Can't face visiting my dad

[Borntorunfast]

This is complicated and it's long, sorry!!

I've posted about my dad before. We thought he had dementia. It has taken ages to get the GP to take our concerns seriously, and in the meantime his behaviour went off the scale: eg. seven 999 call-outs in 4 days, all due to him making up illnesses, flinging himself on the floor ("falls") and then wedging himself between furniture so that no one could pick him up, screaming (ironically that he couldn't breathe, but he could breathe well enough to scream for 3 hours straight), terrible verbal abuse towards my mum, uncles, the paramedics, and me.

Anyway, after all those call-outs, the paramedics triggered a safeguarding report (mainly for mum, due to his verbal abuse), and they took him in.

Dad has been in hospital for 2 weeks. He's had a CT and MRI scan.

He doesn't have dementia.

He has now been referred to the hospital psychiatry team for an assessment next week. They want to put him on an anti-psychotic medication, as his behaviour has continued in hospital. In some ways this is good as we now have evidence/witnesses (dad lies all the time and puts "on a good show" whenever we have tried to get him help in the past). Though he's refusing the meds.

But - Dad wants me to visit. I've been on holiday for 2 weeks but am now back.

I've not had a visit or call this year where Dad hasn't shouted at me. Or been angry and abusive. I don't want to see him because it upsets me to the degree that I then can't sleep for several nights. I have ASD and so get upset more than (I think) 'normal' people; he makes me feel deeply unsafe, I can't quite describe it.

He's also been a shit dad all my life.

I spent every day of my holiday on the phone advocating for both him and mum, and speaking to mum 2-3 times a day, messaging in between. I am super calm and practical and know that the best help I can give is this - sorting and pushing and advocating. Being the grown up.

I can't be that person if I feel so frightened when we are in the same room. I feel like a tiny child being terrorised by this awful looming bullying man, even though he's 80, clearly out of his mind, and frail.

Should I just woman up and go see him? My family think I am a massive bitch for not - but I do SO much for my parents, just not in a showy way (unlike my brother). If I go I'll get my 'good daughter' credits and they'll back off for a bit. None of my family know I have ASD, btw - I don't feel safe enough to tell them. I have long been characterised as the 'weird' and 'emotional' one, though they are all happy enough to lean on me when something difficult needs sorting out.

I don't know what to do. Would really welcome advice as I feel, as someone with ASD, that my decision making is off. Thanks if you read this far!!

Don't go. I wouldn't, and if staff contact you, tell them he's abusive to you and you won't be visiting.

Oh, sod that for a game of soldiers.

Don't go. Ignore anybody who tries to guilt you into going. Enjoy the peace.

So very much all of this.
hugs

I don't think you should go, as he sounds totally selfish.

Now I'm older I don't let people put me under pressure to do anything I don't want to do. It might be a bit awkward for you, but that will pass once you lay down the ground rules and stick to them.

Oh you poor darling, I'm really sorry. You've already stepped up and organised everything you could. It's like a veil has been lifted now and everyone else can see him for what he has always been.

If you don't want to see him then that's perfectly ok. He's an abusive father and he isn't going to suddenly be any different. The staff can see what he is like.

You decide what is best for you and don't be guilt tripped by other members of your family. You've been a really supportive daughter to your parents, it's ok to decide when you have had enough of his rants. He's safe and being cared for. Here if you need to talk some more.

I agree with every word @larklane17 has just said.

Look after yourself OP and definitely do not subject yourself to any more of your father's abuse.

Do you know if they are medicating him while he is there? He might be calmer if they are. Having said that, you don’t have to go and see him just because he wants you to.

I might do one of two things. Tell him I will go and see him for half an hour if he behaves himself but the moment he starts being abusive you will leave and then use one of the strategies above, busying yourself getting snacks or newspapers etc . Or I might make an arrangement to see him in two or three weeks time, again with provisos but also with the hope they are further along with diagnosing him and on the path to some kind of treatment.

Third option, just say no.

People bully people because they can. No one bullies your dad because he's a cunt. Channel your dad and people will back off.

My dad is just as you've described yours and has had "funny turns" like this over the years and is as similar ages to your dad.

Myself and my children all have asd (diagnosed) I'm pretty sure my dad's undiagnosed and it's where it all stems from (the asd)

Apparently undiagnosed asd at a later age (because they didn't diagnose back then) can manifest itself into BPD in later life?

Border line personality disorder comes with an array of outbursts.
Believe me I know.

Sending love

You can't continue to advocate for him if you are exhausted and distressed. Do not go.

I haven't read all the posts.

Is this the time to lie and say you have COVID? or would that not work.

Also, have you seen anyone about how you deal with all of this. It's incredibly stressful and it sounds like you have been dealing with it brilliantly but sometimes I think it can help to speak to someone to help organise and understand how you deal with it all.

Good luck. I hope things settle down for you all.

You don't have to tell your family that you have ASD, OP. Just tell them that you will not be visiting your F because he is abusive, and you have had enough - far too much in fact. That is all they need to know. You can break the toxic family dynamic by just saying that. You have nothing to lose by staying clear.

