Where do we go from here?

[GnomeDePlume]

Up until 4 weeks ago DM(85) was doing fine. Lived alone in a bungalow with family member close by calling in regularly (most days) for general chit chat.

Then she took a fall and broke her leg requiring surgery.

In these 4 weeks DM has declined so much. Her short-term memory is shot. She has stopped eating, she still chooses food but then just pushes it around a bit without managing more than a mouthful. She still drinks water but isn't interested in any other drink (she used to be a big tea drinker).

DM is now in a ward waiting for discharge to another hospital where she will do some physiotherapy.

It all seems too little, too late. She isn't getting out of bed. Her world has shrunk from bungalow, well tended garden, clubs, to the tray over her bed.

Is there any coming back?

I'm not sure what answers I'm looking for. It all feels a bit miserable at the moment.

Thank you

Care home staff finally managed to get DM to bed at midnight. When I phoned at 9am she was still asleep. The care home was waiting for a GP call back so assuming it is a UTI then hopefully ABs will start quickly.

DB is a tricky character. He is very certain that he is 'the person who knows'. Nobody else knows anything. He can be very blamey, a characteristic he shared with DM.

His current obsession is with the chair in DM's room, he is convinced that it is 'dangerous'. First he tried to insist that one of the chairs that DM had taken a shine to was removed from the lounge and put in DM's room. Unsurprisingly the care home said 'no'. So I am now tasked with finding an equivalent chair. He hasnt the time as he is fully occupied with visiting DM 6/7. As I only visit DM 3 times per week and work full time I have plenty of time.

As I know that whatever chair I locate will be 'wrong' in some way I'm not rushing at this task. My personal view is that if the chair in DM's room is not perfectly comfortable then she will be more easily persuaded to spend more time in the lounge where she has far more social interaction.

@GnomeDePlume I love your deadpan delivery of your description of your brother!
All I can say is, yes! I know where you're coming from.
Sorry it's so difficult for you and obviously your poor mum 🌻

My mother has started to show her personality as she's settling in. She was on her best behaviour and now she has relaxed a bit...

The staff handle her brilliantly and it's rather nice being able to leave them to take care of things, most of the time. I do need to arrange hearing and eye tests though as various items got lost in hospital. Dirty clothes have been returned to her wardrobe too, but that could be because she insists that 'my daughter will wash that' as they're all wool things. I don't mind, except nobody tells me anything so I rummage when I'm there.

I hope your mum gets treatment she needs for possible uti. That's a real benefit of the nursing home isn't it? No more hours on the phone trying to book medical care.

🍷 🍫 💐 to all!

Thank you @WinterFrog .

Unfortunately we (DM and I) are in A&E. DM was found this morning vomiting copiously (apologies for TMI). Care home phoned 111 who sent a GP who immediately called an ambulance.

DM being assessed. We are mostly being left alone in a room with a beeping machine.

It's not really clear if DM has a UTI or a more general infection. Blood tests have been taken but not heard of any results as yet.

So sorry she is back in hospital

I am so sorry to read this. My thoughts are with you both! Very much hoping she has been given appropriate treatment by now 💐

She is 85, falls are devasting for older people and realistically she is unlikely to regain all the ground lost.

We are still in A&E. DD is coming in to take over from me so that I can go home and sleep for a few hours.

Still no real idea what is wrong.

Oh no. I hope the hospital stay is short and they have her back on the mend. What a horrible start to the year for you all💐

Sorry to hear about your DM @GnomeDePlume, hope you get some answers soon and that you get home for a rest.

Oh no @GnomeDePlume I’m sorry to read this update. I hope by now she has been assessed and admitted. Thinking of you.

Cripes @GnomeDePlume. She's clearly very unwell if acting so out of character and being so sick. May be norovirus on top of a urine/kidney infection or something like that.

Frail old age is the first circle of hell, I'm convinced of it. 💐

Thanks all.

