Right-wing parents

[marie54321]

As my parents (in their 70s) have gotten older, they have become increasingly right-wing. I am more left/socialist leaning, and I’m struggling to manage my relationship with them given our very different beliefs.
Around the time of the Brexit referendum and election, we had a mutual agreement to not talk about politics, however I feel that our different views keep coming up regardless. E.g. my ds mentioned that he had been learning about the environment at school…cue rant about how “they shouldn’t be teaching that woke nonsense in schools”. Similarly I mentioned a team morale/stress management project I was involved in at work.…apparently we’re all snowflakes.
They get annoyed with race/disability/sexuality representation in books and toys, because they see it as pandering to wokeness.
I like to think I am the sort of person that would stand up for minority groups, but more recently I have found myself letting bigoted and racist comments slide, by changing the subject or finding an excuse to leave the room (rather than speaking up which always leads to an argument). I hate doing this, I feel guilty and it goes against everything I believe in.
Not looking for a political debate, I guess I am looking for advice on how people manage relationships with people with wildly different values. I imagine there must be people in similar situation with elderly parents.
I should add that my parents are great with my 2 boys, and my boys absolutely love spending time with them (although understandably I am worried about the messages that are getting passed on, especially as my sons get older).

I would put down a hard boundary of no politics being discussed. Make it clear comments about wokism etc are off limits as you value your relationship but have different views, and you’d like to agree to disagree. Hopefully they get the message.

How much are they part of your life and how often do you see them?

Mine has similar views but has learnt to rein it in as we won't tolerate a lot of the rubbish she comes out with (eg offensive racist and sexist type stuff) and if she wants to spend any time with us then we're not prepared to hear it. And I definitely don't want DD hearing it! The things that are blatantly untrue I've fact checked for her and encouraged a critical thinking approach. For example pointed out what she's read somewhere is demonstrably untrue. Either she's taken that on board or she's learnt not to mention in front of us!

I won't see her friends though after a terrible Christmas experience a couple of years ago when one of them started on and on about immigration when they dropped in for a coffee!

But we only see her 3-4 times per year and DD is never alone with her which makes it easier.

I would look at it as a great way of introducing critical thinking. You can take the opportunity to discuss her views with your boys and help them develop their own opinions.

I have family who have lots of insufferable views and I usually ignore it and change the subject. Depending on the circumstances, I'll challenge it eg racism but if it's conspiracy nonsense or anti wokism, I'll just start talking about something else.

Both my parents are conservative, my mum is on the reform side 😬. I usually just say I'm tired, can we change the subject, I don't want to discuss politics, or I don't want to hear negativity (at its core that's what it is because if you care THAT much you would be politically active which at least I could understand, no it's just a moan because they have time / an underlying desire to protect their pensions I suspect). I've got no problem being vocal on my opinions, like I support peaceful protest but riots and violence no etc.). I do find racist comments extremely hard, and I stand up to it as much as possible.

Sympathies, OP! I have been struggling with this recently with my own parents. The constant shoehorning of unpleasant opinions into literally every conversational topic brings up some really difficult feelings. I have in the past challenged them but it's led to a massive row so now I just try to move on / ignore / change topic. I've learnt they absolutely do not want to change their opinions and are not open to any reflection or a different way of looking at things at all, so any attempt is utterly futile. If anything, the constant comments appear to be their way of wearing ME down and convincing me to think like them! But I do also wonder they're struggling with a changing world and have less cognitive flexibility now they are older.

I have no real practical advice as I haven't managed to resolve my feelings about it all yet. I have afterwards spoken with my children though and let them know I disagree strongly with their grandparents and the reasons why.

Cut the conversation when it gets nasty. I literally say to my folks “no, we are not talking about that” and I change topic without skipping a beat.
its the only way we can talk without me getting annoyed these days.

I think avoidance is sensible and you shouldn't feel guilty. I also agree with discussing anything really intolerable and how you see it with your children afterwards (not every comment). Just be too busy to give them lifts to the polling station once they can't drive.

You could always do the old Father Ted routine: "I hear you're a racist now Father, ..." etc

" I should add that my parents are great with my 2 boys, and my boys absolutely love spending time with them (although understandably I am worried about the messages that are getting passed on, especially as my sons get older)."

It's pretty worrying but, well, you turned out all right. You can mentally say (not out loud) "and in this family, that attitude shall die with you" every time they say something horrible. Maybe out loud occasionally , if they're really being hateful.

Thank you for all your comments, I really appreciate you all taking the time to respond.
Thank you for the reassurance that avoidance is okay, despite it not feeling that way. We probably meet up once a month or so, so perhaps it is one of those things I just have to ignore.
I have had to bite my tongue once again today as my parents attempted to justify the recent riots to me 😡

I had a racist step grandad,and although I know that my mum would have loved to have never had anything do with him,that was impossible as my severely disabled uncle lived with them and she had to keep in contact for his sake.
I do remember some of the absolutely awful things he said,almost 50 years ago now,but I also remember my mum explaining to me that she never ever wanted to hear me use the language he did,and that he was talking rubbish.
My mum and dad fostered a pair of Nigerian twins before I was born. I bet that made the nasty old bugger just about implode.
I would use your parents comments as educational matter for your children. Teach them critical thinking and they'll never be taken in by them or others in future.