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Elderly parents

Manipulation tactics! Advice needed please!

3 replies

ZanyDeer · 11/08/2024 20:57

Hi! For many, many years, my mother has had illnesses, none of which are ‘very bad’ but frequently end up with her in hospital, usually for a few hours or a night, inevitably with something mild being diagnosed which she will state she was given morphine for. This has happened so very many times over the years I don’t take it very seriously, she is always quickly well afterwards. My stepdad always enables this. He took great care of his elderly mother for many years until she passed, and now I feel he almost enjoys taking care of my mother during these times when she is ill. Something nearly always happens when I’m on vacation, and they deliberately don’t tell me until I’m home & they are always ‘terrified’ someone will tell me while I’m away. When I return, they literally cannot wait to tell me. My stepdad will always say she was much more unwell than she’s admitting to. If I’m not on vacation & something happens, he will make a huge deal about my Mum insisting he not phone me at work because he knows I’ll ‘worry myself sick’. They seem to love the drama of it all. I know it will get worse as they continue to age. Am I being an absolute horror of a daughter?? She gets lots of attention from me, it can’t be that! I very much appreciate many members would wish they still had their mums, I don’t wish to appear ungrateful for her. But how can I deal with this better? It makes me upset & angry.

OP posts:
BrookGreen54 · 11/08/2024 21:00

For them though this is a big deal - elderly people often live quite simple + insular lives so a trip to hospital is an event in itself. They’re not expecting you to directly get involved and she’s not being needy towards you so honestly I don’t see what the issue is.

ZanyDeer · 11/08/2024 21:08

They definitely don’t live insular lives. They’re very busy. She is only 75 and he is a good bit younger. This has been going on since she was in her 40’s.

OP posts:
VibeVanguard · 11/08/2024 21:30

Not sure I have any advice for you op but I think I get it. My mum does something similar. I think it’s her way of expressing emotion and allowing herself to be cared for. She finds it difficult to be cared for (without guilt) unless she’s “ill”.

It can be really frustrating! And I find it difficult to find my empathy for her in times like this. But I guess I just tell myself this is her way of expressing emotion. And I feel a little sorry for her, that this is her only way of getting her needs met.

But I dunno OP, it sounds like your mum does it when you’re away, so I wonder if it feels like it’s directed at you somehow?

it’s so hard not to feel irritated by it though isn’t it!

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