Keep getting cross with elderly mother

[PaperbackWrighter]

I am really struggling with my 83yo DM. Prone to bouts of depression, she recently got over the last episode which was brought on by my DS's drink problem. This lasted about 18 months through which time she did take anti-depressants (and still is) but didn't get talking therapy of any description (despite having the means to pay for it). She tried a couple of counsellors but didn't like it - they made her feel worse she said (I think because she went there and wanted reassurance for anxious thoughts and she felt they said what she calls the wrong thing) and she was even sick before she went to one of them she was so afraid.

It's become clear in recent weeks that she's become depressed again (in part the continuation of my sister's drink issues) but also that I was diagnosed with cancer in June. (It's early stage, I've had surgery now and am waiting to start radiotherapy).

Today she has had a hell of a time with my drunk DS ringing up and talking a load of nonsense. But it seems she's also been ringing her up a lot as she got so anxious about her wellbeing. Even before my diagnosis, I've have always taken a hard line. Get off the phone if she's drinking. Don't listen. But then she contacts me to tell me and discuss it but I just can't. Cancer treatment is enough to be dealing with. Going back to work is enough. Trying to walk my dog twice a day and all the other stuff. All with continuing pain (which is getting better) from surgery.

Trouble is, she has said she has no one else. She won't talk to friends about her depression or my sister's drinking (apart from one occasionally), she won't go to mental health professionals, she won't ring helplines. She leads a very sad and lonely life and she really wants to talk about it with me. But I can't. And then I end up getting quite cross. Just now I told her I don't want to speak to her every night, I can't be her speed dial help. Sorry for the Novel!

I am really sorry for what you are going through. You absolutely need to have nights off speaking to your mum as you have enough to deal with right now. It’s not fair for you to be her sounding board.

💐 for you. Awful.

How much sympathy are you getting? How many weepy calls are you making? For your cancer?

Thought so.

They ought to be ashamed of themselves. Say it.

Trust me, DM won’t give a shit. DS won’t either. But you might get a bit of peace.

You are being so supportive of her and who is supporting you? Take a step back and ring fence some times when she can’t call you, when your phone will be on mute.
Would it be possible to get Age Uk to put her on the list of a volunteer calling her once a week for a chat? She might refuse at first but then she may well enjoy a new person to chat to.
Good luck going forward, can you plan something nice for yourself for when your ordeal is over ( and you’ve recovered from the treatment?) A week by the seaside far away?

Hello @PaperbackWrighter . Not sure what I can offer, but didn't want to read and run as we've been in contact before and I know a bit about what you're going through.

Certainly you're justified in feeling cross - you have enough on your plate without having to support anyone else, even your mum. And yet you have been supporting her by setting up the LPOA.

Sounds like a well-established dynamic - she can't deal with her own issues, is also burdened by your sister, and comes to you about herself and your sister.

And you're well justified in setting limits. It's self-preservation and survival, really.

The only nuts-and-bolts thing I can think of is getting her meds adjusted. Sometimes it's possible to get parents in to the GP on some non-threatening pretext, e.g. a blood pressure check, and alert the GP in advance to open up the depression topic.

In the meantime, sending good thoughts your way.

xx,
SR

You both have a lot on your plates.

I'm sure she's distressed about her other daughter's drinking. Your sister is out of order, very typical of an alcoholic.

It's hard for many older people to manage anxiety or depression through talk therapy. Many were brought up in the days of the stiff upper lip and trained from childhood to bottle feelings, soldier on bravely, mind over matter - all that useless BS.

Older women were often conditioned to never hang up the phone on people, always make themselves into doormats, etc. They can sometimes expect other women in their lives to do the same for them and feel they're being rejected and mistreated and that life is very unfair if their grown daughters can't or won't act as therapists, emotional punchbags, etc. in return.

The net result is that your mother will accept your sister's phone calls and set no boundaries with her, but expects you not to have boundaries either regardless of what's going on in your life.

Can you take a deep breath and get her back to the doctor for anti depressants? Would she be willing to try Al Anon (for families who are affected by a loved one's drinking).

Is there anyone else in your own life you can lean on for support at this time? It must be very distressing for you not to have her full attention and care.

There is a very supportive cancer section here on MN for starters, and while it's not the same as the loving concern of your own mother, it's something.

@PaperbackWrighter didn’t want to run off. So many threads of similar tales on here about our ‘stubborn or resistant to help’ elderly mainly mothers. I am trying to see it from a different perspective. WE as the solution finders, listening ear, shoppers, cleaners etc are possibly the problem. Hard as it is if you stepped back, what would be the worst that happened? I know we all get told about setting boundaries but they often go out of the window in the reality of these situations. I am currently holding a line with our mother of ‘Mum you have food, you have a very nice roof over your head, we have acknowledged you are not coping with life and we have had a private referral where you acted perfectly normally. Mum you clearly do not like you situation which is a shame but having pointed you in the direction of lots of very good help, talking therapy, small local groups of people in similar circumstances, you have made a conscious decision to not engage with anything that may help you. We are not medical professionals and we cannot just keep sitting with you listening to you moan. When you eel ready to help yourself please let us know.’ It sounds harsh but so much time is wasted listening to absolute nonsense about problems that just do not exist such as the home not talking to her. She literally puts up a hand to stop any staff speaking. They are so lovely but she is difficult. Tough love might be your only way and it is impossible to please or help some people. Take care of yourself as ever I will use my old favourite’put your own oxygen mask on first’.

Thanks @ShrubRose - much appreciated. Yes, I really feel that it's survival and self-preservation for me. I can't risk not looking after myself. It's tricky as I feel so sad for my mum but it's that real oxygen mask thing I think another poster mentioned. Good call on the meds - she does have fairly regular check-ins with the GP but I may suggest she asks about upping the antidepressants. I think she could be open to it.

Thanks again
PW xx

Thank you everyone for your input. It's helped me to feel less bad about leaving my DM on her own to deal with her emotions. But she has to know I don't have the bandwidth for it.

@mathanxiety that's really insightful what you were saying about older women being taught to bottle up their feelings and not complain, and to never hang up/act like doormats then expect their adult daughters to do the same. Sad for them really, but I guess the bottom line is it can't also be sad for us too. She's already on ADs but I may suggest she speaks to the GP about adjusting the dose. As for Al-Anon, she went once with me and didn't like it/couldn't hear much (she has terrible tinnitus). All roads lead to sitting at home not seeking help sadly.

@BlueLegume your approach is very interesting and I'm going to try to adopt it myself - I've provided suggestions and offers of help (find counsellors other than the ones I already have, give helpline numbers, suggested buddying services, ringing friends to suggest meeting up) but she won't try anything. So I need to leave ball in her court to an extent.

@Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson I have 4 days planned by the seaside end of next week before my radiotherapy starts! Can't wait!

@Supersimkin7 thank you - I need to put myself first a bit more I think. DM and DS have both been there for me through this in many ways that I didn't focus on in my post (as I came on here to complain about them!). And I think DM's age and vulnerability is not helping her atm. But my boundaries are firmly set and I can't listen to others' woes right now, even those I love most.