What do you do when they don't do anything you set up?!

[hopeidontsoundabitsmug]

My parents are 85 and 86, I've posted a bit about the situation before. They both have mobility issues among other things. i'm an only child and they have no other family or many friends so get very bored and lonely. Very high expectations of me and how much I can go round and entertain them. A few times a week not enough time. Carers go in every day but not for long enough imo

Something I really struggle with is that I set up stuff and they procrastinate about doing it then don't go. Loads of things... Lunch at local over 60s centre, activity afternoon at local care home etc. All this would have transport and meals arranged (either by me or by the service) so wouldn't require any inconvenience or effort on their part. They know people who run or go to some of these things and they're very local. There's always a reason they won't go but then they're bored and lonely at home. I just don't get it and find it so frustrating. Should I just give up?

No point continuing to bang your head against a brick wall, but you'll need a broken record technique for when they complain about being bored and lonely - they've been given options, they chose not to go, they could change their minds and go.

Ask them what the real reason they don't go is, rather than the mundane reason that they give you.

Stick to your boundaries on how much you see them not being tempted to sore them more because they've opted out of something you've set up.

Yes, give up.

They want your company, not to go out. Really they probably just want to moan a bit. It takes a lot of processing to go out, many steps, staying in whinging is a lot easier.

I've just learnt about the "yes, but" game. Ask if they want something fixed or just to moan and act accordingly. Solidarity tho, my DM was saying she wants to go out but everytime I'm actually there, she doesn't feel up to it.

Just give up and leave them to it. You've tried but they won't engage and you can't force them.

Leave them to their own devices and when they moan tell them that you found them clubs and activities but they clearly weren't interested so you can do nothing more. Tell them that they can either arrange to revisit your suggestions by themselves or they can do some research themselves.

Some people do just enjoy a good moan though, so they need something to moan about. 🙄

Oh dear this does sound hard.

Truth is that life can be quite bleak for those 85+, aches and pains and medical issues and fatigue and with carers, a disrupted routine. I can see how my conversation contains more complaints than it used to, and I'm only 55 - something I'll have to guard against. It is wonderful when people of that age manage to stay interested and positive, some do.

It genuinely isn't your responsibility to try and fix their lives though. If they just want to have a good moan, twice a week sounds ample. Tbh I would stop trying so hard. They're grown adults. Just pop in to see them, absorb whatever negativity they're trying to offload, answer vaguely, tell them one positive thing and skedaddle to go and do something that cheers you up.

At that age they could be tired, worried about managing toilet in a new place, struggling with hearing loss or just cba to socialise. If they don’t want to do something that’s their choice.

A companion who goes in for a cup of tea and a chat is probably the best thing you set up. I did this for a couple of days a week. My dad loved having someone new to regale.
My dad is much the same, wants me there but always complains I am leaving too soon. He know the companion is there for an hour so doesn’t complain about her leaving.

Short answer - yes.
Long answer - yes and don't be tempted again.

I know its infuriating but you need to allow your parents to fail. You know they'd probably be happier doing the things you organised, I know that too but they have a choice and they have chosen not to engage.

Take this as your cue to step right back. You have my permission if that helps.

You should also take it as read that you reduce your input as an active care giver. Yes visit once / twice a week a for a cuppa and a slice of cake and that's it. If they ask / demand you come more often - you're busy, you have your job, children, DH / DP, you can't spend all hours with them. You've tried to arrange things to entertain them and they have chosen not to engage - fine, so be it. Thanks for the tea and cake Mum, see you next week.

Re-set your expectations. just as they have expectations you can't achieve, you have expectations they can't ,so everyone has to take a breath & re-group.

Sounds like my mil. She doesn’t actually want to do anything, just moan that she doesn’t do anything.
She always seems happier when she has spent half an hour moaning, she just wants the attention and someone saying poor you.

Like others have said I would give up arranging things for them to do. My parents are a similar age. They need home help but have flatly refused so we're letting them get on with it. We visit of course and am at the end of the phone but my mum just wants someone to moan to. I get it but it does become really hard. We've had to become a bit 'tough love' recently as they are insistent they don't need help so we've had to pull back (mainly as we're a distance plus have FT jobs, families, etc). Is that something you can do? Hopefully if you are close by you can pop in for cuppa and quick chat 1-2x per week and then let them get on with it.

Drop the rope

@hopeidontsoundabitsmug totally feel for you. Similar stories all over the Elderly Parents thread. I’m trying to step back after nearly two years of trying to ‘help’ our mother. Nothing absolutely nothing is right. Food shops always wrong but she won’t tell us what she does want. Cleaning done for her - not up to her standards. She had a cleaner but sacked her the minute we had to place our DF in a home for medical reasons. Tells us she now can’t clean so we have had to step in. I have even explained I’m not asking her to engage in clubs and activities etc just do some basic things. Instructions for appliances all clear but she won’t use the washer so that falls to us when we visit. Won’t have any carers. Essentially she uses us as her carers we are exhausted. We can’t just visit her for a cup of tea and cake or company every visit includes doing the stuff that needs doing and shopping, cleaning washing etc. she has always been very controlling so I see this as an extension of her personality- control of us based on her ‘selection competence’. Please step back, we wish we had done. It’s seen us as siblings falling out with each other through sheer frustration. If they have food, a roof over their heads then step back and see what happens.