In hospital

[Afraidofit]

Hi everyone, I've finally realised I've come to the end of the road with beig able to care for my MIL who has lived with us for 12 months. She has been is hospital for a week and it's been a relief. I realise how much I've felt like I've been coursing from one hospital admission to the next, always being on standby, always legging it back from work when she's fallen. I can't do it any more and I have to tell her that she needs to go into a care home. I'm exhausted. How have people had this conversation with their loved one? I've realised that while she has been in hospital I've actually loved spending time with her in a way that I haven't in months. Doing her nails and hair. I just want to visit and dip out, she has nowhere to go other than a care home or our home.

I didn’t have the exact conversation as my dad went to a cottage hospital rather than home but wasn’t keen on that. We were able to get lots of relevant professionals together along with me and him and they all gave their advice/opinions. Sometimes it helps if it comes from others.

My dad did then go home and was fine for a while but when he further deteriorated, I was very firm about what I could and couldn’t do.

I wish you all well, it’s very hard.

Op, please don’t feel bad this. You have done so much.The hospital should have a discharge coordinator who you should talk to and be clear that going home to you is not an option.
saying to your dm that she needs to go to a nursing home “ until she’s better” might make it easier?

My mum was in hospital after a fall when I realised I couldn't cope with her at home again. I spoke to the discharge nurse who involved a social worker and they told mum she would not be able to go home for a while but should try residential care until she was stronger. She was furious - I don't know if she ever forgave me - but I kept reiterating that it was out of my hands and I had no choice in the matter.

I approached it with my Dad exactly how you’ve described. I told him I wanted to have that time as his daughter again, rather than carer.
My cousin had broached the subject of a nursing home a couple of weeks earlier in a separate conversation, so it wasn’t totally out of the blue. Good luck. I know how you are feeling x

Hi everyone she is still in waiting for and intermediate care bed. I have been to see her. She looks very frail hopefully moving soon though. We have put her on a waiting list for a care home as a back up and will broach it with her closer to the time. She keeps saying she thinks I can do all the things she needs. I'm trying to be sparing with the truth without lying. It's awful 😖

If she's your MIL where's your spouse in all this? do they agree?
Does MIL have capacity?
Does your MIL own/part own the house she/you live in? If she does (and has capacity) then she will have every right to come back to her 'home'. You of course don't have to care for her.
You will need to be precise, proactive and firm with hospital/social workers if you don't want her back living with you or that's precisely where she'll end up. You will need to say to the 'professionals' that no, MIL can't return to your house.

@Bankholidayhelp no she doesn't own any part of our house (neither do we) we rented it for several years before she came to live with us. She has sold her house so has money if she needs it to pay for things. She came to live with us as we thought she was quite literally dying sland we couldn't obviously leave her to be on her own if she was in her last days. She started getting better but never well enough to function without significant help. We have plugged the gaps with constant full time care, never being away for more than an hour meals etc and it's been exhausting. Even with four visits a day we would struggle now. I love her but found myself feeling ratty with her. We have visited every day, I've showered her done her nails etc and actually enjoyed being with her rather than the daily endless lists of repetitive tasks.

Husband is also in agreement. He provides ALOT of support but he is not the one doing he toileting and bottom wiping. She still has dignity and capacity.