Argumentative elderly MIL

[Orangesandlemons77]

I'm not sure if it is getting worse with age or just personality, but it seems to be getting worse.

Any 'issue' I seem to have I get an argument about it. My (also elderly) dad is unwell, in hospital and we are due to go on a family holiday next week. (not booked yet)

I mentioned I may stay due to Dad and got told that I should go, didn't seem to understand why not, also keeps going on about a scan I need for my health that she 'doesn't know why' I am having it.

On top of this, being really sort of bossy, I feel I can't say anything or she will have an un-asked for opinion on it, and when I ask her about something she will get very defensive and dismissive.

Anyone else have this, how to deal? I'm thinking I will just not share stuff with her, and talk small talk, but that can be quite draining.

My elderly SiL got progressively more argumentative and difficult to reason with in the last three years of her life. It was actually dementia but because she was a particular personality type it just felt like advanced crotchediness and we didn't realise. She hid a lot of her symptoms and wouldn't admit to us what she was going through.

I wonder about dementia too, in. particular vascular as she has very high blood pressure. It's difficult to know when their personality is like it anyway, but it does seem to be getting worse.

I was thinking dementia as well.
Also as your dad is unwell you may be more stressed, naturally, so her awkwardness is more headwrecking. Just step back a bit and look after your own dad. Let your dh care for his mom but maybe mention to him that you think she needs a check up for possible dementia. And yes people can get crankier as Tey they age maybe due to pain, tiredness..life.

Agree with the above, let your partner do all the care for their mother and you concentrate on your dad.

It is almost impossible to have a relationship with that kind of personality, you will end up dreading any form of contact, it will become a very tense and unhappy situation.

I have a couple of extremely difficult relatives, minimal contact is the only way to keep my sanity.

Thanks, it's hard isn't it. I usually try a 'grey rock' technique minimising chat about anything personal, but that has slipped a bit. I'll need to go back to that and maybe some stock phrases.

Yes it's particularly annoying when I'm stressed about Dad. She also keeps going on about eg DHs birthday and what she should get for that, putting small tasks on to my mental load at a difficult time. And take a deep breath.

You can also detach yourself and play”bingo”. Think in advance what her response may be, and give yourself a point when you get it right. It’s another way of cutting the emotional cord. I think of it as observing a lab rat, simply recording its behaviour. You can be very fond of your lab rat, but you don’t let its opinions affect you.

Interestingly I have read that increased aggression "can" be an early sign of Dementia.

Ah thank you so much for this. I have a lab rat (well.more of a performing monkey) in my own life that I badly need to detach-from-while-engaging-with, for both our sakes!

I tell my PIL nothing so then they cannot get “competitive “ about it or offer opinions.

My dad had cancer last year, when MIL asks how my parents are I just say “fine, same as always” and move on.

DS has ADHD/ASD diagnosis, I don’t tell PIL because they believe that sort of thing is just attention seeking.

and so on.

Just do your best grey rock, smile & nod, keep it bland. Good luck.

Thanks, I agree this is what I usually do, but it is hard to find anything to talk about at times!

I need to go back to that

I have found I barely need to say anything to mine as she'll just talk and talk away about anything and everything!

I avoid anything personal about me/my family and keep it bland. How's the garden/roadworks/supermarket cafe type stuff! She can quite easily go for 20 mins non-stop about what the neighbours did.