Worries if being older mum

[Josiekitty]

I’m an older mum of a 17 year old daughter and I am a good 15 years or so older than mums of her friends. Lately she is getting really upset about my age and worrying that I’ll die while she is young. I’m struggling with this worry too. I just wondered if anyone has been though this and could help me support my daughter but also help me to stop worrying so much myself xx

A bit concerned that this is her focus at age 17. What's going on in her life? Is she studying, socialising, working? Has she got a Saturday job? Do you think she might be depressed?

Has something triggered this now? How old are you actually? Ie did all her friends mums have babies at 20 or 35? The demographics can sometimes be very distorted. You may be the average age for one area but seen as geriatric somewhere else.
So I will assume you mean you had her mid 40's???
I can't reassure you that her fears are completely unfounded I'm afraid as I lost my "older parent" young and it was devastating. I'm also unfortunately currently watching the impact on a 15 year old who is dealing with an 'older parent ' dying .

You knew when you had a baby late you would be older.
But why is she worried??? Are you keeping fit and active? are you at an age when people in the public eye are dying? Has a friend said something?? Do you try and keep young?
The only way to reassure her is to be healthy and point out in your own family everyone Ives to 100 ( if this is the case).
Nobody can say all will be ok because we know life does not come with garentees.

i had my last child at 45 and I am now 67 but he doesn’t think of me as as “old person” because I am still working and have an active social life . I hope to be around a long time but obviously there are no guarantees. Is your daughter worrying about life in general? With the increase in older mums there will inevitably some who unfortunately don’t see their children into adulthood . Has your daughter experienced a friend losing a parent?

But why is she worried??? Are you keeping fit and active? are you at an age when people in the public eye are dying? Has a friend said something?? Do you try and keep young?

Yes, this would be my focus. Why is she thinking like this and what are your responsibilities regarding keeping healthy.

Honestly, nobody can reassure you.

My father dropped dead at 46 (seemingly fit and healthy occasional marathon runner) and my step mother died at 63, also seemingly healthy until 6 months earlier. My younger sister was only in her mid 20s.

It's very much on my mind as I will be 60 next summer and my DC are 21 and 25. I was nearly 40 when my DM turned 60. It's one of the perils of having DC when older.

What you can do is make sure that you always keep on top of things so that should the worst happen it can be relatively straightforward for your daughter. Up to date Will, instructions on how to claim pensions etc.

To reassure your daughter, the life expectancy for a woman nowadays is 82. Do you have any female relatives who have lived to a particularly old age? They would be a good example for how long you could be around for.

Life Insurance.
As someone who had older parents who only just saw me into adulthood, it was all made easier by there being plenty of money that I didn’t have to worry. And good friends of my parents who took over being significant adults, and later surrogate grandparents to our kids.

I just think whatever’s coming for you is coming for you. My parents were fit healthy non drinkers/smokers in excellent fettle until suddenly a year apart they weren’t, one 62 the other 68.
We had a neighbour drop dead at 46 last month, it can and does happen, but the likelihood is that you’ll get old and be troublesome to her that way!

Agree with the others, sounds like she is anxious and is pegging that anxiety on your age. How old actually are you? I’m 58 and my 22 year old son is always on at me to eat better. Mainly i think because he’s quite anxious and doesn’t want me to drop dead. I’m only a little plump and feel fine but I can see how it worries him.

I think you just have these moments of clarity about your parents as you grow up. Sometimes it's more positive e.g. "Oh actually, they're just a person like me, not infallible and all knowing". And sometimes it's the harder ones like "They're going to die"
As PP have said, all you can do is be positive, set a good example, have plans. Acknowledge the issue but don't fixate on it.

What has triggered her talking about this? Are you discussing retirement or something that might have emphasised age? Or had a health scare?

I lost a parent in my 20s. Not an "older" parent, a conventionally aged one. A couple of people at school lost theirs in their teens or younger, to cancer or accidents.

It happens but obviously more likely if you are older. Are you fit, healthy and active? Have you got things in place in case something happens - other interested adults in her life?

I spent years worrying about my mother when she hit 70. But a few of my friends parents who were much younger died since. My mum is still going strong at 85! So I've stopped worrying. Tell her not to waste her years worrying about you, life is for living not for worrying.

I'm an older mum too. So I'm going to start taking of myself properly. I have to say having an older parent puts life in perspective and I live close to my mum and see her often.

Same, so much worrying and trying to 'parent' my DM. I've backed right off and we have much better relationship.

Is there a reason for her to be worried?

A family member of mine was quite unwell recently and his children got quite annoyed with him because he now needs an operation but can't have it because his health is so bad (overweight, hugely sedentary)

I'm not saying for one minute this is you, but in our situation, his children are right to be worried about him.

How much older are you @Josiekitty? I have a 17 year old and have been mistaken for her DGM more than once. My utterly charming DM usually thinks it's absolutely hilarious 🙄

As others have said, it is a bit usual for her to have this focus at her age.

What has she got going on in her life right now? Is she working and studying? Does she go out with friends?

I don't know if it's that unusual for her to worry. My parents had me at 25 and I clearly remember going through a phase at 16 of deep worry about what would happen if they both died. If they both went out in the car together, I hated it. I had no reason to worry especially and was very happy otherwise. I think it can be just part of growing up and becoming more aware of the world around you.
I too am an older parent and I think reassurance that paperwork is in place and a brief explanation of where it all is, together with looking after yourself, will go a long way to help her.