Anxious and mentally exhausted

[Frazzledmummy123]

I know I have it a lot easier than some people on here, but I didn't know where else to post this.

My parents are in their 80s, both are relatively spritely given their age but obviously ailing in some ways too. There has been a lot of stubborness which has caused some frustration and worry, more details about that in previous threads.

DM is DF's carer. DF has lost nearly all his mobility, moves about the house, including a flight of stairs, grabbing furniture and walls for support. Has toilet and cognitive issues, and my mum has been showing signs of carer burnout/decline recently. Refuse all help and get quite beligerant if anything is suggested like home help, etc. Sarcy remarks, laughed at, you get the idea.

It feels like every time I see them, mainly my mum, there is something new to be worried about. A new ailment, a new sign of decline, more near misses with my dad nearly falling, and so on. I always come away from a visit feeling sad and stressed with worry. Any time my phone rings unexpectedly when I'm not with them, my heart is in my mouth. I feel like I am on standby for bad news any minute.

I know this is anxiety, and I have spoken with a therapist in recent months but it didnt help much. I am exhausted with the constant worry, and know things will probably only get worse. The only time the worry will release is when the unthinkable happens, which is obviously not something I want to think about. I.feel so guilty thinking about myself and my own feelings when it is worse for my parents themselves, but the worry can be crippling sometimes.

Has anyone learned any useful coping strategies on dealing with the anxiety?

Stopping by to say I know how you are feeling, OP 💐.

There are no magic solutions but it's hugely important to look after yourself first: plenty of time away, boundaries in place with your parents and someone to support and counsel you in your stressful role as carer. It is easier said than done, I know. If you are like me, you will have talked about the benefits of help at home until you're blue in the face. You probably may as well save your breath and perhaps ask their GP to have a conversation about the consequences of their refusal to have support.

Good luck!

Thank you so much. Sorry you have this stress too 💐

i had this - not with elderly parents but with an extremely stressful teen. I never knew what would be next. Things that helped me. a) CBT - was an enormous help b) anti anxiety medication was very useful to me / I resisted it for a long time but now I wish Inhad started it earlier!

@Frazzledmummy123 stopping by to offer a hug. Also don’t compare yourself to others you think have it worse - your situation is a priority for you and so typical of what seems to be a trend for the middle aged woman. Great resource here https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

I spent several years feeling exactly as you describe. In my case, it was when only one parent was left on their own. The high stress and absolute fear of the phone ringing only ceased when my parent went into a care home which at that stage was unavoidable.
I still suffer from anxiety and don't like the phone ringing now, many years later. I always assume it's going to be bad news.
I really do agree with the previous poster who suggested anxiety medication. I resisted this at the time, but have taken it since. I find propanolol especially useful and I think it might help you as it stops the physical symptoms of panic which you'll be getting when the phone rings. It's not ideal, but neither is the stress you are under and you are clearly doing the very best you can for your parents. I personally didn't find CBT very useful, but it may very well be helpful to you, so why not try it.
I'd make an appointment with your GP to discuss - I'm sure they'll be sympathetic.
Wishing you all the best, it's a difficult time.

What helped me was coming on here and realising that my father’s behaviour was absolutely normal for his age and state of health.

Try to get out of a feeling of responsibility and into a purely observing mode. They’ve told you they don’t want you looking after them; believe them. Then when they can’t cope, they will realise they need help. Beware of doing things that mask their needs, eg teach them on-line shopping rather than do their shopping for them.

Your role can be to keep aware of technology, services, etc so you are ready with a solution when they ask.

It sounds as if your father would be eligible for Attendance Allowance; sometimes elderly people will buy help with AA when they wouldn’t spend their own irreplaceable savings.

If you’re going to settle down and relax, put your phone on silent. You can’t relax with one ear alert for phone calls

I'm in the same position OP. The stubbornness and resistance is real!

I'm just trying to take things one step at a time and deal with issues as they arise. Get the PoA's in place if you haven't already.

@Frazzledmummy123 I sorted AA forms/application out a few years ago for my parents and they starting receiving it pretty quickly. Not relevant now as DF is in nursing care and it was for him. I explained to them it is free money to ensure you have the ability to buy things to make life easier around the house (which they point blank refused to accept was unmanageable/unsuitable/falling apart) and if DF needs things himself etc. Not only did they happily receive the money they decided that they would ‘save it for when they really needed it’. So did nothing. They are well off so the AA just rolled into one of their many accounts. Even when we explained you qualified for AA because YOU NEED it they just looked at each other shrugged. So they received about 5 years of full AA did nothing to help themselves with the money, then a crisis happened and DF had to be hospitalised for 5 months and then because their home was deemed unsafe for him a DoLs was invoked and he had to go into nursing care where he remains and will not leave due to deteriorating health……and unbelievably they/we pursued continuing healthcare CHC and were awarded it. So they have received and continue to receive thousands of pounds which is fine if they hadn’t spent all their lives moaning about (their words) benefit scroungers….yet my mother would have both my DF and anyone who will listen - well she gives the impression of the fact it is costing her money. Let’s say when anyone says ‘gosh isn’t nursing care expensive’ she never clarifies she is not paying anything other than a few pounds on spends/toiletries etc.