Looking after elderly parents

[SesTheBrave]

I can't see a topic for carers or looking after elderly parents but correct me if I'm wrong.

Just struggling at the moment working full time, 2 secondary school age children plus trying to support my parents as much as I can. There's a lot to their situation but I'll try and summarise.

Dad is 81 and suffers badly with arthritis in his knees to the extent that 10 days ago he couldn't get out of bed. Short term care arranged from community support team and he's doing better but reliant on a frame now. He also has a history of being an alcoholic although doesn't drink spirits now, will drink 3 cans of beer a day and some wine at the weekend. He has shown in the last 10 days that he can go completely without and it doesn't impact his health as it used to.

Mum has had health issues most of her life - rheumatoid arthritis since her late twenties, depression and anxiety, breast cancer resulting in bilateral mastectomy and more recently she fell at home just over a year ago and fractured 3 vertebrae and was subsequently diagnosed with Parkinson's. Recovery from the fall was around 12 weeks and no surgery was needed thankfully. Her anxiety though has worsened.

My parents have never had a loving marriage. Frequent arguments and misunderstandings. Dad is a natural introvert but with a sense of humour. Mum enjoys social company but doesn't get Dad's sense of humour and will snap at him. There is no real relationship except that they live in the same house. Separate meals, separate bedrooms and separate rooms they watch tv in. They also have separate finances and don't know what money the other has.

It just feels a mess and I'm caught in the middle trying to keep them happy, take them to appointments, etc. I have 2 siblings but they are not local like I am.

Any advice? Or anyone going through similar and want a support thread?

Elderly Parents topic! Lots of support

Argh, thank you! Dont know why I didn't see that topic!!

It's like your head is going to explode! Make sure you get support yourself to calm the noise

you can just ask mn to move it over

Hi OP, we've moved your thread to our Elderly Parents topic.

Hi OP, as a veteran of these boards, can I say gently your parents happiness is not your responsibility.
of course you want to support them- but it sounds like they have capacity, and can make decisions to improve their lives. Look at ways you can facilitate help for them- apply for attendance allowance( with help from age uk/ cab etc ) identify local carers/ gardeners etc, taxis, meal delivery services…. And power of attorney/ wills in place.

Hello

As others say, their happiness can't be your responsibility, you'll wear yourself out trying to do that.

But if you want to support them, there are lots of ways to do that - if they will let you.

How separate are they? Will they do any care / support for each other? How do they organise things like food if they are both unable to shop / cook etc?

Something to be aware of is that while your parents may be separated in theory, they are likely to be treated as a couple when it comes to assessing care needs unless they make it very clear that they are not. Do they own their house jointly? Do their wills reflect their separated status? Do you have POA for both or either of them? Many of these things tend to default to the spouse, and then to children. We've ended up with some difficult situations where FIL has POA for MIL - but he himself is not capable of making rational decisions on her behalf, which is difficult to manage.

I totally get you. Im in a very similar situation. Even the parents not getting on part. Except my parents both have memory problems thrown into the mix. Its really hard to cope with it all and Im very conscious of constantly talking about it with friends who arent in the same situation and just dont really get it. Its currently making my feel very sad and depressed.