Elderly DM giving away £££ to charity

[Dreamerinme]

My late 70’s DM recently passed away and we had been NC for quite a few years. She had a lovely long-term DP but they always lived separately, mostly as my DM was unfortunately not a nice person to him (and me) and he wouldn’t move in with her.

Anyway, since she has passed away I have been told by aunts that her DP was giving her a lot of money regularly as her retirement savings were apparently running very low. He also bought her items like new large TV, sofa, clothes, home furnishings etc.

Upon starting to clear her home her DP and DSis’ have discovered many receipts from various charities where she has been donating this money to, rather than supposedly spending it on living costs such as bills, food etc.

While DM and I were estranged she was never deceitful like this with her DP or anyone else before - claiming she had very little money left (which is correct), but then spending it on other than what it was intended.

Her DP is feeling quite upset that he gave her ££££ (and I mean absolutely thousands of £) because she said she was struggling to live.

This is very out of character for her to be deceitful so why would she have been doing this? Her DSis said she thinks she was getting quite forgetful and kept losing things in the past couple of years, but they only saw each other 1-2 times a year due to distance. I wondered if this was some form of dementia starting maybe?

Before anyone jumps on me - yes, the £ going to charities was very noble but she was basically giving away someone else’s money under false pretences. As I understand it, she has not left him anything in her will either (or me, which I expected and am fine about).

Maybe he shouldn't have been daft enough to give away thousands without checking what income she had and helping her to budget first if that was a problem. They weren't even living together and she wasn't nice to him so why would you give someone thousands in this situation? I understand why he's upset but only has himself to blame unfortunately. Sounds like he was just another gullible person taken for a ride sadly. It could have been the start of dementia or something, but if he or her sister had suspected that, they would have intervened surely and kept an eye on that surely. Was it out of character for her to suddenly start asking for money, did they not query whether anything had changed with her financial circumstances if she suddenly started not being able to manage when she previously had no problems?

Does her DP think she was beginning to be forgetful. I’ve read a few times where people like to buy a lot of items from charity shops but have no intention of using the items. Perhaps she made friends of the staff in these charity shops.

@Miley1967 I do actually agree with you, but I feel terrible for her DP. He has a heart of gold but is far too generous and soft, and even his own nephews have taken advantage of his generosity when they were younger but he saw the light with them eventually.

While my DM was not a nice person though this deceit is very out of character so I wonder if she has some sort of mental decline (over and above just old age).

Could have been the start of a cognitive decline, it isn’t uncommon. We had this in my family, many thousands sent to various causes and scams, not discovered for years before a diagnosis. There’s not really anything to be done sadly.

With hindsight he should have paid bills directly rather than giving a woman he didn't live with large amounts of cash.

This is what we do with various family members, we pay bills directly and then we know we have helped and there can be no accusations of misleading money on fripperies.

Yes could have been the start of dementia if it was out of character for her to suddenly start asking for money. Were there any other signs?

Was she physically donating or did she subscribe to do so in response to cold-calls? She may not have realised how it added up and felt guilty to cancel.

I remember reading about an elderly woman who killed herself because of how she couldn't keep up with all the charity donations. I don't think this is uncommon behaviour. Perhaps she felt under pressure.
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-32748923.amp

He was very foolish to just take her word for it. If he was going to give money to help financially he should have asked about her income and outgoings and helped her budget.

I'm amazed that he gave her money when he didn't even like her. Anyway it's done now and doesn't impact you at all. He is safe from any more financial requests and maybe it will be a lesson learned, albeit very late in life. If he is giving it away without question then he is freely giving.

It could have been dementia or other cognitive decline.

You mention that she wasn’t “nice” to the point that you were no-contact and her partner refused to live with her. If she was a nasty person, she could also simply have been a bit panicked about her impending death.

Sometimes people who have always been rather shitty suddenly become fearful of some sort of comeuppance and start doling out money to charity in hopes of negating their behaviour and actions. Even if they weren’t really religious, the uncertainty of death can make them question if there is actually some sort of afterlife where they will have to answer for themselves. Essentially, the donations are an attempt to buy themselves out of any post-life consequences.

This can also be a sign of cognitive decline as obviously it’s a completely irrational way of thinking even if they are religious and do believe in some sort of afterlife.

It can be a sign of cognitive decline , that's why elderly people are targeted so much , once they have responded once they go on a list and get inundated with charity requests, she probably felt obligated . I would describe cognitive decline and dementia like a jigsaw puzzle with various bits missing .

Could have been the beginnings of cognitive decline? Many charities are very persistent and produce guilt-inducing campaigns to elicit money from people. I never give them my phone number and just delete the emails without reading them but I can imagine someone living on their own, probably with a lot of spare time and feeling a bit confused getting overwhelmed and sucked in by the heart-rending stories. Some campaigns deliberately seem to target the lonely elderly eg by encouraging coffee morning type events. She may not even have realised how much had gone or that she'd signed up for? If she wasn't speaking to relatives/friends regularly then no one would have realised or been able to help her sign up for the TPS or the postal equivalent.

It was silly of him to hand over those sort of sums without some kind of checking in place though.