Parents we love driving us mad

[MereDintofPandiculation]

There’s a lot of support on this thread for those trying to care for parents who have failed them, parents who have treated them badly all their lives.

When I joined this board, I was enormously supported to find I wasn’t the only person finding it impossible to do the right thing for my parent. But it wasn’t because he was demanding, or over critical of me. On the contrary, he tried to be independent, and was by turn overly grateful to me, or distressed that I was doing too much.

I could understand his need to talk didn’t leave much time for listening, that being alone all day blew up small worries into large ones. My friend who always complained that her mother only contacted her if there was a job to do, I suspected was because mother didn’t want to seem needy, so looked for an “excuse” to phone the daughter she wanted to see so much more often. None of this helped me cope - well, it did help me, it helped me sympathise, but it didn’t help me to find things easy.

Anyone else struggling to care for a parent who doesn’t fit into the selfish/vindictive/narcissistic model being talked about elsewhere?

@MereDintofPandiculation it will be super to hear the positive stories of happy childhoods but still the difficulty of navigating through. You always post very sensible things and I hope those with positive stories make this an uplifting thread.

Mere, your advice has been so helpful during my time to date on this board.

I can join you in saying my parents are genuinely lovely, and gave me a very happy childhood. My DM does have mental health issues which means she can be very challenging at times for months, but that is part of her mental health condition, and not who she is.

I think part of the reason it is so hard, at least I find, is also watching your beloved parents aging and just wishing you could make things easier on them. I feel so helpless at times which means I in turn get frustrated and that sometimes comes out when actually I wish I could be more patient, the way they always have been with me. It’s fear of losing them, or of them living uncomfortably that adds to the whole scenario here.

I cared for my mother, which was extremely challenging due to her behaviour and how she treated me. She then passed away.

I've been caring for my grandmother for several years and am very grateful to have had her in my life, especially when I was younger. She went above and beyond for me in many, many ways. It has been challenging in different ways, but not because of her behaviour or treatment of me.

@MereDintofPandiculation I’ve also looked out for your advice whilst reading the posts on this board.
My parents were good parents, devoted to each other with never a cross word and I had a lovely childhood. I’ve always been a ‘home bird’ and would phone them a couple of times a week for no particular reason other than a chat and would call in once or twice a week, letting myself in with my key and treating it as my home by putting the kettle on.
My parents were always ready to help if I needed anything and I would always help them with anything. When Dad died ten years ago, it was only natural to help Mum out a bit more. Ten years has flown by and it doesn’t feel like a chore.
It has been difficult at times. Mum (blind) was in early 80’s when Dad died and I had DS6. I would take him to school and drive 40 mins to Mum, watching the clock to get back for school pick up.
It’s frustrating for me that Mum tries to be independent and won’t ask for help. I am happy to do more (cleaning being the main one) but she doesn’t want me to. She looked after my Gran for a few years and tells me that she knows how hard it is to look after someone older and doesn’t want me in that position. She often packs me off home early, telling me to get back to my family. My birthday cards usually include a ‘thank you for all you do’ and she often says she doesn’t know what she would do without me. I do my best and I feel appreciated.

It’s frustrating for me that Mum tries to be independent and won’t ask for help. I am happy to do more (cleaning being the main one) but she doesn’t want me to. Yes, I know that! Dad wouldn’t let me clean, always “I’ll do it!”. We tried sneaking in when he was at chapel, but he realised and got cross. He’d tried relocating his overhead light in the kitchen, and they were held in the new position with G-clamps (safe but eccentric) but he wouldn’t let anyone in to sort it.

Best was when he fell at a difficult street junction and split his head open on a railing. Refused to let anyone call an ambulance and turned up on my doorstep streaming blood. I did get the Council to change the junction and put some pedestrian crossing lights in, so some good came of it.

@MereDintofPandiculation yes, it’s so hard. I love DM dearly, she was an amazing mum and grandmother. I had a lovely childhood. I think in part that’s why I find it so hard. She is so grateful and tells me how wonderful I am to look after her. But I don’t want to be looking after her. I want to be a daughter again.

My dad's gratedul too. Doesn't stop me wanting to scream at him in frustration.