I don't know what to do?

[Shirleytem1]

Hi, I am new here. I have been wanting to post for a little while as I don't know where to turn to.
I lost my dad, 3yrs ago but still have my mam who is nearly 85. She has done amazing but the last 6 months, she has changed.
My daughter who is 20yr old has a boyfriend and we are not keen but it's not my call to make, so I have let her know my concerns and we have put it to bed.
My mam on the other hand hasn't and won't. She is making nasty comments and picking fault at my daughter about him and her and she will be starting the last yr of uni in September.
Last week it came to a head. The boyfriend came to stay with us for a week, we had a lovely time, second week my daughter went to his for a week. My mam was messaging a friend, however she wasn't and the nasty text went to my daughter. I was cross as I have begged my mam not to say anything for the last couple of years but she won't stop. I told her to say sorry to my daughter, she said she had but I have found out since that she didn't.
So anyway, I have been doing everything I normally do, take her shopping and gardening etc, but Monday we had more words whilst about the same thing, however this time, we were out shopping and she bribed my daughter and said she would buy her a handbag if she dumped him. Daughter walked towards me and my mam called her a cry baby, so I approached my mam and said you shouldn't have done that but she told me to P off...
she says she never said any such thing.
I really don't know what to say or do, I am constantly crying, I'm not eating or sleeping, can anyone suggest anything please without judging me, thank you

How does the grandmother know all about the relationship, its comings and goings?

There is no reason for anyone to judge you. You need support, not judgement.

The change in behaviour was the first indication that my mum had dementia. I was in complete denial about it and it was 4 years before I couldn't hide from it anymore. The personality change is quite a common flag I think. I remember a friend of my parents', a really lovely proper gentleman type, behaving obnoxiously at a party I had arranged for my mother. So much so that the manager wanted to throw him out. He was actually in the very early stages of Parkinson's disease but you wouldn't have known by any other behaviour.

I don't know what to suggest practically but this is a great place to vent and get support.

Is it a change in behaviour from your mum? If so this could be the first sign of dementia.

Or has your mum got form for disliking your/your DD's boyfriends? Is this something she has done in the past maybe to you?

Last suggestion - is this something she chats about with her friends? My DM is a similar age and sometimes comes out with opinions that are just 'not her' - think v right wing from a lifelong Labour voter. Turns out these are the opinions of her friends and obsessive MailOnline reading She can be talked out of them when she realises she isn't joining in with a gang.

Does your grandmother live with you ? Otherwise I would encourage space and not telling her anything really

Sorry your mother

If you are not keen on your daughter's boyfriend why can you not understand that your mum isn't either? Older people often feel more comfortable about not needing to be liked. It could be that behind her forthright attitude rather than the trite old Mumsnet response of "it must be dementia".

Hi, my mam knows as we tell each other pretty much everything 😢

This is my daughter's first boyfriend, it's very odd as we have never fallen out ever. I am struggling trying to get over it.

No she doesn't live with us, she lives on her own

Since your mom has lost a certain level of her social skills. You will need to filter what you say to her.
It’s unlikely you will ever be able to change her narrative so you will also need to decrease situations when she will have opportunity to spout off.
When she does behave/comment inappropriately you will have to apologize for placing her in such social situations and rethink outings.
At 85, I agree there may be neurological reasons for this.

I have expressed my concerns to my daughter and she accepts them but I have just left it now and I don't say anything else about it to her but for some reason my mam just goes on and on and has sly digs and makes nasty comments. She doesn't think she is doing anything wrong and says she can say what she wants as it's her opinion. We are/were very close but this has impacted me in a way that I can't see beyond it at the moment

Thank you everyone

I remember my beloved late grandmother making her feelings well known about a boyfriend. She was right in the end. But it did cause me huge anxiety as I really valued her opinion.
This was in the days before whatsapp etc.
Just be clear with your mother that she must be there for her GD if and when the relationship goes tits up (you yourself have concerns).

Do you feel torn between them? Obviously this isn't fun. But it doesn't sound like you think it would help to try to break up the relationship between your dd and her boyfriend- which I agree with.

I would say you need to show your daughter you're with her. Just don't put up with this trash talking - say she shouldn't say anything if sge cant say anything nice, and that you'll go away if she mum starts going on, and then DO IT.

Your reaction is so extreme I do wonder how you and your mum handled conflict before. Time to grit your teeth.

I have a good friend whose mother trashed her boyfriend relentlessly amd almost as a result she went ahead and married him. 30 years later i think the mum was probably right but achieved nothing. Your daughter will be much more able to make good choices if you support her.