How long can this go on

[scandiva]

DM, 100. At the start of the year she was frail but living independently and vague at times and easily tired but knew who we were and what was happening.

Now she is in residential care, no idea who anyone is or where she is, erratic eating and sleeping.

Her quality of life is awful.

How long can this go on? I don't think anyone will be able to help. But I just need to ask

@scandiva hugs - no answer for you but I am guessing it has been quite a long road to this point. Are you nearby? Do you have other family members?

Sadly no one can know. It could be months, it could be years, although less likely given her age I guess. My mums in a similar boat - makes me so wish we had euthanasia options in this country - I can be kinder to my pets than my own mother. She just sits in a chair, no idea who she is, who we are, etc, no quality of life, yet there’s nothing we can do. It’s heartbreaking.

Hi OP,
I'm sorry to hear that you are worried about your mum's quality of life.

At the moment we continue to try to give our elderly, even if they are poorly, the best care that we can. What other choice is there? I hope there are times when your mum is "in the moment" perhaps listening to music and in those moments she gets some enjoyment.

This is what the office for national statistics says the life expectancy is for a woman of 100. As it sounds like your mum has dementia and her eating is poor I would expect it to be an overestimate.

Not sure but it sounds like your mum has had had very good health up until now to be living independently at 99! It’s very sad when it gets to the stage she now is. My MIL is at that stage now. She’s 73. In a home and doesn’t know who she is or who anyone is or where she is. Physically she is fit and well. Seems very cruel to think this might go on for another 20 years.

Thank you. I didn’t really even expect replies as I know no one knows. I think I’m coping fine. I’ve packed up her flat, I live nearby, I’ve kept continuity of care for her with the same carers coming by (I continue to pay them to come so she has regular well known company)

if I had to guess I’d reckon she could live another year or two but what life is it without pleasures (can’t hear music or watch tv)

and without the comfort of family and friends.

My Dad had to go into a care home at 75 due to dementia. He had no idea who I was, who my Mum was even though they had been married for 50 years, or that she had passed away.

He was extremely physically fit when he went in to care home and they said he could live for many years. The last two years of his life he was bed bound and could do nothing for himself, sit up, feed himself, toilet himself. His quality of life was zero. And yet he lasted two years.

There is no other option though. It was a living hell and he would have hated to be like that if he had known.

I hope that your Mum's time on this earth is gentle and that you get moments with her where she knows you.

MIL has been in a similar state for 6 months - bedbound, eating pureed food only, doesn't know who any of us are. She seems to have had a slight stroke this week and we are hoping for her sake that the end may be in sight. She really started to decline about 5 years ago and is now 104. It's been a long and stressful road.

Wow @NefretForth that sounds really really difficult. I fear that could be our road too as DM is extremely strong.

What an incredible kick in the teeth end of life is.

Sorry.
Sympathy.
❤️

Sounds a lot like my MIL. Can I ask you if you don’t mine me asking, how long was your Dad in the home for?
MIL has been there for 3 years already.

@WhiteLily1 my Dad was in the care home for 5 years. 3 years able to walk and feed himself and fight with other residents. Then Covid and bed bound for the remaining 2 years.

Bless you it’s difficult. My lovely MIL spent over 3 years in a care home with dementia that developed exactly as you have mentioned. It was only when she stopped eating that she declined quickly and then died. Same with my friend’s DM who declined pretty rapidly after she refused to eat. Of course unsure if the refusal to eat was deliberate but they were both fine physically so it was tough going. Sending hugs.

MIL was in a care home for almost 10 years. Went in with dementia. She had a few years if carers at her home too. She died aged 99. The last three years were bedbound.

I just wanted to post a message of sympathy for all of you and your relatives going through this. It must be heartbreaking and so stressful. Wishing you all strength and peace.