Mother has accused daughter of having affair. could this be early dementia?

[donttellthem]

DM 85yr old has been behaving strangely to my 58yr old DS. My DS asked her what was up today. DM has accused her of having affair.DS is happily married.

DF is in a care home several miles away.DS arranged for an acquaintance (Bob) to drive DM there three times a week to see DF. Bob (70yrs +) is a godsend and also drives DM to appointments when DS or I are working.

DM has accused DS of having an affair with Bob which is so untrue and a ludicrous idea. DM is also a bit funny about money generally and is less engaged with whats going on (she used to always like to talk about question time etc etc) but now has little interest in things generally.

Her mobility has worsened considerably over the last year.

I understand DM is missing DF (he's been in a care home for over a year) and that she may be frustrated with lack of mobility. DM can be a bit off hand at times but this accusation is another level and has really upset DS.

She has an expectation that we will do everything for her (calling it 'payback time' ) and rarely says thank you. We didn't have a great childhood.

Has anyone else seen a similar pattern of behaviour?

Yes change in personality can be a sign. Would she consent to her GP referring her to a memory clinic? This is usually the path to a diagnosis. Sounds really difficult for you OP.

Thank you @LouLou198 for your sound advice. I'm seeing DM at the weekend and will talk to her. I've suggested my DS seeks counselling help.

I couldn't pass by and say nowt. I think an assessment would be wise. Sometimes folk with possible Dementia can say all sorts of things and make allegations which are totally over the line. I'm so sorry this has happened love. I would definitely have a word with the GP with regard to a referral for a robust assessment.

This is definitely a sign. My husband's grandfather started accusing his sisters, (who lived close to him and saw him nearly every day), of absolutely outrageous things. One sister was apparently sneaking into his garage and stealing his car's battery. Repeatedly. It was never stolen or missing. He accused the other sister of stealing all of his food. Repeatedly. He accused them of stealing his furniture, even his bed. Nothing was ever missing. It actually got to be really, really bonkers for a while, especially when he kept ringing the police.

It does sound as if it could be dementia. My DM became convinced that her sister had ‘stolen’ their mother’s house, and that a neighbour’s son had stolen her garage, when in fact she’d given him permission to use it, after selling her car.

Then she would say really upsetting things about my dh and dds - they were stopping me from visiting her, they didn’t want me visiting her. She’d never even have thought such things pre dementia.

FiL would tell us all sorts of things nobody would ever want, had been stolen - neighbours had even stolen the manky pedestal mat from his downstairs loo! In fact SiL had taken it away and burnt it!!

It was all incredibly upsetting and wearing - you have all my sympathy, OP.

@Aquamarine1029 @Donenow1 @GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

Thank you so much for your messages and support. I'm very emotional reading them. It helps to know we are not alone. Very frightended for what's ahead.

MN at its best.

You could see if she can be tested for a UTI. That can give similar weird symptoms.

Definitely get her tested for potential other causes, especially if this behaviour is relatively new. My late MIL used to make the most dreadful accusations, and sadly clung on to some of these delusions, so convincingly that anyone not in possession of the full facts and chronology might begin to wonder if perhaps there was something in what she was saying. She did have a dementia diagnosis, and any infection would make her even more muddled and angry about imagined events. It's very distressing for everyone concerned.

I sympathise. I first really started to see my mum’s decline when she started accusing a grandchild of stealing from her. This poor child was suddenly ‘sneaky’ and a thief and all sorts. Caused all sorts of difficulties with sibling (child’s parent), and was of course totally untrue.

Have you or your sister properly spoken to her about it? Are you sure that Bob doesn't have a thing for your sister and has made a comment? I'd rule that out before going down the medical route.

Good idea about getting her tested for a UTI. My mum went very strange at times when she had one.

It must be really hard for you, OP, particularly given she didn't give you the best home life as a child. You could take her up on payback, tbh!

It would be worth asking for a referral ASAP as these things can take time. We had a similar experience with my great aunt, first accusations of affairs (amongst neighbours?!) before it evolved to us, then accusing us of stealing from her house and really random stuff like teaspoons/light bulbs, all ludicrous. Then it evolved quite quickly to more concerning eg changing the order of the days of the week or the way the time works. The earlier you can get support the better.

A loooong time ago my grandmother said I'd told her about my mum having an affair. (Apparently. I heard it 3rd hand years later.)

She was well into the never being left alone stage by then so everyone accepted it was one of the symptoms.

You've suggested counselling because of one single false allegation?!

I'll just say this.. I can quite understand why the OPs Sister needs to talk it out. Some years ago a Nurse I knew told me about a family in London, they ran a pub. Grandfather got Dementia but remained at home and obviously time passed and things worsened considerably with Grandfather. The final straw was when Grandfather was in the pub and his 18 year old Granddaughter walked by him. Then out of Grandfather's mouth came six words that changed everything.
"Whoarr I'd like to f**k that"
Those words triggered a young woman of 18 into a nervous breakdown. The family, following this terrible incident acted quickly and Grandfather was placed in a Care Home the very next week.
OP, I would explore ALL avenues for DMs behaviour, it could be as simple as a UTI, but adding into the picture her worsening mobility it does seem to me that something is going on. If she were my relative I'd want full blood and urine screening and a memory assessment. My best chum who has a Mother in a Nursing Home for Dementia says now that looking back, there were signs, small signs that over a period of time got bigger.

I suspect it’s something to do with the ops comment that they didn’t have a great childhood. although yes it could be because of the allegation and the emotions they’ve stirred up in the sister.

yes @TorroFerney it is. We have a complex relationship with our mother, who has been quite controlling throughout our lives.

An update: DM since apologised to DS, but we are keeping a close watch on her behaviour. She is reluctant to socialise which I think is another sign. We will both arrange to speak to her GP.

My father was saying very odd things recently, and it turned out to be delirium from recent infections, low sodium and constipation. He is on the mend now but still says strange things from time to time.

It started with him accusing his carer of being a scammer and became worse so much so we took him to a&e.

His private geriatrician said the first thing was to get bloods done in case it was electrolytes or infection. Then if they were clear, have a head CT. The head CT came back clear so the doctors confirmed it was delirium. So I would advise bloods tests and go from there.