Who ‘should’ have to look after my mother?

[LoopyLentil]

My mother is elderly with alcoholism and undiagnosed but fairly obvious personality disorder. She’s rude and unkind.

People keep telling me to step away, that I ‘shouldn’t have to’ but who ‘should’? Presumably they think the tax payer ‘should’ pay for carers who ‘should’ then do it because it’s their job even though they earn pittance? I just find it really hard to force her upon other people really and I don’t like the idea that I get on with my life while the tax payer and unappreciated carers get lumped with her.

It is completely understandable that you are feeling this way. You don't have to justify caring for your mother (difficult though she may be) however, you also don't have to remain in a caring position because of the plight of the taxpayer or the underappreciated workers in social care.

It sounds as if other people are trying to help (in their own way), by reminding you that you have autonomy, you can choose to step back without having to carry the guilt of her being neglected. Alternatively, you can choose to care for your mother because you feel it is your responsibility.

Just remember the choice is yours and you don't need to martyr yourself because there are no rewards for doing so, the value you find from caring for her needs to come from within you. If you're doing it as a people pleaser or because you want to protect the social care system, then you run the risk of resenting it and that can be harmful to your own mental wellbeing.

I thought a large part of council tax was for social care.

So, given that we pay the council to do this kind of work, they therefore “should” do it.

Thank you both. I wouldn’t feel guilt for neglecting her, as awful as that sounds. Just for making her someone else’s problem. I really appreciate the responses and perspective.

If she has her own money above a certain amount then she can employ people to care for her and they can quit or stay as they choose.

Social services will only fund if she basically doesn't have any money (I forget the asset limit off the top of my head).

That's assuming that they assess her as having care needs - being an alcoholic and an unpleasant person isn't a care need in itself.

If they don't think she has care needs (and being an alcoholic won't be enough) she'll be left to drink herself either to death or until she does have care needs.

I am in the opposite position where otherwise say I should step in, and due to years of difficult relationships with my M we are in almost full no contact. In my mind she has her own savings and house and if she wants to pay professionals then so be it. The reality is that unless someone really has very little in the way of savings/capital social services won't pick up the expenses. But often the older person will be more likely to listen to professionals than their own family.

Do what is right for you. Worry less about should and could.

If you don’t like her then being her carer is a really bad idea anyway. It’s hard enough when you do love them I should imagine.

She wouldn't be one person's problem though, and that's a big part of it, I think. She would be "in the system" and various agencies and social workers would do their bit. If she upsets individual carers too much they can refuse to work with her or move on, in ways that it isn't really possible for you as her daughter to do.

There is also the sad reality that SS will likely try to guilt you into doing way more than you're comfortable doing. I'm in a Facebook group for carers and it's increasingly obvious that SWers are just being told to outright lie and pressure family members into taking on responsibilities that are the SS or NHS' responsibility. If you step right out of it you sidestep ALL of the drama around it all. If you don't you get to be the person with ALL the drama and stress and mental load... AND you get to put up with your mum's abuse etc.

Thank you, these responses are so helpful. I think I’m starting to see that I can step away. She is breaking me all over again like she did when I was a child. I didn’t consider that any individual professional can just step away if she’s horrible to them.

What specific tasks is she unable to do herself?

As much as possible she needs to do it - even if it takes her a long time.

Once she stops, she stops - it's much better to maintain some level of independence, using adaptations where possible.

People frequently step in too early to help, which only leads to a faster deterioration in independence/mobility.

If she is assessed as requiring care, then she will be given it. The carers will have a low tolerance for poor behaviour and will be in the right to refuse care if she is abusive to them.

Why do you tolerate her rudeness and unkindness?

Oh gosh I've come to the thread as was going to start something similar.

Mums currently in hospital and they want someone to sort out her affairs so she can go home and I just don't know that I cna do it. Her flat needs industrial cleaning really and I don't have energy or money...

I have a meeting Monday with social worker and the nurse and I'm losing sleep over it

I get her on the phone each day begging me to fight for her/just bring X in/whatever but I can't be her carer. I'm exhausted.

And yes bipolar. Alcoholic and I feel so bad not being able to absorb her into my life but I can't.

