Feel guilty all the time

[TashaLB]

I have never felt as low and depressed as I do now. I’m in my 40s, I spent 4 years supporting my Mum when she passed away very slowly, this was also during Covid so had my Dad to support as well. I have siblings but found I was doing everything from medication delivery, food shopping, cleaning their home and everything else! Hospital runs, holding my Mums hand as she passed slowly, I had just come out of theatre that night as well, I remember feeling hopeless as I was in pain myself.

Straight after this my Dad relied heavily on me, I had no time to mourn my Mum, I was taking my Dad to mental health clinics as he wanted to end his life, it broke my heart. I remember the Dr saying is your daughter not worth staying here for and the answer was no. I didn’t get a chance to heal from my operation, ended up sick and even with pneumonia the calls from my Dad never stopped, it was endless.

My Mums funeral I went shopping for her burial clothes myself, took my Dad to the funeral home and to see the Priest, arranged all the flowers and the entire service, not one sibling wanted to help!

I was made redundant twice! Had a full abdominal hysterectomy in that year, but still as I was trying to recover the phone calls and his suffering is all I heard!

One year later I’m still doing everything for him, I get calls in the middle of the night he has fallen, I have to rush down and wait for paramedics, I have to go in work the next day so tired! He’s now been diagnosed with heart failure, Alzheimer’s and had a TIA. I have to do every hospital appointment, Drs, I am trying to get him into sheltered but the council are not supporting me, he is in a big 3 bedroom home that he can’t look after, it’s a mess! I do my best but I work, have a husband, son and two dogs! He can’t shower as he has a shower over the bath, the house is too old to put a wet room in! I’m fighting all this as well. I get about 6 to 10 calls a day even when I’m at work, my boss keeps looking at me and I know he’s getting agitated but I’m scared not to answer the phone just in case he’s in serious trouble, it’s because he is lonely and wants to say he hasn’t slept well, or his hands are sore.

I’ve begged my family for help but they don’t help! I feel desperate and so tired and more than anything guilty. If I don’t work I can’t pay my bills, I can’t feed my family. If I do work I’m at risk loosing it because I don’t get a day without this. I love my Dad so much, we had always been so close but now I dread when the phone rings, he gets so angry, shouts and snaps and is always needing more!

No one is giving me the help I need, Drs, specialists, council even the local MP. I’m exhausted and really feel like I can’t hold this together anymore! Every family member leaves me to deal with it myself, they just ignore it, he used to ask them for help but he doesn’t anymore as they always say they are to busy. I don’t know what to do anymore and I feel like the worst daughter in the world!

I’m sorry for your loss. You are the best daughter to have taken on all of this. I’m so sorry, it sounds horrendous.

Dementia is cruel, it changes people. He’s no longer the person he was, try and let go of what he’s saying as it may get worse.

Has your dad had a social services assessment? You need to tell them you are no longer going to provide care, you must be firm. You aren’t doing it anymore. (As long as you are doing it all, nothing will change). Say he either needs carers or to move to supported asap and (if he owns his home, will be self funding).

Hopefully others will be on soon who will know more.

Please stop doing all this for your dad. Someone else will have to do it.

If you don't stop you are going to have a breakdown yourself and now that will help no one.

Just tell social services that you are not able to answer your phone at work anymore and that you can't answer it at night.

But please put yourself first. Someone else will have to take care of your dad. No one will do anything if you carry on helping him. You have to stop now.

Gosh this sounds awful. Very gently, you’ve got to stop being such a doormat. Your dad doesn’t care about you so why are you doing this? You have to prioritise yourself, your husband and your son. Quite frankly, your dad can sod off and I’d have told him that after just one day of the nonsense you’re dealing with.

I’m telling this for your own good, you are making yourself ill and you’re not going to receive any medals. You had a hysterectomy! If I’d had a hysterectomy and a parent behaved like your dad I’d never speak to them again.

Just stop...seriously, you will run yourself to the ground if this carries on.

Contact adult social care in your area, tell them you cannot carry on as a carer anymore and your father requires an urgent assesment.

