good to have the choice of homes.
She's definitely treated as a resident and not a patient, and she's offered choices all the way. She's blossomed in the couple of weeks she's been there. Eating better as despite being immobile she's wheeled to the dining room where she sits with her new friends. She also enjoys a bit of chit chat with the carers and housekeeping staff. The receptionist and other non clinical staff also greet her by name.
DH is threatening to move in as well 😂
Wishing your mum a smooth and stress free move ( is she awaiting an assessment) Mum had someone come to assess her at the hospital.
💐 to you and all dealing with all this!

Good morning @WinterFrog 🌻

Yes, it's a chain which does give it quite a corporate look which I prefer. Purpose built which also helps. The converted edwardian vicarages put me off as so many of them look down at heel even on their websites when they should be at their best.

There seem to be quite a lot of activities on offer. Not sure if DM will actually do many but she will like the possibility.

Yes, hallelujah for DM having the funds for this. So glad we managed to deter her from doing equity release at one stage.

What your DM is experiencing is what I am hoping for my DM. You are reassuring me. My DM is in a similar situation in terms of needing to be wheeled about.

I have to speak to the customer manager tomorrow and get the ball rolling. Hopefully assessment later on this week then get DM moved in as soon as possible.

DB is leaving this to me. DD and I were discussing DB yesterday. His problem is that any type of change makes him anxious. Even just saying goodbye at the end of a visit to DM involves a lot of faffing.

Drives me bonkers. If I am giving him a lift I will be standing in the corridor, coat on, keys in hand while he is still picking up his bag, looking for his coat, saying goodbye, making a comment to DM, putting his bag down, looking for his coat again.....

Any road, I shall sit down this evening after visiting DM and start writing lists.

@GnomeDePlume purpose built is definitely a plus. Then they have things like wider corridors so that more than one (slow moving) resident can pass by easily rather than it being a squish and a squeeze as it can be in older buildings. My dad's home was one and it was well arranged.

This may have been mentioned but name tapes for clothes, like the school uniform kind, are useful so then it'll be clear which are your mum's when they are laundered. It was such a relief to me when my dad eventually moved into his care home that he was safe and looked after and I wasn't worrying about what had happened if I rang and he didn't answer the phone. He was always dressed neatly, clean shaven as he preferred, when I visited and the staff were so skilful - he'd always resisted help with personal care at home but in the care home they made it seem like a treat for him and he was happy to go along with it.

@GnomeDePlume I'm so pleased you’ve found a good home for your mum, hopefully she’ll be in and settled soon xx

Thank you for the tip @Holesintheground

Got a small problem. It looks like DM is cooking another UTI. I visited her this afternoon, she thought I was her sister and wanted to leave with me to go and visit her parents.

How do care homes deal with this situation?

@GnomeDePlume I hope the hospital get on it asap and it doesn’t worsen and then your DM can be moved somewhere more comfortable. I have no experience of care homes but would guess/hope that they have a Dr either on site or on call. It’s like being on a hamster wheel isn’t it.

They usually get their GP in to examine the person and prescribe as needed when a patient is ill.

Are the ward prescribing something for her?