Yes - so if social services are for example funding care at home then it will be contracted out to an agency,

It's common for agencies to "match" people to clients so for example my dad who had cancer had male carers who came and washed and dressed him because he expressed a preference for that.

Individual carers can also refuse to deal with particular clients - and in some cases groups of carers will not be matched to a client.

Often men with dementia can be quite inappropriate with women carers and so some men will have a "males only" tag on their file, for example.

Most agencies have some carers who are very experienced at working with the more difficult clients and are happy to take them on. Sometimes it'll rotate so they do a week or so and then move on.

Worst case if the behaviour is actually dangerous (violent etc) then the agency can hand back the contract and state increased care needs. That'd mean two or more carers and de-escalation and possibly restraint training.

The professionals are very experienced in these situations.

Thank you again all. To be fair she might not be so bad to a professional carer because she won’t be so bothered about their life. I am a disappointment to her so she has reason to be unkind to me (obviously I’ve had enough therapy to know that she doesn’t actually have reason but you know what I mean). Of course I’m not allowed to be disappointed that she’s been an alcoholic my whole life because that’s not her fault, poor her etc etc

I think you should let the professionals do their job, because that's what it is for them, a job. You have so many complex emotions around the situation which is perfectly understandable. You have a difficult history with her, and you owe her nothing.

Same to you @Milkandacookie. You have no obligation to be a carer. You deserve to have your life.

Of course you feel guilty. Children of alcoholics are trained to.

But she has made her own choices, independent of your needs and wants. As a taxpayer, I'd rather pay than have a child of an alcoholic feel beholden.

My mum is begging me to help her stay at home. It's all so sad. Her life ending up like this is sad. But the impact on me has also been awful.

People who can do the work without being personally distressed by it, targeted by her, and who work in teams and on shifts.

Not a single relative who feels she has no choice, won’t be paid and for whom the job will be far more damaging.

This is the UK, you have plenty of choice. You are not forced to look after her.

She won't have the sane impact on the carers as you. One they'll be a team, and two she isn't their mother. Look after your own mental health.

I’m sorry I don’t have any real advice but you seem like you have an amazing moral compass.

But I don’t think any good can come from taking on responsibility for her, and as a PP mentioned, it’s better to be completely removed than have even some responsibility.

Thank you. You’re all so kind, I feel a bit weepy. I spent my childhood thinking her drinking was my fault. Even now when she says she’s depressed because she wants me to have a handsome husband (I’m a lesbian so that will never happen), a party of me wonders if she’d have given up drinking if I did have a handsome husband and be the person she wants me to be.

This all sounds ridiculous now I write it out. I need to find some inner bravery

It's not your fault, or responsibility that your mother doesn't accept who you are. She is responsible for her own behaviour.

OP there is a site called Out of the FOG (FOG is fear, obligation and guilt) I think you would probably find helpful. Also maybe some counselling around this.

https://outofthefog.website

@LoopyLentil you sound very lovely and as PP said you clearly have a strong moral compass. I note @Orangesandlemons77 has signposted you to FOG website. Have a look around that it has some great information and the glossary of terms has expandable information going into more detail. If things are generally not great then further care from you will only bring resentment. Are you able to get her help with the alcohol dependency or is she not able to engage at this point?

Has she been assessed by Adult Social Services? If she hasn't been and you are the only one carrying the load, contact them and tell them she needs assessing as you are on the verge of carer breakdown and have to step back. They will assess needs and funds. As an alcoholic she'll be classed as vulnerable I think.

Who has PoAs? Does she have assets over £23,250 as she'll be self funding if so?

Just to say again, the fact that professionals can just meet our relatives as they are today, without the years and decades of emotion and pain on top, makes a world of difference.

The nursing home staff love my mum- they really do - they are so kind to her. But they don't go home feeling broken that she's no longer the woman she was, they don't cry, they don't wake up worrying about her. I don't really think about who 'should' be caring for her.

You know that your mum drinks because she's an alcoholic, not because she's depressed. And she's not depressed because you don't have a handsome husband (I'm sorry, that did make me laugh). The alcohol will make her more depressed of course.