Helping parents who won't help themselves

[Sandqueen]

What Is the best course of action to try and help my parents who are going downhill fast but are not open to receiving advice or support from myself and brother.
My mum has always suffered mental health was sectioned lots when younger and has always had my dad as her 'carer'. They have more of a co dependant can't live with each other but cannot live without each other. There is trauma within our family, especially around my brother who they have never been great parents too. He lives miles away and does try to help with administrative support but it is always problematic for them for some reason and they do not like to accept help but clearly cannot do many daily tasks/bills etc. My mum has a psychiatrist who comes and sees her otherwise she does not leave her bedroom. They both have copd and my dad's health has taken a turn after a fall where he ended up in hospital. During this time chaos ensued as mum had a breakdown and it highlight how we have to plan for what will happen in the future.
We tried to get them to live closer to us so we could look after them better I think they think we are being selfish and it's all about us. This is not further from the truth.. I understand now their reasons for not wanting to move as they have always lived in that house.
Whenever we try to talk to them about the future they say we are fine. (Apart from when my dad says I do not know that your mother would do if I wasn't here) No plans have been put in place for how they would like to live at home safely. They have no money to pay for carers etc and they just seem to be stuck in this horriblly sad space. My mums smokes loads and rarely speaks to anyone and dad had just started smoking again after stopping for 20 years and is so frail I worry what will happen over the winter months. My mum has always said never put her in a care home. I think she thought I would take over the role of carer from my dad but they live an hour away, I work full time and my husband had a breakdown last year and I need to prioritise his wellbeing and my children's too,
There has been no more discussion on future and I know my parents will be burying their heads in the sand as it's all too difficult to address/organise. I do knot know what I can do to plan for the inevitable? I know if we don't plan now everything will be crazy soon.
I wake up every morning anxious that we are going to get a phone call that my dad is unwell and my mum has flipped.
there must be something more pro active I and my brother can be doing but I du not know what?
Any advice would be really appreciated

I’m in a similar position with my mum who lives 5 hours away.
She is very much a glass half empty person and there is always something wrong. Her world is getting smaller and, as a result, her range of conversation.
She refuses point blank to move (DH and I work full time so can’t relocate), complains regularly about not seeing enough of us but discourages us from visiting as apparently we are “too busy”. Supposedly loves her home far to much to move away yet can’t stand being in it by herself. She also has huge anxiety issues around any potential changes in lifestyle and regularly talks about “taking pills” if we mention household adaptation. We’ve concluded that this kind of talk is akin to a toddler having a tantrum when they can’t have their own way as she’s admitted she would never actually go through with it.
We’ve come to the conclusion we have to wait for a crisis as the window of opportunity to relocate has now passed, but she’s only 75. 😕

Or it’s a parent who was a fantastic mum but who has always needed huge levels of emotional support to cope with life- relying on her own parents as an adult, then a spouse and now me. It’s apparently my role as a daughter…

@Doublesidedstickytape hugs. It is such a difficult situation. Our mother has always been difficult and always required an incredibly high level of emotional support even in good times-always needed to be praised and given high feedback for the most minor things she did.A recent example sprung to mind from a few years ago. It was a lovely summers day and I had returned from holiday looking tanned, relaxed etc. I had just had a haircut and popped to see our parents. Neighbour was in the garden and very kindly said to me ‘oh BlueLegume you look lovely’. Without missing a beat Mum responded with ‘ I (as in Mum) always look lovely but you never compliment me’. Priceless. Please step back it is so hard to I know but we are a generation of middle aged women being broken by our in general difficult elderly mothers.

Even if they move closer, it may not be easier.

I'm looking after a selection of people and the ones around the corner refuse all help and interference, so it's a case of watching, which I find harder than travelling to be useful.