Loneliness

[rickyrickygrimes]

What do your elderly / less able parents do for company?

FIL is struggling with loneliness. MIL is in a home, and with advanced dementia is no company when he goes to see her. DH and I live overseas. SIL is close by but she already sees him 2-3 times a week. He has no other family, most of his friends are either dead or demented 🤷‍♀️. He used to be a regular at the football, but has arthritis which is too painful, he says. The dr had just told him he should stop driving 🙄, and there are no shops or cafes etc in easy walking distance of his house.

i don’t know of there are any answers. 🤷‍♀️ he’s quite sociable but is really struggling with living alone. He never expected to have to ‘look after himself’ as he puts it, so he’s pretty grumpy about the way things have turned out. He’s put a brave face on it for years since MIL went into the home, but with declining health and mobility, he’s struggling.

@Oldermum84 thank you I have already tried to engage Mum in this and many other things. She point blank refuses. It is increasingly clear we are going to have to live with her either full time one of us or on a rota. She will not help herself. Just come back and saw her lovely widowed neighbour who lost her husband in the midst of COVID going out all dressed up hair done and looking wonderful. I genuinely feel our mother is addicted to the attention and wants to be miserable. It is an awful place to be for us as siblings. Essentially we have nowhere to turn as she refuses anything other than help from us. But thanks for the link.

Befrienders are great. I used to do it myself, actually. I visited an old man who lived alone, once a week. We had some lovely chats over a cup of tea. We both looked forward to it.
Google your local befriending service.

She may be depressed. Perhaps visit the GP with her to discuss antidepressants. And just remember it's up to her of she refuses this and any other help. She is an adult who is making her own choices and you're going above and beyond, she is not your responsibility.

@Oldermum84 absolutely agree she is depressed anxious etc she always has been.she is taking medication but refuses to also try and work through her issues with any other complementary help. I have had her at various consultants for geriatric patients all amazing. She refuses to engage. All say if she would engage with talking therapy etc or hobbies and distractions it might help. She point blank refuses. She wants us doing everything. It is harsh to say but she is a narcissist. Yes I have had and am going through therapy. It’s helpful but it still makes the situation difficult. Thank you though

@SallyWD thank you. I got an amazing social prescriber allocated late last year. She was fabulous but she was knocked into touch by mother immediately. I’ve kept in touch with her. She agrees mother only does what she wants and she expects us to do what she wants needs etc. Awful situation. Genuinely love suggestions but seriously I’m we are out of ideas. Thanks though

Thought I’d come back and update, and sympathise with @BlueLegume as we (or rather my poor SIL) are now in a similar situation. DH and I were back in the UK over summer, and tried to get various things organised for FIL but it was slow going.

His physical condition is not great, but not dreadful. His speech has definitely changed, it’s like his tongue is too big for his mouth 🤷‍♀️. He’s quite confused - but he always has been tbh, not good at remembering what he’s told. And he’s extremely frail and underweight. He says he’s wobbly on his legs.

his behaviour is worrying too. basically he’s spending a lot of time in bed, he says he feels safe there. He’s not eating properly - despite SIL dropping a meal off to him daily. And he’s started smoking again 🤦‍♀️.

we managed to get the ball rolling medically/ care wise, with a referral to the care and rehabilitation unit at the local elderly persons clinic. He cancelled appointments, was unhelpful and lied outright during the assessments (SIL told the nurse after about this). He denied everything, told the OT and physio that he’s absolutely fine. We’re still waiting for the results from all that.

He basically wants to be looked after by family. He wants DSIL / DH / me to visit daily, bringing him his paper and dinner. He wants to be driven to the shops, so he can potter around while we do his shopping, then bring him home and put it away. He wants someone to make him a cup of tea, sort his washing, do his ironing. Then sit and have a chat while they watch tv. He’d like his grandkids to visit frequently. He’s like to stop having to look after himself - but he didn’t want to give up his independence (as he sees it) to do this.

There is nothing we can ‘put in place’ that will address his loneliness and depression. He’s on his own a lot of the time, when he never expected to be. Frankly I’d be depressed too if I had his life. DMIL is in nursing care and no longer speaks / reacts to visits. SIL works and has a family - she does loads for him already. DH and I don’t live in the UK so we can’t physically be there. We’ve set him up with taxi account - he’ll never call them. We’ve looked at groups / lunch clubs etc - he point blank refuses, almost offended at being ‘palmed off’ on strangers. We’ve tried to encourage him to keep up with old friends / hobbies. But he refuses and continues to expect SIL to provide.

After my father died, my mother moved into a flat in an 'active retirement living' block. She has a cleaner as part of her service charge, there's a dining room downstairs if she doesn't want to cook and lots of them seem to meet there at mealtimes. There's a communal coffee area that she can go to if someone wants a chat, and an all-hours manager to help with fixing stuff that goes wrong.

She's still lonely because she misses my father, but she has activity and company now, as well as practical help. Might it be worth looking at something like that for your father?

Go to local coffee clubs - they can be fun.

Also church/mosque/etc are all excellent at socialising opportunities partic for the old.

@MissSueFlay

from the outside it looks like it would suit him - he’s actually quite a sociable person, and where he lives now is really not meeting that need. He’s surrounded by immigrant families and young people in their first properties: he gets on fine with the neighbours but didn’t have much in common with them so he feels quite isolated. And there is nothing within walking distance.

But he point blank refuses to consider a move at this stage.

SIL also thinks he has become self conscious as his speech is slurred / mumbled, and his thought processes are slow. The idea of making new friends is intimidating to him.

God this thread is depressing. We have this currently with in-laws and u fee my parents are heading that way.
My mil has now decided that she needs everything done for as she is 82 but in perfect health. Any suggestions as to what she might do is met with 'I'm 82. She just wants to be 'minded' and entertained and has started lying about visitors. Ie she would ring saying see is so lonely and has seen no one for days and we would find out later that neighbours and other sibling would have visited. . What is it about old age that makes people so selfish. They would never have been like this at our age.

It sounds as though he needs to go into care. You could suggest a respite few weeks as SIL has to do x and y. If you get the right place and he can visit a few first, it can be life changing for your SiL and for him. He just needs to see what it is like essentially living in a hotel full time and being waited on, with lots of others to chat to and activities to do.

If that first stay is better than he thinks, he may well make the move permanent. The problem for you is that he feels safe as things are and can't comprehend a bigger move, so be sympathetic about how hard it is while still being quite firm that it is best for him and your SIL.

@rickyrickygrimes thanks for the update and you have my sympathy. I do think some parents seem to assume we can just drop our busy lives and return to the family home as full time cleaners/shoppers/entertainers/cooks. My happiness is MY responsibility not my kids. Our mother is lonely because she’s gradually picked off and alienated people who have tried to help. But she always knew better. I’m very low contact now and whilst it may seem harsh when absolutely nothing has been right I don’t know what else to do. It’s for my own sanity.

What is it about old age that makes people so selfish. Elderly people are not all selfish