DM is still in A&E. Still don't know what sort of infection she has. If DM had a UTI, that is gone. DM is very poorly, mostly asleep but if awake then distressed.

Additional IV ABs were planned mid-morning but still hadn't arrived when I left at 5pm.

I don't think it is norovirus. DM has no digestive discomfort.

@GnomeDePlume 💐

My suspicion is that DM may have had another stroke. She was slurring her words quite badly. This was dismissed as DM not having facial or limb weakness on one side.

However, DM's previous stroke was atypical in that it affected her eyesight.

She was eventually sent for head CT and chest Xray but we didn't hear the results.

Perhaps today will bring more information. We have probably just experienced Sunday service in a badly rated hospital.

Sending you and DM all best wishes and strength for today @GnomeDePlume, hope that you get some answers.

Thank you for all the good wishes.

DM was transferred to an assessment unit within the hospital late last night.

DB is with her now. He has reported that her condition is not significantly changed from last night. She is mostly asleep, when she is awake she is confused, distressed and unable to speak at all clearly.

The medical opinion is that DM has an infection possibly originally stemming from a UTI. She is now on broad spectrum ABs. If she is going to get better it will take a few days.

Sending best wishes and a hug, this is a very difficult time for your family

Sounds horrible for her; she must be so confused. I hope she is soon on the mend OP. Sending you strength to get through. 💐

With you in spirit @GnomeDePlume Your poor mum. Wishing you and your family all the best, come what may 💐

Many thanks again.

The thing I noticed most in A&E was how utterly terrified DM was. Several times I had to tell staff that DM didn't understand what they were doing. They just took this to mean they needed to speak even louder to her.

DM has no core strength so making her sit bolt upright when she was being sick just made her feel like she was falling so she was grabbing on to anything she could. Telling her to 'let go' didn't work. I found that giving her something to hold onto (my hand, the bed rail etc) gave her some comfort.

Given that so much of A&E work seemed to be to do with elderly patients I would have thought they would have more understanding in how to deal with them.

Very sorry to hear what you’re going through. I completely agree about a&e staff. My mum was admitted when she had severe dementia and they really didn’t know how to deal with her. She understood no language at this point but they kept shouting more loudly too! They really didn’t get that she couldn’t understand ANYTHING. It’s a good job I was there with her.

I do hope your DM is okay. It's bringing back memories of when my mum was in there last June. They diagnosed hypo dementia she was mostly asleep, but desperately thirsty.
The nurse in A &E told me a drink would be placed on her bedside cabinet if she reached for the drink and drank she could have it but if not she couldn't have one ! Seems very cruel. Unfortunately she passed sway 8 days later.
You're doing a fabulous job.

Sadly it is my experience with HCPs is what they are told is not what they hear.

'Doesn't understand' was heard as 'Can't hear'.

A simple thing like taking blood pressure or putting a pulse meter on her finger were frightening to mum as she didn't understand. 'Mum, they are going to put something round your arm which will go tight for a while then go loose' was all she needed to know. She didn't need 'I'm taking your blood pressure' bellowed at her repeatedly.

I find ambulance crews more humane. When mum had to be hoisted onto the ambulance trolley one of the crew admitted that he had it done to him to feel what it was like and said it was frightening as you feel so insecure.

Poor little soul 😔 As a carer I worked with dementa patients towards the end of their lives, and you are so right that speaking to them in simple terms is much better. It's that old saying about people don't remember what you say, they remember how you make them feel.
Paramedics are wonderful, aren't they?
You're doing really well@GnomeDePlume , in case you need to hear it ✨

Oh my goodness @GnomeDePlume I am so sorry. There are so many of us walking the same hard path. My life has mirrored yours, these last few months. I didn't have to deal with DB as my DB doesn't visit and DS lives miles away but so much of what you have written is my lived experience. My DM has settled now into a pleasant care home where the staff are kind. I'm grateful. Wishing your mum better health and you, peace of mind.