Elderly parents - it's all just bloody hard isn't it.

[Neolara]

Mum has late stage dementia. She's in a lovely care home and I visit her twice a week. She can't talk, recognise me or even stand up by herself. If I'm lucky I get the odd smile in the hour I'm there. It's pretty upsetting.

Dad lives far away but is moving up to be close to me and Mum. He has a neverending list of things for me to to facilitate the move and accompanying building works. He doesn't quite seem to realise that I have a job that I have to fit everything around. He rang me yesterday to remind me of all the things I need to do for him at a particularly stressful time and I got cross and told him it was too much. He's now sent a message apologising and I feel sad and very guilty. He's desperately sad about mum, he's having to move to a completely new area, half his friends have died. He does genuinely need me to do all this stuff. It's just a lot to deal with. It all just takes a lot of time and sometimes feels too much.

Not really sure why I'm posting. Maybe wondering how you all balance everyone's needs while feeling sad and guilty.

It he's got good physical and mental health then he should be doing most things for himself.
Given that his wife's being taken great care of by professionals 24/7 he's got less on his plate to deal with than you have.

I feel for you. My mum has mid stage dementia and still lives at home with dad but he doesn't cope well and relies heavily on me.

Tbh, I am at breaking point with everything I do for them on an almost daily basis. I know it's so hard for my dad and like yours, he has lost many friends over the last few years and is losing his wife too. I feel so bad for them both so I go round 5 times a week but it's so hard when you have your own life too. I think they are so deep in their grief from this wicked disease they just can't see how much it affects those around them. I have yet to find the right balancing act for all of this and have actually made myself physically unwell from the constant stress.

I am actually dreading the time when mum goes into care because I know it will be down to me to do the lion's share of the visiting (my sister always says she's working).

Do you have any siblings to help out?

It is so tough for everyone involved with dementia care and I don't think there are any answers. I am sorry you are going through this too.

My mum passed from Dementia with Lewy Bodies, and it was incredibly hard. My father relies on me emotionally for everything, and it has contributed to worsening depression. It’s not easy at all to balance the needs of others and our own guilt, while not running ourselves down in the process. 💐

We've been there seen it done it. Husband has prostate cancer and we were sorting out the move and they did nothing to help. We kept saying to them pack your favourite things - pack your clothes - nothing done. He was having radiotherapy and then driving miles to clear out there house. It ruined ours and BIL's christmas because the stress was ridiculous.

I'm just so angry that they did nothing to facilitate moving or downsizing until it became a crisis for everyone. FIL eventually diagnosed with dementia and now MIL in a care home as her behaviour fell off a cliff when we moved them and diagnosed with vascular dementia and has a DOLS order.

Now MIL is contained we still get daily calls from the home - she's fighting, she's fallen and FIL visits her every day and they argue so we get calls about that. Its relentless. I dread the phone going.

Sympathies, OP - yes, it’s very hard.* Is your dad really not able to do any of this for himself?

*I well remember when we were both very hard pressed with different elderly relatives, plus my mother with dementia between us, my sister (who was usually much more patient and long-suffering than I was!) saying, ‘I’m sick to death of bloody old ladies!’
I certainly knew the feeling…

You might want to think about visiting less often. It sounds as though your visits are not benefitting your DM very much and are having a damaging effect on your own mental health. Maybe give yourself a break. The elderly parent phase of life is relentless and IME far more demanding/damaging than any issues with babies/toddlers/teenagers. You just want it to end but feel guilty for thinking it. Just remember you only get one life and try and prioritise yourself and your own partner/DH and DC, because if you don't dealing with elderly parents will become all consuming. I am totally sick of it, having to sort out the chaos they didn't bother to deal with (one deceased and one in care home). The only good thing is it has made me determined not to leave such a mess for my own DC.

It's really hard. I shouted at my mum for the first time ever?? I think during the time she was moving up to be near me. Felt dreadful. The whole move was an absolute killer. Looking back I was extremely recently widowed (dh died in February, Mum moved in to her flat in September). Not sure why I thought it would go well. Mum was terribly exhausted at the move. She needed a week doing exactly nothing afterwards- and she was in good shape for an 85 year old.

I hope you/he are able to pay more eg for full packing service, good conveyancing lawyer?With any luck some of the boxes need never be opened again...

Mum had a stroke 3 years after that and has deteriorated ever since. The visits sound a bit like yours. Just saying I know how draining they are.

Could he pay for and use a moving concierge service? It's like the next step after packing service. I noticed it existed when we moved (we only had packing service so can't comment on how well it works in reality).
www.pickfords.co.uk/pickfords-gold

It won't be what he wants. My DM was furious when my help with her move consisted of repeatedly signposting her to the removal company that offered packing as she thought I should come and stay for days and do the packing myself!

If you’re on Facebook there’s a support group called Carents Lounge.