Thanks everyone again! @Em3978 and @larklane17 in particular.

@Helpimfalling My DD and I have both been diagnosed this year (the classic scenario of her being diagnosed first and then the penny dropping for me!). I suspect Dad has ASD, he fits with some of the traits, and he also had trauma in childhood that seems to be resurfacing now. That's very interesting about BPD, and if that's what's going on with dad then I'm sorry you've been on the receiving end of it.

@maverickfox they want to put him on an anti-psychotic but he has refused. They're now assessing whether he has capacity (they think not and I agree), and if not he'll go on them. At that point things may settle and I'd probably go visit.

@ItsZa thank you - DH has also gently raised the issue of me getting support. While I'm busy I'm always good; when things stop my brain does not and so I'll seek some help then. I've had lots of therapy over the years so know when a burnout is coming. Or maybe now is that moment actually. This past fortnight has brought a lot of stuff from my childhood back.

This has all really helped me organise my thoughts about visiting - I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and experiences. Thank you xx

You don't have to visit him just because he's your father. You owe it to yourself to look after you too, you are worth it. Having a toxic parent is hard but it is not your fault.

Can they definitely rule out dementia? According to this NHS site

"Even if a brain scan does not show any obvious changes, this does not mean someone does not have dementia"

www.nhs.uk/conditions/dementia/symptoms-and-diagnosis/tests/#:~:text=Even%20if%20a%20brain%20scan,someone%20does%20not%20have%20dementia.

So glad you are getting lovely and support on this thread.

Stay strong

Love and solidarity

Xxxx

I'm glad you are finding support here. Sometimes talking anonymously can help think things through.

If you feel that everything is getting too much, take a step back and concentrate on yourself. Your DH seems concerned so listen to his good advice too.

Don't burn yourself out or make yourself unwell, you've done lots already. We are all here listening and sending a hug your way.

My late FiL was exactly like this too OP. We took a hard line that any shouting or abuse meant an instant departure from his presence. We also cut back visits to every few months. We did all the life admin too which was how we continued to contribute. Previous posters are absolutely correct. You wouldn’t spend any time with someone who was not your relative who behaved like he does and who is damaging your mental and emotional health - and you would very much not allow your own children to be subjected to it even for a single minute.

my kids are autistic and I'd tell them to absolutely not go if they were anxious about it. Autism comes with a very specific type of anxiety that it is hard to recover from, and you don't deserve that trauma
Hopefully they'll figure out what his issues are and get him started on some treatment which may make things easier in future.
(I say this with the experience of protecting my own children from an alcoholic dad who was very nasty in his last years)

I have the same dad. He’s horrific, always has been. Don’t go and don’t feel guilty. You get one life and it’s not worth the bullying and abuse.

As a fellow neurodivergent (AuDHD) with difficult ageing parents, I just want you to know this is NOT anything about being autistic, your decision making process, or sensitivity. You don't want to be bullied, hectored and shouted at. That is absolutely human and understandable, and nobody should have to put up with that. I'm very similar to you, I'm the calm, practical one who deals with the advocacy, services, plans, etc. You're juggling enough already. If a visit will only be upsetting and stressful, for everyone by the sounds of it, you absolutely do not need to go.

My late grandmother was mean and nasty to everyone, I remember her calling me ugly and a little weirdo as a kid and when we had family gatherings if I was sat near her she made me switch places with the cousins she liked better. I didn't go visit her after I left home ever. She asked me once at a family party why she hadn't seen me since I left home and I told her, if you are mean to people they won't want to have a relationship with you, that's the consequences of being unpleasant to the people around you. I helped my mum with practical things when my grandmother became old and infirm, but no way was I going to sit around and fake concern or sadness at her bedside.

While older, sick people should be cared for medically and physically, if they were nasty and abusive to their families they have zero right to expect emotional support and comfort from them when they get old and sick. Your da made his choices a long while ago, and these are the consequences.

The best of luck with it all. This shit is hard.

I suspect my dad has ADHD, now that I can sit back and look at things differently. My brother has ADHD and bipolar too. He's not in the picture for taking over the slack of looking after them, sadly.
I believe i'm on the ASD spectrum along with my son, (but we're not pursuing diagnosis at the mo.) I dont' think my ASD makes me more or less sensitive to this, I think my dad is just a difficult man with an attitude problem!

Just one question Op- if you became like your DF in later years would you expect your DC to put up with it?

If it makes life easier for you for the rest of the family to think you've visited him, then go to the hospital to talk to the nurses. Report back to the family on what they said.

They won't know that you didn't actually see him, and if they ask your dad, well he's hardly a reliable witness at the moment. You could even say that he was asleep or the nurses said he wasn't in a state to be visited. They're putting unreasonable pressure on you, so I'd not feel bad about lying.

If the guilt of not going is hurting you then go, set the timer on your phone as you walk in, when the timer goes off then leave. In the bad old days hospital visiting was 30 minutes, no one came to any harm from it. Allow maybe 20 minutes then leave, if he starts being horrible after 10 minutes, leave. Dont explain why just get up and go, dont be drawn into any debate. You will have done your best and no one can ask more than that