What to take / watch out for putting mum in care home.

[Radiog]

wants to take debit and credit cards and bank details, and forms for people to get money out on her behalf. Doesn’t seem wise!
how can she buy online but not get conned. How can she feel she’s in charge but not get conned.
and any other things to watch out for.
she is lucid but beginning to be forgetful.
bedbound so anyone can help themselves, she wouldn’t be able to stop them.
thanks! Sorry but brain now fried!

I wouldnt give any card/bank details out at all! If she needs something you would have to be responsible for getting it for her, do you have POA? You could perhaps give her a small amount of "pocket money" each week. Care homes usually invoice for papers, magazines, hairdressers etc. We have POA for PIL and buy any clothing, toiletries etc which they need and either have them delivered or take them ourselves.

She should take nothing of value at all. No jewellery and definitely no cards, cash or financial information.
Really, the safest thing to do is for you to have financial POA and manage all her finances. Yes, giving up her independence will be very hard for her, but IME it just isn't safe for her to do otherwise.

Write her name on everything!

I am afraid you will be replacing glasses, hearing aids, clothes constantly. Having an elderly relative in a care home is a full time job.

Also, what she is allowed to spend will be limited, depending on funding.

Name tapes are a must. And count on losing 50% of things and then randomly getting them back/losing them again.
Absolutely nothing of any value - if she has sentimental rings/jewellery, she must wear them all the time.
Sorry to be the bearer of such depressing news. It does depend on the care home, but if they have patients with dementia, they wander and pick up things from others' rooms. It's not so much stealing as being a magpie

I visited a good home recently and they had a safe/secure cabinet in each room. This meant toiletries and valuables didn’t walk. However, I agree cards and cash plus jewellery are not a good idea.

Also make sure all her clothes have name tags so they don’t get lost in the washing.

My DM was in a nursing home for over 6 years, we only left a few clothes there, if my Dad was going to take her out or she was going on an outing with the care home, he would take special clothes in. Her clothes all had name tags in, but still went missing. She smoked and unfortunately was always running out despite us leaving enough. There’s no way we would have left money or bank cards. The home operated an account system, so she could get her hair done, or get something whilst out with carers, then my Dad would put money on this account, but no more than £40, that was safe.

Bank cards? Jeepers, no. It's tricky enough keeping track of dentures.

She won't need any cash. Or bank cards. If you have LPOA for finance you can do any shopping she needs from her account.

Everything, I mean everything will go missing if not labelled. And possibly even then.

If your DM is sufficiently with it to buy online, she will be quite unusual within the care home. I think it’s quite cruel to say ‘No’ if she enjoys a little shop.
I’d ask the manager if they’ve ever had this situation before and how they tackled it.
I’d also explore a Monzo card with say £50 loaded by you.
However, your DM would not be typical. This is highly unusual. ( Although I also knew one resident at DM’s first care home who had her own car.)

😬

Absolutely no bank cards or forms. The office will have a system to hold some cash for her or run an account.

For online shopping something like PayPal would probably be the best bet - as long as she wouldn't stay logged in or give anyone else the password.

Check out Sibstar. It gives you control of what she can spend whilst also giving her the independence to spend.

I found some fake gold rings online. Swapped out Mum's wedding ring. She never noticed. This was after her own mother's wedding ring (which mum was wearing) got nicked by someone in hospital. It was huge, heavy and 22ct and distressed her a lot. I looked at cz replacement engagement rings too, ones that were a few tens of £. And the one thing we never thought of which went missing was the lovely silver photo frame that DS's photo was in.

I'd use stamptastic for naming as it's easy, quick and can stamp everything inc undies, shoes... or stikins.

Why does she need to be in a carehome? That can help work out how best to deal with these type of things.

I agree with not having anything that she/you would be heartbroken if it went missing. Unless you want to do all her laundry you do have to be a bit flexible on clothing although it sounds like she may be able to recognise her own clothes, in which case I would go through her wardrobe each visit and give anything that isn't hers back to staff. Despite labeling my mum is often wearing something I don't think is hers, but it is always the type of clothing she wears so I don't stress about it and she doesn't know. as mentioned by someone else for Christmas etc I take in an outfit and leave it in her chair labelled ' for christmas - do not wash' and this has so far worked

No clothes that need special care as they’ll just go through the hot wash.

Loads of good advice above. I'd recommend she takes some photos in when she moves. Not all as you'll need spares for when some go missing or even just to give her a change.

What little things make up her routines? Is there a talc or cream or soap she always uses? Or a radio station she usually has on?

I sewed proper embroidered name tapes into clothes and pyjamas; they still disappeared within a fortnight.

A special pillow was immediately replaced by the lumpiest most stained thing you ever saw.

A ‘carer’ was openly wearing my grandma’s engagement ring.

So bank cards- nope.

I'm management in a care home, all care homes are different and will allow certain things, ours prefers to keep all cash and debit cards in a locked safe in the office each wallet allocates to a different person, I wouldnt just allow them to take in anything as unfortunately there are bad seeds who will take advantage, we had a worker who stole jewellery, lots of it. Just be mindful as well that it's a big home with multiple residents, things are likely to get mixed up and go missing especially if sharing with those with dementia.

Forgot to add we personally will buy the residents anything they ask and take it out of their 'account' which is topped up by whoever controls their finances could be you

Sometimes they have a little shop trolley that goes round selling things like sweets, birthday cards or basic toiletries. The one at my relative's home took cash but only a small amount would be required.

Ouch @Marcipex !
I took very very closeup pics of the jewellery mum did have, as well as the hallmarks, and (crucially) a photo of her wearing them. I was once told to do this for my own stuff in case it was stolen.

@Heronatemygoldfish the ‘carer’ didn’t deny that the ring was grandma’s engagement ring; she said granny had given it to her.
She returned it, with a great deal of drama, when my mother threatened to call the police.

That is utterly brazen.
...so glad you got it back.