Who ‘should’ have to look after my mother?

[LoopyLentil]

My mother is elderly with alcoholism and undiagnosed but fairly obvious personality disorder. She’s rude and unkind.

People keep telling me to step away, that I ‘shouldn’t have to’ but who ‘should’? Presumably they think the tax payer ‘should’ pay for carers who ‘should’ then do it because it’s their job even though they earn pittance? I just find it really hard to force her upon other people really and I don’t like the idea that I get on with my life while the tax payer and unappreciated carers get lumped with her.

@LoopyLentil I'm so sorry my friend this is happening for you, both of you.

I'm a carer and we deal with lots of people, violent people, drug addicts, lots of criminals who are released from prison and go straight into care due to their needs, lots of dementia sufferers can be extremely volatile, we care for paedophile, rapists, domestic abusers, because they need care.
I've once stopped two lovely staff members from helping an elderly man (without dementia) for calling them the most racist and derogatory names and told him that if he spoke that way to them again I'd be calling the police on him and reporting him for hate crime. It soon stopped.
My point is we as carers deal with some awful people, it's not just sweet old retired nurses or kind librarians who've gotten poorly and need care.
Lots of awful people need it and we (mostly) deliver it with professionalism and the same kindness we'd want shown to us should we ever need care. We're paid a pittance but that's the fault of society, not you to worry about! We're still paid, it's a job at the end of the day.
And your mum needs carers now, this isn't your responsibility.
I've cared for elderly relatives in my home before now until they passed but it's not something I could do with my own mum as sad as that makes me, our relationship isn't good enough for that. And as much as I would love a mother I could care for a spoil in her old age as I did other relatives, it's kindest for us both I don't put either of that strain on us.

She should take responsibility for her own life. My mother refused to get assessed by social services and a big part of the reason was she wanted me to be her carer.

@Lwrenn wow thank you so much for that perspective, I hadn’t actually considered that you might have to look after worse people than my mother! Really grateful for your post.

To answer some other points. We are way beyond her getting help for the alcoholism, she’s done various things over the years but for the last 10, if I’ve mentioned it then I get a tirade of denial, self pity and abuse hurled at me. I’ve given up.

She has barely a penny as it’s all gone on alcohol but she does own a house so I don’t know what that means in terms of her paying. I could probably pay something towards it, I don’t know how much we’re talking though and I do have two small kids.

I suspect she will refuse to be assessed initially. She refuses to go to the GP for anything (she’s definitely got dementia (alcohol induced I suspect from Dr Google) but has yet to see a doctor).

Why do you think you should be paying towards it? I guess she could get attendance allowance perhaps, not sure if it covers her problems or if she has other problems. I got a welfare advisor in to do my dad's, from the council. Dad said he was fine, but she said they all say that and had me fill her in on his problems. that can then be used for anything she needs.

It strikes me that you seem to be putting her before yourself and your own family. As you said you have your own children to look after.

I think if they do need a care home they can out a charge against the house, it might not need to be sold straightaway, however I am not an expert in that.

Step back OP. No taxpayer would begrudge this. She sounds awful.

Our society has chosen to accept collective responsibility for people like her. We - you included - pay into a shared pot (tax) so we can share out the burdens that are too much for one person to carry, and support people when they need it. Some of that is the cost of healthcare, some of it is the cost of education, some of it is the cost of looking after the small proportion of people like your mum.

Honestly, it’s fine. And absolutely you do NOT have to pay anything at all.

Her house will be counted if she needs to go into a care home, unless you are over 55 and living with her or there is a husband living there.

YOU personally should not be paying anything towards her care or anything else for that matter. It's 1) not appropriate given the long abusive history and present circumstances and 2) not your responsibility. Again, SS may try to insist that it is, but you really ought to get yourself familiar with the law and yours and her rights around things like the care act, and you will need to be SUPER assertive with SS.

(At this point I can only apologise that I sound like I'm anti-SS - I'm actually very admiring of social workers doing a very hard job , particularly with children and people with disabilities, and I have and I continue to be tempted to retrain as a SW, but when it comes to elder care the system seems to be geared towards one thing only, and that's getting out of doing what SS is supposed to be doing. You will need to be very strong and not give an inch in the face of this to get her the care she needs.)

We all pay our taxes to assist the state in caring for people who need care. So step back and let the state do what it is paid to do.

A complete stranger with whom you have no emotional bond has much less capacity to be horrible. If an elderly person snaps or shouts at a carer, they’re more likely to simply remark “she woke up grumpy this morning”.

And the carer can snuggle up with her partner on the sofa watching tv without twitching in anticipation of a phone call.

@LoopyLentil you’re getting great advice on here. Our circumstances were similar - different addiction but house, no money and complex relationships.

@Lwrenn thank you for your post and everything you do, it does take a team of people on shifts and I appreciate all of the team that look after DF every day so much.

@ThatAgileGoldMoose is right though - do not give any sense that you can support. Put yourself and your DC first. Do not suggest there is money you could contribute. Your DC will need your help in the future, unless you’re swimming in wealth your money should be for your family and your own future care needs.