That sounds really rough on you. My parents are both very elderly and although still live independently I am the only person that does anything. The phone calls drive me insane too. I have stopped answering the phone all the time. Don’t answer it whilst at work. Tell him he will have to wait. Have you tried your local council or Age UK to ask for some advice. He is your dad and you love him, I totally get that. But you need some assistance from somewhere. The more you do the less help you will get. You have to be very persistent which is tiring. I once read a post on here from a lady that was in a similar position. The never ending calls and she was the only person doing anything. In the end she said to herself ‘ let the crisis happen’ and that’s what she did for her own sanity and to get some help. The council stepped in eventually. It really struck a chord with me. Because the crisis isn’t really a crisis, it’s just another request . He needs more assistance than you can give. I hope you manage to get something in place asap.

I could have written so much of this, including the bit about not being worth living for! It’s exhausting, I had a bit of a breakdown the other week when I realised just how worn out, and depressed, I had become, and it is 100% to do with the strain of being the only support for my Dad. You’re definitely not alone in feeling like this.

Please take a step back. Get carers in, the more you do the more hands off social care will be. It is totally consuming caring for elderly parents whilst trying to work and run your own life- don't feel guilty you are doing 10 X your fair share already. You must prioritise your job and your families security x

It’s not that OP’s Dad doesn’t care. He’s got dementia it’s an illness and they don’t realize what they are doing. It’s really really hard OP . Caring for someone with Dementia is so difficult.Can you call age uk for advice? Has he got carers coming in ? It would take some pressure off ? Maybe see your own GP and tell them you’ve got carer burnout.

My Dad refuses to believe he has Alzheimer’s and said the specialist, scans and tests he done proves nothing, it’s heart breaking to see the change in him. He wants to move in here with my family but I can’t can’t give him the care he needs. He has started speaking in ways he never has even sexual comments about his past which make me feel uncomfortable. I ignore it, never react or tell him he is wrong. I have rushed down to help him from the ground due to falls, most times I can’t get him up as he weight about 20 stone, in 5 ft tall, or he’s naked in the shower which means I have to call paramedics. I got him care at home but because they come to him at 7 am he asked them to leave and refused all care, they’ve never been back and that took me months and months. He said if he goes near a care home he will smash it up, he will only go to sheltered around the corner and nowhere else. Everything is difficult, I try to help, contacted social services, the council, his GP, begged hospitals to put something in place before they release him but they don’t. I’ve even written to the MP who’s contacted the council, I’m waiting to hear back.

I am so lost as what to do next. I know he’s hard work but I can’t watch him suffer nor can I give him the care he needs!

I think this bit were they are clearly ill but still have capacity is really complicated. My mum wouldn’t hear of carers and would say her memory problems had been sorted out. Now further down the road the carers are a huge part of her life. She just thinks they are friends . I think Îd call the paramedics every time he falls. Don’t try and lift him. You need help and if it’s by calling emergency so be it.
Has he got attendance allowance ? And a council tax rebate ? Maybe you could use attendance allowance for a private carer to come in at a different time in the day? Say they’re a cleaner?

The sheltered housing round the corner may not accept him if he has dementia. My mum keeps saying she wants to go to similar accommodation and doesn't accept that she has alzheimer's. We tell her there's a long waiting list and so she had accepted care visits "until she gets to the top of the list".

I realised recently when lying awake worrying about DGCs that I’m no use to anyone if I’m ill or dead. I’m most use if I’m physically fit and mentally alert but unstressed. So make sure I look after myself first.

You can’t cure your DF. Are you in the UK? I don’t understand why social services haven’t been approached.
Dont answer the phone - nothing will be done as long as you keep saving the day.

I’ve reported this to adult social services numerous times and this as far as it gets, me reporting they don’t act. The issue I have with not answering the phone is he calls me when he has fell so not answering the phone leaves me to worry he’s laying there in pain. It’s a really horrible situation

My DM fell and phoned me in the night - I was making the 40 min drive to her home but there were emergency workers there when I arrived as she'd decided to call them too.
I would say your DF would do the same.

If he's using a phone to call you when he falls he can just as easily call someone else or the emergency services.

I use Do Not Disturb on my phone so that I don't even know mine has called or sent me a message during working and commuting hours. It was becoming impossible to concentrate on work otherwise and that has to be the priority because I have a young child and a mortgage to pay.

You have to take the long term view not the short term view. Long term he needs viable care. Social services aren’t going to place him as a priority while you are doing everything, and he’s not going to accept outside help if you rush round at a moment’s notice. By dealing with his immediate need, you are preventing him having a long term solution.

you’re right, it’s shit.