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Elderly parents

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16 replies

Emptynester123 · 24/08/2024 18:08

My parents chose to move 6000 miles away when my children were 3 and 4. My sister was pregnant with her first child. They wanted a warm climate. They took my grandma with them. So parents and only grandparent moved away. We visited them many times over the first 6 or 7 years. Of course it was expensive but we sacrificed things to keep family ties going. They’ve been there 20 years now. Anyway, we havent visited for the last 12 years. Due to expense and children’s education etc etc. I’ve bent over backwards trying to keep relationships going from afar. Encouraging my kids to call and email. My parents haven’t been back to visit us in UK for 19 years. My mum died a few months ago and dad is now struggling on his own. He doesn’t want to move back. His health is failing. My other sister (there’s 3 of us) lives with him as 6 years ago she went through a divorce and has lived with my parents since. She has mental health issues and various ailments. I still carry resentment that they moved away. If they walked passed their grandchildren in the street they wouldn’t recognise them. I’ve encouraged contact over the years with minimal reciprocal effort. My dad is asking for help. My sister who lives with him is ill and can’t hope. Suggestions please?

OP posts:
MeAgainAndAgain · 24/08/2024 18:10

What does your dad want help with? Help for him or for your sister? Practical stuff? Money?

Do you want to help?

Emptynester123 · 24/08/2024 18:15

Wants more support from me with my sister. I have been her emotional support most days for 10 years via WhatsApp etc. She has various illnesses some real some made up. Around the time my mum died I just couldn’t do it anymore. Completely drained, started effecting my own mental health. Don’t think my dad can handle her on his own without my mum around and me enabling her.

OP posts:
MeAgainAndAgain · 24/08/2024 18:16

So it looks like it’s approximately London to South Africa. You are limited in what kind of help you can give at that distance.

MeAgainAndAgain · 24/08/2024 18:17

What support is he giving her?. Like medication, doctors, counselling, that sort of thing?

MeAgainAndAgain · 24/08/2024 18:20

He must. Have had his reasons to move really far away from his children, especially when they were starting to have their own families. Honestly, I have sympathy for you but not so much for him.

Why did your sister move there? Would she be better in the UK with the NHS? I assume she didn’t grow up there?

Emptynester123 · 24/08/2024 18:20

She’s on a cocktail of drugs. No counselling. She’s blaming some of her illnesses on my other sister which is crazy. My dad has jumped on this band wagon and he too blames my other sister for her medical issues. It’s crazy and I’ve had enough. Yet I still feel guilty.

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WallaceinAnderland · 24/08/2024 18:29

Leave them to it. The only support you can offer at such a distance is emotional support and that should only ever be freely and willingly offered. If it is causing you stress then it's absolutely fine to step back and say there's nothing more you can do.

Anything to do with problems between other people, stay well out of it. Don't comment, don't get pulled in, just say that's not something I can help with and leave it at that.

MeAgainAndAgain · 24/08/2024 18:29

It’s not a popular thought I’m sure, but I’d be tempted to leave them to it. Assuming they’re both British citizens, they could move back here and access help. They’ve both chosen to live far away from you and your other sister so they can’t just expect you to solve their lives from 6000 (!) miles away. They both have capacity? They’re not destitute? Just concentrate on your own life.

TomatoSandwiches · 24/08/2024 18:35

Doesn't sound like your problem to solve op.

Emptynester123 · 24/08/2024 19:06

thx. Seeing it written down and having other people comment somehow sorts it out in my mind

OP posts:
Lexy70 · 25/08/2024 18:33

As above, they moved to the other side of the world just as grandchildren were arriving. He hasn't made much of an effort to maintain ties with your family in the last twenty years. Now he wants help. You reap what you sew I'm afraid. Don't get drawn into this.

abracadabra1980 · 25/08/2024 20:30

I'm just 'free' after being part of a family circle (of three) caring for my dad for more than 6yrs. It had been managed quite well, (ie what mum expected of us), but there are now things I don't think I can ever come to terms with regarding my relationship with the remaining members - one being my mother, the other my sister.
Nothing major but the family dynamics (esp. negative traits) were magnified ten fold.
The person I never had any issues with, sadly, was my dad, whom I'd have given up my life for.
Caring is brutal. You need boundaries. The guilt never leaves you for whatever stupid thing you allow yourself to do, which doesn't involve them, or giving your 'spare' time.
I will never do it again.

CoffeeAndSunrise · 25/08/2024 21:38

I wouldn't be helping. They're basically strangers. Look after yourself, put yourself first. Never feel guilty.

IsawwhatIsaw · 27/08/2024 09:13

This is what happens with distance. They made that decision then and it has consequences. Sounds like they didn’t really bother, now he needs help. I don’t think you owe them anything.

susiedaisy1912 · 27/08/2024 09:18

You sound like you gone above and beyond to try to build a long distance relationship with your children and their grandparents op. Your father didn't help you or your family as they were growing but now wants you to jump through hoops to help him out. I would continue to offer the same level of support and contact that you've always done but I wouldn't do anything else.

PermanentTemporary · 31/08/2024 21:18

I would carry on being a listening ear but I don't know what else you possibly could do tbh. It may be that there's basically no services there and family are the ones who normally step up. Perhaps a professional has said that family should do certain things. Effectively though, they no longer have other family, because they moved away.

Is your sister religious or could she become so? There are a lot of countries where non-family help is only really available via a place of worship. Maybe tell her you'll pray for her, start her thinking about it.

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