Loneliness

[rickyrickygrimes]

What do your elderly / less able parents do for company?

FIL is struggling with loneliness. MIL is in a home, and with advanced dementia is no company when he goes to see her. DH and I live overseas. SIL is close by but she already sees him 2-3 times a week. He has no other family, most of his friends are either dead or demented 🤷‍♀️. He used to be a regular at the football, but has arthritis which is too painful, he says. The dr had just told him he should stop driving 🙄, and there are no shops or cafes etc in easy walking distance of his house.

i don’t know of there are any answers. 🤷‍♀️ he’s quite sociable but is really struggling with living alone. He never expected to have to ‘look after himself’ as he puts it, so he’s pretty grumpy about the way things have turned out. He’s put a brave face on it for years since MIL went into the home, but with declining health and mobility, he’s struggling.

There are befrienders available either by phone or in person. You can also pay for carers to sit and chat or go somewhere with him, if he can't walk, perhaps a cab. It might be worth looking into clubs or societies such as bridge or board games, things that aren't physical. Perhaps his local church has things going on and members can offer a lift.

Age UK or his local paper may be helpful. I know the Red cross does Befriending but there are other places that do it. You could also look on Facebook to see what's going on locally.

Is he in touch with any groups? Is there a local drop in that pick up people?

Would he get taxis?
Joining U3A was a life saver for DM when DF died.

Lunch clubs? They used to pick my mum up, though she complained about the circuitous route due to picking up others! Our council website has links to local groups.

Age UK have been great IME.

Definitely contact Age UK. They've been a lifeline for my elderly dad who lives on his own.

I'd second Age UK and look up the local branch. I saw a display in my GPs today and there was so much going on it the area - social, activities and 'fitness' related.

@rickyrickygrimes awful situation but sometimes the elderly seem to think their middle aged adult children need to entertain them and are responsible for their happiness. We aren’t. I actually worked out that since the beginning of 2020 I’ve spent over £2k sending my parents, now just my mother, “stuff” to alleviate their now her boredom . Jigsaws, garden games, books, dvds, puzzle books and games, flowers, the list is endless. I’ve also spent time with her but I’m “ not interesting enough to stimulate her”…yes that’s a quote. Nothing is right. Nothing. They, she live in an area with so much help and restaurants entertainment it is ridiculous but they now she will not engage. Happy for us to drive for hours though. We are a generation being absolutely sucked dry by parents who lived through economic boom times. Young people being called snowflakes-my kids are not. Good degrees with good jobs. My parents- utter snowflakes. No coping skills yet benefited from the boom years of their parents fighting in a war WW2 at a very young age. Am I fed up? Yes. Eighty odd year old parents just moaning none stop .Us pointing them in direction of loads of support. Response…no Blue Legume I thought you would do it. Said parents were swanning around the Caribbean at my age not scrubbing their parents toilets because said parent doesn’t want a cleaner. It’s exhausting.

Would he consider a retirement complex of some sort? Was just talking to a friend whose dad lives in one and he loves it and is always organising social things with the other residents.

What sort of thing would he enjoy? There are all sorts of groups out there aimed at more elderly people, from board game clubs and silver surfers at the library to gardening clubs with speakers, lunch clubs, local history, going into primary schools to hear pupils read, concerts. A lot of those there would be lifts available too.

The problem is that he currently doesn’t want to do any the above 🤷‍♀️. I think he’s been hoping for years that MIL will somehow get better and he can get back to ‘normal’ . Obviously that is not going to happen.

thanks for all the suggestions. We will work on getting him a bit more mobile again, and hopefully he’ll perk up a bit. He’s been prescribed some fairly hefty painkillers and they are making him feel very lethargic and fuzzy headed, so we have to address that first.

he has always had difficulties in listening and concentrating, so I don’t think anything involving listening, learning, reading etc is going to appeal. A lunch club might be a good idea, especially if they would collect him - he likes eating and chatting.

@BlueLegume I hear you: he basically does expect other people ie SIL now, and DH plus grandchildren, to look after and entertain him. We’ve lived outside the UK for 20+ years now and he still asks when we are ‘coming home’ and I know it’s because he expects us to look after him 🙄.

I actually think moving to sheltered or retirement housing would be best. He would still be independent but would have a degree of being ‘looked after’, plus people to chat to. They moved just as MIL went downhill, and they (she) didn’t make the best choice in the small flat that they moved to. There are no shops or anything really in easy walking distance and there are no other older people in the building - lots of young, single people and lots of young families, mostly Indian and Nigerian. He gets on fine with them all but he’s not got anyone in the same situation as him to talk to.

There could be a certain element of he'll never be not-lonely wherever he is?

Mine frequently complains of loneliness. She sees far more people socially than I do, attending multiple things each week. But what she really wants isn't to sit and talk to any of these people, it's to sit and talk to me all day everyday! That's never going to happen because I have a full time job, child and don't live anywhere near. And she drives me mad.

If you can get it to the point where various people check in with him through the week - cleaner, lunch club, supported living neighbours/wardens then you'll know that technically he's not lonely.

DFIL in a very similar situation. He has Carers each morning but uses them mainly for a chat.

He goes to Church at least once a week.

Goes to a Lunch Club.

Also goes to a Men's Group for Widowers or those whose Wives are in Care.

The thing that helped him probably the most was the local Carers Hub who he only contacted after DMIL was in a Care Home.

