Divorcing in your 80s

[Oilcan70]

Hi all. I’m just wondering whether anyone has gone through this or could offer advice. My step Mum has told me she does not want to be with my Dad and they are both nearly 80. They live on the opposite side of the country to me. They rent a property and Dad is frail got a heart condition and is starting to become a bit vacant. If my step Mum wants my Dad to leave where would I start to get him into suitable accommodation? He only has state pension and no other income. I really don’t know where to start but would like to get him to the town where I live so we could be there for him.

Why would he leave and not her?

My step mum says that my Dad couldn’t afford to stay there alone. She has a work pension so she could just manage it. I see your point though. Very difficult situation.

What does your dad want to do? He might strongly object to moving to a town he's not familiar with, if that's the case. Will he have money from a house sale? He needs a solicitor.

He can apply for pension credit. Do this now as it is taking months to go through. Get the ball rolling with the divorce. He will need the income to prove he can afford the rent. Should be able to get housing benefit too.

This, and if she's got a works pension, will that not be taken into account in the divorce?

Will your dad want to move to where you live ? Talk to him about that. How long have they been married? Pensions are included as assets in divorce, so I’d not assume that she gets to keep it all. Advice from a solicitor is needed.

Do you suspect your dad has the beginnings of dementia?

Depending on where you live, and his health, could he apply for sheltered or extra care sheltered accommodation? He would need to be assessed to gauge if he was in need of extra care, but might be worth asking.

So what happened to 'in sickness and in health'? I mean he sounds like he has dementia. She's a bit of a cold fish to be leaving him now isn't she?

Her pension will be taken into account as part of the financial agreement

And he might be abusive towards her. Nobody is obligated to live a life they don’t want.

Don't be too quick to diagnose dad as being the problem. MIL was saying she wanted to leave FIL - he had been diagnosed with dementia but is still living semi-independently in assisted living and with home care once a week. It was found out that she was worse than him and is now in a care home with vascular dementia and a DOLS order.

If she wants him to leave then she needs to figure out how. Its his home after all.

He needs to update his will and perhaps look at you as PoA if not already done I would say.

It sounds like neither of them will be able to afford to live there alone. Does she not realise that she will have to share her pension?

You need to speak with your father first as he might already have his own ideas. I'm assuming SM has already told him she's done?

Thank you for all the responses. To answer the questions asked. There is no money from a house sale as it’s a rented place. My Dad is unlikely to want to move away from the home or town where he lives at this stage. My belief is that he won’t accept it if he is told that my Step Mum wants a divorce. He is a very unusual complicated man. I think he will be entitled to help and housing benefit etc but I’m just so worried about his age and condition and what a huge change might do to him. He’s 79 but more like 97 in physical condition. I’m going to send a letter to his GP and try to see if someone can be sent to make an assessment of the situation and go from there. Thank you again.

You could contact his local adult social services for an assessment of his needs. Or try Age Concern to see if they can offer any suggestions.

How long have they been married?

He'll maybe need to be quite careful when looking at splitting the pension if it's quite small, and ensure that it's financially in his best interests and he doesn't end up becoming ineligible for benefits but not much better off.

Is your mum serious ? Will she go and see a solicitor and do all the admin? I only ask as it seems as if she’s told you and now you are sorting it which is a similar relationship I had with my mum where they tell you rather than the person they should ie yiur dad. I spent lots of lunch hours looking at houses for my dad as my mum told me she’d had enough, with hindsight I should have left them to it.

Hi Torro. It’s my step Mum but yes it is like that where she blows up and vents at either me or her friends or sons. I’m trying not to worry and leave them to it until my step mum has made a decision. My brother and I will take it from there at that point. How did it work out for your parents?

Stayed together, warring as usual. My mum then had an affair and moved into rented accommodation as she thought the bloke would move in with her, of course he didn't, he stayed with his wife (she was probably about 65 he was 10 years younger). She moved back in with my dad, they were together for about 10 years still arguing, his health got worse, went into hospital, she refused to have him home (told muggins here who then sorted it all out) he came home for a little bit, kept falling, went into a home for about a month and then died.

I've massively pulled back now, I realised (lot of reading and therapy) that she had parentified me and we were very enmeshed.