What more can I do?

[somanycandles]

My dad only has about two months left. He is a smart self made business man and is updated with everything going on in the world, and still has a memory anyone would be envious of. He has things sorted. Very practical. But my mum has obvious dementia and is struggling to remember new things.
I do not know how she will cope. I think my dad has done what he can to help her out in the future, and given us passwords etc. So it’s not that.

But my anxiety is now wondering if there is
anything I can do for him or them, except being there? Before it’s too late. I am not sure what I am asking for tbh. I ordered a calender for mum, with a beautiful photo of them both on the front. I will write and encourage her to write down things, like my work hours or whatever she is asking for often. I will get my dad to write some things in the calendar too if he wants too.

I don’t know what more I can do now. We have said everything to each other. But it still feels like everything is too late. Sorry for rambling.

I went through this with my mum. All you can do is just be there, and make memories while you can. I am so sorry you are going through this. It's a nightmare xx

@Runnerinthenight thank you. I am
just thinking that there will still be so many questions to still ask him, practical ones, but I won’t be able to.

Sorry to hear about your Dad.

If you suspect dementia then pursue a diagnosis ASAP. Depending on the type, she may be prescribed medication which may help slow the decline. It will also give access to dementia team, benefits, etc. which help.

Get Lasting Power of Attorney for Finance and Health for your Mum. Get this underway before she is diagnosed.

I would also get third party access to online accounts and utilities. Just having access to the passwords isn't really enough as lots of companies will send a text message with a PIN which makes life complicated.

If your Dad has been propping your Mum up (which often happens) then she might appear to go downhill quite quickly. Think about getting lots of support in place in the form of a cleaner, gardener, to help her to remain at home.

My Mum wouldn't really let me help her (although we had LPOA) so I am currently having to sort out a tonne of stuff. It's been really tough.

This is exactly it, the more he tries to prop her uo the less she seems to be able to manage lately. A third party access is something I understood today is needed, as I took her to the bank and she got too confused or stressed with simple things. But she is not acknowledging it. And I suspect my dad is now doing it the harsh way to get me to understand how bad it is, and then try to be there for my questions while he can.

Sorry to hear things are at this stage.
Does your lovely DF do a tax return for your DM?
Can he give you access to withdrawn cash to pay for stuff if LPOA etc not already operating?
Can you both check that DM's utility bills and necessary bills are all on direct debit so that they come off automatically after the inevitable.
If he has shares in his name but the dividends get paid into their current account, can you find out what allocation he has... I'm thinking BT shares etc where payments might come in for both but you then can track whose dividends are whose...

Yes and password for his phone is essential and potentially Apple ID.

I'm so sorry about your dad OP, and that you're in this position. I'll be really honest, it's the prospect that really worries me - my DM has (I think) undiagnosed dementia, and my dad does everything for her now, including the things she used to do, like cooking. At the moment he seems fit and well, but he's 80, so who knows...

It sounds like you're doing very sensible things, but my more fundamental question would be whether your DM is capable of living alone once your father's not there? I'm pretty sure my DM wouldn't be (my DF has said as much once). It's not just the admin etc - I think she'd just be too anxious to live alone without some sort of support. That might be different if my sister or I lived close enough and had available time to pop in very frequently, but we don't.

What's your parents' set up like? Are you or a sibling close enough to provide regular support? In our case, if the worst happened and dad died with no notice, I think we'd probably have to look at having mum to stay with us temporarily until we could arrange some kind of sheltered living near me or my sister.

Did this today, thanks. And everything is now in her name, dad had this sorted a while ago.

They have a big house and we live close so have supported them for years already. My ds doesn’t live close. I don’t think she will be able to stay, she is already saying she won’t want to stay as she is a bit scared of the dark etc. I think she is underestimating how much dad does though. I hope you won’t have to be in this situation.

I understand. My DPs work as a unit, but either on their own would struggle. No solutions, but you are not alone.

My DPs absolutely worked as a unit.
DM dropped like a stone when DF went into hospital, She has to be sectioned within four weeks.
I'm not saying this will happen in your case, OP, but have it on your radar that the anticipated decline might be more rapid than you imagined. Obviously, you've started a thread, so you are on the front foot, but we were shocked at DM. We didn't have POA, so having some cash from DF was essential.

@Mum5net Yes, this is what I fear will happen. She was sort of ok until my dad had his final diagnosis after that it just went so fast downhill with her. I was not prepared for that. I fear it will be much worse after.

@somanycandles I am sorry you are in this double situation. Be kind to yourself as you will actually be grieving two right now while your emotions try to scramble a response. There are very many on this board who will have been through this and will be able to offer you support.
This might sound a little cruel but start taking monthly little films of your DM. Maybe 20 seconds of her telling you when family birthdays fall. Then repeat the conversation every month. I found it very handy to be able to show a Mental Health Officer videos of my DM a little while apart. They helped someone see instantly how rapid the decline had been.

Thank you so much @Mum5net. You know what, I actually noted today that she talked about my nieces birthdays which is soon. So she clearly remember the dates. This is a good idea. But then she said she doesn’t remember when she had cold as it was such a long time ago. It wasn’t. She was ill for a whole month in April. And a month in October. She pretends to remember when I remind her, it is obvious she doesn’t.

Possibly make sure your dad is safe towards the end: my mother had incipient dementia when he was dying (he wanted to die at home) and she was horrible to him (didn’t want him to take painkillers, didn’t want to change soiled sheets/pads, got angry with him, etc.), probably because she was scared/didn’t really understand. It was very cruel, and if I hadn’t been there to protect him, his last few weeks would have been spent in unnecessary torment. Also, I wish I’d recorded him saying something, anything. I’d love to be able to hear his voice again.
As for the practicalities, you just need to know where all the paperwork is kept and what all the passwords are. It can all be sorted later. Concentrate on spending time with him and making sure he’s comfortable.
💐💐💐

@somanycandles Came across your thread and wondered how you had coped? Hope you are doing OK?