They arranged Counselling for him and got him in touch with the lunch club and the men's group.

@DisappearingGirl @EmotionalBlackmail really interesting reading everyone’s thoughts. What do you do when parent will not engage with anyone except you and other siblings? This is where I am at. She won’t now use food from the freezer. She won’t go shopping although is completely physically able to. She is now saying she needs food delivered by us every two days as she doesn’t like food that isn’t fresh. I know it is all about control and manipulation but where do you go for help on this. It’s literally breaking us all. My sister and I are now the only people who she will allow to clean for her. Our brother she doesn’t like how he does it. My standards don’t meet hers so my sister and I do it together. We’re definitely being played. Do we walk away? That’s a good question. Personally I think our mother is getting a thrill at controlling us.

@BlueLegume my situation is easier as I'm 2-3 hours away (depending on traffic/time of day) and my useless goldenballs sibling further away.

I did used to do much more running around after her to the detriment of my DH and child but I realised what she was up to - (got a lot of help from this board!) and Covid offered the opportunity to rein it back. Which was amazing and helped me realise I couldn't go back to how it was before. Then I got a new job which means I'm nowhere near as available. She hates my new job which is a lesson in itself as most parents would be delighted their child had got such a job!

I learnt about boundaries on this board and have imposed them. What I've found is that I don't have to be the one to do stuff. When there was an emergency hospital admission I was ill and couldn't drive so couldn't go! Goldenballs didn't bother doing anything. Her friends had to deal with it.

Grey rock technique is useful - if she's capable of going shopping or cooking something from the freezer there is absolutely no need for you to drop fresh shopping round to her. So don't! You're not available - go on holiday, have urgent work commitments, go to bed with Covid for a week or two - your sister does the same. Screen calls or blocks calls between certain times (do not disturb setting on a mobile) so you don't have to deal with her except when you're prepared to.

I didn't get into doing cleaning or gardening. For a while she put a lot of pressure on for me to visit every weekend to do this for her. I barely have time to look after my own house and garden, let alone hers! And it would have meant my child never got to go to friends' parties and do weekend activities as I wouldn't have been at home to take her so I refused.

It's taken a while but she's now got a cleaner and gardener. I spent quite some time going "Didn't Mavis say this gardener/cleaner was good?" or "Why not try Age U.K." type things in response to any moaning. Of course the standards aren't what she'd expect but I either ignore the comments or deflect!

@EmotionalBlackmail great advice and congratulations on the job. I read all the brilliant and wise advice on here but she just keeps, actually she does not , I allow her to break me every single time. The really tough bit is she believes her own lies. Such as having nothing in to eat when her fridge and freezer have been stocked for her. She can’t change this is her personality. Guess I have to change so she doesn’t keep reeling me back in. Run out of steam this week to be honest. Tried to suggest we go back to the GP. Point blank refused. Will resolve to try some of your great ideas with more determination. Thank you

When our LO was told they could no longer drive we found somone to come in every day and take them out for a couple of hours . Just to drive them round and keep them company . They’d go to shops,hairdressers , for a coffee , maybe footie , to a lunch club , drs etc. It worked a treat if your FIL can afford it. If it’s doable Îd also get a chatty cleaner / home help in once or twice a week . As many people as possible popping in and out if it’s affordable.

Ask at his local church about lunch clubs….you don’t have to attend the church it’s more a community occasion…but hosted by church volunteers….well the ones round here are

@Bugsbunnie glad it worked for you. Sadly our mother will not engage with anyone external at all. We have tried everything. It’s plain she expects us to be her cook, cleaner, shopper, washer, bed changer and company. It’s an utterly grim situation.

I found it helped to turn it around and frame it as building resilience.

If something happens to you or your sister (illness, broken leg, holiday, crisis at work, crisis with children) then you can't do all of those things. It's too much for one person and if that other person is already on holiday then there will be nobody there to help. But if there's external people already doing some cleaning or shopping etc then there's far more resilience.

Also, if she's capable of getting to the shops and preparing something from the freezer it's far better for her to do it herself, in terms of exercise, seeing people and doing activities that require some thinking about.

Or play devil's advocate!

What happens if one of you gets a new job and moves 3 hours away and the other one emigrates!

@EmotionalBlackmail love the devils advocate idea. I am going today, steeling myself presently, with loads of lovely food. Had to go to 3 different supermarkets because she now will not use anything from the freezer. Well I suppose I didn’t have to got to 3 supermarkets but trying to put a weeks worth or even five days of meals together can be tricky as the fresh ready meals have short dates on. Cunning of her really as she knows it means she can reel us in to visits more regularly. I have also sent photos of the shopping my sister and I did in the past few weeks as news got back to us that our mother is giving people the impression she has no help to shop. To say my blood was boiling at that news is an understatement. She is starting to believe her own lies. After hearing the news about the terrible attacks in Southport yesterday my patience with my mother and her absolutely lack of life skills and resilience is pretty rock bottom. Spoke to her last night to check in on any final shopping requirements and mentioned the news. Her response was she didn’t know about it because ‘I cant listen to the radio because it is broken’…it isn’t and it is simple to turn on and off. She then proceeded to completely shut me down and went on about herself. Awful behaviour. Anyway big girl pants on now and food delivery en route armed with lots of advice off here. Utterly devastating to think how the families in Southport feel this morning.

https://www.thesilverline.org.uk/