Anger towards my mum

[Lainefromthetrain]

Hello all
I feel the need to vent/share with people who don’t know me or my mum.
She’s 92 and has been widowed for ten years.
She Has a diagnosis of ‘undetermined dementia’. Unsurprisingly it’s impacted her short term memory. It has also accentuated other character traits - can be quite unpleasant to people, racist (which is interesting given my ex husband is West Indian and we have two children!) inconsistent with arguments or opinions etc.
All of this I can just about tolerate if it wasn’t for the undercurrent of anger I feel in regards to her lack of general planning for her old age. Her entire life has been about living for the here and now, with quite a lot of responsibility given over to my step dad.
She generally has a cavalier attitude to authority, money, rules etc and can be critical when I show concern about these things or refuse to break the ‘rules’
She refused to move when I first raised it and now the chickens are coming home to roost. Old house, no downstairs loo, garden that needs attention - the usual. All her money is tied up in the house which I will need to sell to move her into a home, which is what she is mum saying (today at least) that she wants to do.
I run her life - organised carers, meals on wheels, manage her finances etc. I have POA for both money and health and have little help from my brother who has a tricky relationship with her, which I understand. )She is responsible for this and her dogmatic attitude meant they were estranged for 15 years.)
She is grateful and I know she cannot help her dementia but I am just so bloody angry that her lack of planning is impacts my life so much and is making things more difficult than they need to be. I have a full time corporate job and a partner who lives 200 miles away so I don’t have the luxury of time.
My kids aren’t interested in her - she took my side in the divorce etc.
My anger seems to be increasing and it’s not fair on either of us. Has anyone else experienced something similar?
Thanks for reading.

It's very difficult and I sympathise. I've just finished looking after my mum, who has dementia, and was also angry at her for other reasons.

I had to dig deep. I tried to see her as an elderly woman who needed my help to survive, irrespective of the past. So I continued to cook her dinners and look after her as best I could, irrespective of her past behaviour.

I can only suggest you take a step back, as it's so easy to let past resentment build up, and see her as someone who needs your help and depends on you. It won't be forever and you'll look back and be grateful you were kind.

You're going to have to find a way to get over your anger or it will eat you alive. Anger is such a destructive emotion. It's like poison. Maybe consider getting some counselling to help you reframe things or methods to unpick your anger and let it go.

In the meantime yes it's totally infuriating and makes you want to scream and burn the whole place to the ground.

If you decide you've had enough and can't handle it, you can relinquish POA and leave her to the mercy of adult social services. Taking on these things is a thankless task. Nobody would blame you.

Thank you. You both speak a lot sense.
I am generally a kind person who finds it easy to empathise with others and I do feel for her in regards to her dementia. But this only goes so far and that’s the issue.
I am going to get some counselling support - I think that’s a sensible suggestion. I don’t want her last days to be like this. Thanks.

I'm so glad to have helped. I also recommend both the Alzheimer's Society and Dementia UK which were a godsend with navigating my mum's needs.

Being a carer to a parent is the most exhausting, draining, stressful thing I ever did. It went on for years and years and I became very depressed, very angry and very resentful at the chaos that engulfed my life and that I had no control over.

Carer Burnout is very real but the only people who understand are those who have gone through it.

Trying to deal with someone with dementia just makes it worse because you can't get a straight answer so you go round in circles till you pull your hair out.

Mine went on until after 5 years I told social services I wasn't doing it anymore (my own health was seriously suffering). At this point they were forced to get her a place in a nursing home. I still had to sell the house and sort out paperwork but at least someone else was looking after mum.

So maybe try this and force social to sort out a nursing home. (My mum was self funding)

I have felt the same feelings, although my mother was better prepared than yours (having moved to a small bungalow some years ago and at least conceding to having visiting carers for a year or two).

When she had to move to a care home we found one who would defer the fees until her property was sold. We just had to show it was on the market iirc. It came at a price - some interest - but would have given us breathing space had we needed it. As it happens, we were able to find enough from her savings and loans from me and my brother to pay for her first year, sold her house within that year, and then she died after 13 months in the care home and we never needed to enter that scheme.

At 92 she doesn't have long to go. Now that she's said she wants to move to a care home that's a big step and a battle you don't have to face. Try and get stuck into the practical stuff, it will take your mind off the resentment and anger.

So sorry you and your mother are at this sad stage in your lives.

I hear you and had that same frustration as I too saw it coming. She wouldn't move house and never did agree to go into a care home. However I did eventually réalisé that if she had moved sooner to a better property nearer me - we had one lined up - she would have deteriorated quicker mentally. Being in her familiar if unsuitable home meant she could still do some things for herself. Even in a similar house she became quite helpless and panicky and utterly lost.

Echoing therapy as a good way to help you to reframe what is, and to avoid being eaten up by anger. It's a tough road - get all of the help you can.

She refused to move when I first raised it and now the chickens are coming home to roost. Old house, no downstairs loo, garden that needs attention - the usual. All her money is tied up in the house which I will need to sell to move her into a home, which is what she is mum saying (today at least) that she wants to do.

Given she wants to move to a care home, it wouldn’t have made much difference if she’d “moved to somewhere more suitable”. You’d still have been managing the move and selling a house. You’d have had a lot more savings to manage. And given dementia can be there years before it becomes obvious, the move may have given a downturn in her dementia.

It’s understandable you’re angry with the situation, all this work foisted on you without your permission. I suspect you’re angry at the situation but needing to find someone and something to blame.

You could abandon the PoA, but it’s clear you care for your mum, and giving up the PoA would leave you with the care and worry while removing any ability todo anything about it.

You don't have to do any of this.
Just ring social services and and tell them that you don't want to have anything to do with her and she's their problem now.
I don't understand why people who don't even like their parents take all this on...

I’m in a very similar situation, but no dementia but always been a difficult character. I’m so annoyed no future planning thought of. Always used to people doing everything for her and now she expects me and others to do stuff she is perfectly capable of but just doesn’t fancy doing it. Uses me as her taxi service.

I don't understand why people who don't even like their parents take all this on...

You don't understand how children love their parents and don't want to just abandon them to the state?

No, you I don't. the op doesn't like her parent so why put both of them through all this
Life would be much easier for everyone if they were more truthful and just told people how they feel.

Adult children can’t just lose 10
years of their lives to unpaid nursing, accountancy and housekeeping 24/7.

Not won’t, can’t. No one supports women financially any more.

Not won’t, can’t. Dementia is not a disease the unskilled should try and nurse.

Not won’t, can’t. Two fit men need to work a hoist to change an old person’s nappy. Not a job for a lone woman.

Sermon over. Everyone gets the resentment OP.

The shit parents are the ones who are nightmares in old age, in case you hadn’t already realised. You had.

A lot of bad personality traits are associated with developing dementia. I got this medical
observation deleted by MN once, but it’s true - not for everyone, naturally.

As everyone except doctors knows, there’s also the crossover period where the oldster maintains capacity (sort of) but turns nasty and unreasonable, refusing future proofing, before they tumble into the more obvious madness and memory problems.

Dementia deteriorates personality and empathy before it shows as not recognising their own home. Some people maintain a core good personality.

It’s not pretty. It’s not a job for the unskilled if you care about the person - they need to
maintain a family relationship with you for as long as possible, practical care is fine not to do.