Elderly Dad ill and refusing any help

[poopybumhole]

As per title my elderly dad has recently started struggling to get around. His legs are tired and he just wasnt happy. He's in pain, his legs are sore and hes losing weight and breathless. My siblings and I have been helping with shopping and daily tasks like cleaning
He does smoke, has COPD, heart disease and diabetes. He went to the Dr and immediately refused tests as its too far away (we do live semi-rural).

So we're stuck in limbo as he has capacity and can look after himself. He refuses to sort POA or anything. Just wants to stay in his home.
Thats fine for now but my siblings are keen to put him in a home.
Its inevitable really. He'll end up there when he needs personal care. Or can't make it up the stairs to the loo. He's already had one accident.

I offered to help organise his funeral with local funeral director. He'll say oh yes then refuse when I actually organise it.

Stubborn old bugger. Selfish too. But he's my dad and I love him.

Can anyone help point me to any organisations who can help him or offer support to me? I really don't know what if anything I can do. Where to start? Social work?

Try to get the tests done. There might be medication to fix his health issues.
Can you get a commode for emergencies downstairs.
It sounds like he is being written off but he wont' go to a home if he doesn't want to so solutions to the problems are needed if possible.

There is a lot of help he could have at home if being at home is his priority. Is he being seen by the District Nurses? Community Respiratory Team? That would be a start.

Well it isn't upto your siblings to put him in a home. As long as your dad has capacity he can choose to live in his home, and be aware that when/if he requires personal care that will probably be done in the home via daily carers. There just aren't enough care homes to cope with the demand. Sounds like he probably knows what's coming, and as a lot of parents seem to do, would rather not face upto it!. All you can do is encourage the tests but if he's doesn't want to unfortunatly there's not much you can do.

Does he want to have treatment? If he’s got capacity it’s up to him if he wants to stay at home and avoid medical help.

You could call Age UK and ask if they have someone who can call round and have a chat with him. They were very good with my in laws, my MIL actually worked for them and FIL volunteered but when they needed help themselves Age UK spent a long time with them.

Is he getting attendance allowance? That could help pay for petrol or taxis if he feels 'it's too far' to go get tests.

If it were me I'd bundle him into the car and take him "to the doctor". I just wouldn't tell him it's the doctor at the hospital... that way he couldn't accuse me of lying or wheedle out of tests. He needs them.

Thanks, your posts has been helpful. We can't just bundle him into a car and drive 2 and a half/3 hours to big hospital. It was hard enough getting him to agree to see a Dr. We'll see if we can talk him round but its a long day trip there and back and he just wants to stay home.
The long and short is he's scared and would rather put his head in the sand than find out whats wrong. He's determined he won't see his next birthday. He has capacity so we cannot force him to seek treatment.
It could be easily treated but he thinks its cancer. Even if it is, he could be more comfortable and sort things out.
Thanks for Age UK, thats who I was thinking. I'll call them and try. Thing is he refuses to let anyone who isnt family in his home. No he won't claim attentdance alllowance, we're happy to drive him, he knows that. Doesnt want a fuss.

Next thing is telling his siblings. They love him but he doesnt want to worry them. So I might need to call my aunt and uncle and speak to them. He'll listen to his brother. Been trying to sort POA with uncle for years but Dad refuses.

Christ, I love him but he's so bloody difficult!

Contact your local adult services department and request a Care Act assessment, your Dad will need to consent to this though.

You could suggest a chat with the GP about having a telephone appointment re symptom
management rather than having the investigations. Some specialities such as dietician and respiratory provide a community service.

It's up to him. You or your siblings can't force him into anything while he has capacity

Exactly what @tuttuttutt said - hard as it is for you, it's entirely up to him.

Does he expect/want you to do anything? Have you listened to what he does want? ("Listening" = interpreting his acts more than what he says). If he wants to put his head in the sand that's his prerogative.

Yes of course there will be a crisis of some sort and you'll be dragged in to sort it out, but you know that and to be honest your energy will be better spent planning for the crisis. Do you know anything about his finances? Local services?

Not trying to force him into anything. My siblings have plans for a home but he has capacity and he wants to stay home.
I am doing my best to listen to what he wants. He's not sure what he wants though. Its hard when he's clearly in pain and unwell and doesn't want to help himself.
Crisis Planning sounds good-finances- he has enough for funeral. Beyond that he won't engage.
I've contacted Age Uk for assistance as I have no idea of local services available. He won't let anyone in the house though to talk to him and he's barely fit to travel.